Hate Sunday

I have established that I don't like Sundays. The reason is not anything in particular. I don't go to church, that would lead to questions and I feel bad enough as it is.

Sundays, days where life seems to crystalize. Many people have the day off, though many more do not. I was one of those when I was working.

On this sunday, everyone is outside. I hate going outside. Panic-bait. Sunlight, people with whom I am not familiar, sure ways to tickle my anxiety feathers.

I have having severe male pain right now. I cannot say what caused this, haven't done anything different. I am also having issues with my peena. It seems to never be in the same state twice. I can't sustain rigidity when I hurt so.

Certain underwear hurts me. I am sticking to those with the shaped front with room and doesn't constrict.

This stupid sunday. The NASCAR race seems pointless. Not as fun as it normally appears early in the season. Could be the channel it is on.

My mom is in the hospital. The longer it goes on, the more it distresses me. I don't know much, but I will go see her soon.

I hate aging and time. Entropy, that is what it is.

Maybe it will rain today and match how I feel.

Arthelius the Ghost says: "Days don't mean much when are spectral."

Lucky him.

I don't like Sundays

It is supposed to be a nice day to be thankful for what you have and all that. It is a nice day to go to the park or see a movie or go out to eat.  It is a nice day off for the Post Office, banks and others that live by 'business days', a concept that should be abolished.

Let me talk about Sunday. For most of my adult life, even when I was a teenager, I worked on Sunday. I always considered it a workday. Why does walmart pay a Sunday Premium? Are you not supposed to work on Sunday?

I could go to church but that would lead to questions and I told you about questions. My beliefs are dependent to not asking questions that could cause a suicidal feeling.

I feel the worst on Sundays. I feel more worthless than usual and I reckon that it will be a Sunday when I will end this life. But not this Sunday. 

I have a hope that I will find love. I have a hope that I will eventually get help for my anxiety disorder.

If I do, Sundays would not be such a difficult day for me.

Admission

Why the guilt, the stress, the unhappiness? I admit that I have a suicidal feeling. I am trying hard to resist it. Deactivating my facebook account was part of this.

I am not some teenage girl bullied to the point of hanging myself. That is reprehensible and senseless.

I feel a deeper pain than they do. I am 38 years old, disabled by my anxiety disorder.

I can't go outside, it won't let me. I can't go see friends or meet a new girlfriend because it won't let me.

Not that any woman would have anything to do with me. My life is designed not to be exciting. Been alone here too long.

I feel ugly. I feel sick inside because of this. I don't know how to say what it feels like.

It is a cage, a shield, feathers, all encompassing. Strangling my soul.

I cannot put into words how anxiety disorder feels. You can't understand unless you have it. I share this condition with many others and we all feel the same.

I will try to be calm, try not to hurt myself. I mean, I don't like being hurt. Who does? My hurt is mental and it is a traumatic hurt.

Oh, and the prostate thing, I am having trouble peeing. I could go into detail but do ya really want to know?

That bothers me, too.

There were thunderstorms today. I have said before, thunderstorms stroke my anxiety. Today was no exception. Woke up too early and could not go back to sleep. Can't do anything about the weather.

The power failed here for like 10 seconds. That may not seem like a big deal but my computer was on and a story I was writing was on. Thank goodness for timed backup.

I wish I could go out and do things but it is just not possible with this anxiety strangle.

Sorry if this bothers you. It is how I feel.

Sorry

I feel too bad emotionally to write a post. I apologize.

Not that you care....

Troubles

You might have noticed that I haven't posted an entry to my blog recently.

I have been feeling upset and one should not write when upset.

I cannot put into words why I am upset. It is anxiety, yes, but I always have anxiety.  I have distressing dreams. I tend to have SF leach into my dreams and they can play like SF/Horror.

Then online here, the people posting pictures of their kids. That distresses me be because I do not have any of my own and don't need reminding of it.

Then there are insects. The warm season is here as is an increase of mosquitoes, flies and other things that bite and generally really irritate me to the max.

The radio plays green day ad nauseam. Why do I hate them so? It isn't as simple as hating the songs and the guy singing them, it is because of Jen, that is her favorite thing in the world. I don't need reminding of that.

I had a urinary accident a few minutes ago. This happens sometimes because of the p-gland, I don't need to go into detail.

Amazon was slow in shipping a package. I might get it a week after I ordered it. Then in a message, they totally fucked up and confused two packages. Idiots. I will find a better store to do biz with.

I just am upset. I am trying not to harm myself in the upset part of my cycle.

80s Music

I like 80s music. I did not get a chance to hear it when it was new as I was a child then and all my parents would listen to was Country.

