Not Good

I hear rumors and hearsay at work about management watching associates on the security cameras and busting them. One of them was apparently my girlfriend.

Those sorry bastards. They have been nothing but cruel to her. She is the essence of sweetness and I cannot understand why anyone would treat her like that. I cannot contact her, likely because she is very upset and does not want to talk. I understand that completely. She'll calm down. Jen isn't the type to let them beat her down.

Oh, about the CT scan? It was the worst single thing I have been through in recent memory. The contrast fluid was nasty, then the first time I had an IV, it was an experience I did not mind. It did not hurt like I thought it would. What was injected was different as it gave me a wet feeling in my lower parts and seemed to provoke my prostatitis pain as it has been worse than before.

I am extremely worried. I mean, I saw the CT scan and it might reveal more than just prostate problems. I'm sure Dr. E will allay such worry.

I am worried about my dear one. If she loses her job, it may have a profound effect on her like that time I was terminated from HEB. I couldn't believe it. I still don't nine years after the fact.

I will take Jen out for a special date. She deserves love and attention. If she doesn't work at wm anymore, then maybe we will have more time together and bring our relationship closer to what it should be. She has been my girlfriend for more than a year you know.

wm has taken my faith in the future. It has caused stress that developed my Anxiety Disorder into an unmanageable crushing weight. I think my prostatitis was caused by stress. Stress every day. I