I listen to it now and find inspiration in it that could have been relevant in the Jen time in my life. That girl still bothers me years after we broke up. I don't want to see or hear from her anymore. Non-entity.

Broke my heart and still it refuses to heal. I left wm indirectly because of her. I have been unemployed for nearly 4 years, though my anxiety disorder precludes me from working anymore.

I have no hope for a new girlfriend. I doubt that my anxiety would let her in. It also lends credence to the idea that all girls are inherently cruel, knowing the power they wield over a male heart.

I listen to 80s music because it is better than that worse than the algal scum that builds up on one's aquarium that passes for new music now.

Real talent, real melody and real songwriting.

I like Trance most, I love chill, and I listen to a rock station on the radio.

Ha ha, Jen hated Trance and chill. Good. Should have known then she wasn't the girl for me, despite the fact we had a lot of other things in common.

Now, no love in my life.

I don't think of it much anymore. Kinda lost hope. I can love vicariously through the characters in my stories.

Could this change? Yes, love is a healing power.

Sad Feelings

I have a sad component to my anxiety disorder. This is melancholia sadness, no direct cause. Things happen to make me sad. Stressing my patience is one of these.

Normally, I am a patient person. However, lack of response whether from online shopping to a bad ant problem here, it grinds on my anxiety.

I have a persistent toothache. I have damaged teeth and don't like to talk about them.

My male pain is also persistent. I don't know what my prostate's problem is. I have tried to avoid stress. But stress is part of anxiety and I feel anxiety all the time.

I have a hard time going somewhere. I would like to travel but I don't know if I can. I just cannot deal with difference and unfamiliar places.

I feel sad when I think of Jen. Or when I cannot write my stories. I have been having trouble focusing. It started when I started taking celexa again. I am not taking my med, probably not good but I do not like its side effects.

I just feel sad, melancholy.

Abject Life

This winter has been harsh. I have been unemployed since June and now, repurcusssions include all but starving. That is not a problem now but the future is uncertain.

I lack the means to go anywhere. The car I drive was repo'ed in October. Err. Was this my fault? Not really. It was not my car, but I coulda helped. I feel guilty anyway.

I may have mentioned before that I don't take cold very well. This is true as I write this, my hands are cold. Yet, it is in the low 70's in my room. It is 48 outside at the moment.

I do not have reliable net access. I had to borrow a wireless card to get my pc online. This is not always available.

I am hoping to get a new job later in this winter, even if I have to return to the Evil Empire, um, walmart.

There is no guarantee that my anxiety won't wind up and snap again. I am a suicide risk when it does. I am okay as long as I stay in here and calm.

I think of the almost 17 years since I graduated high school. I have changed much in that time, and not all for the better. I feel sad when I think of that time. I thought my adult life would have been much better. None of it came true.

I maintain my sweetness and caring, and I am sorry for any bad thing I did, including the disasterous breakup with Malee. I wonder if she still hates me. That was the fault of my medicine, which reduces my willpower and resistance to temptation, keeping secrets, etc... I have reduced my medicine to make it last and have regained much of what makes me sweet. I feel guilty for that as well.

No, I did not cheat, I would never do that. I am not a sexually driven guy, as I have chronic prostatis, which ALWAYS hurts, esp when I pee or do the other thing.

I want a girlfriend who understands and cares, but sitting here, I am not going to meet her. Just as well. I am doomed to be alone.

I will not post many more posts like this, because this blog was never meant to be that personal. I will try to get more reliable net access when I get a tax return.

Happy New Year to everyone, may it be better than the last.

Err... Suicidal

There was a schedule conflict. I was asked to help take my dad to the doc in a town kinda far away. I had my days switched around and had to give up my usual wednesday off.

Trouble is, wednesday is errand day for my family. Now my mom is even more upset than before.

My prostate started to hurt worse than it has in months despite the antibiotics. I was unable to complete the m-thing tonight.

It has dialed back to a numbing tingle inside. Peeing hurts, however.

I'm not getting better. My sun burns are peeling. Would that be considered dandruff? The top of my head was burned , ya know.

All this has created the crushing weight of shame and feeling stupid. It's my fault. Everything is my fault.

It is hard not to feel suicidal. I mean, nothing is good anymore.

I will go to sleep and maybe feel better in the morning. It is unlikely, however.

I have 58 Celexa-clone pills. What would happen if I took all of them at one time? I might get the rest my body and mind need.

But no, just one for now, the normal night dose. I shoulda took it earlier or I might not feel this way.

Unlikely though. Romeo Void is helping me now. That's good enough.

I will restart my Myspace blog. These dark feelings do not belong here, in Arthelius' blog.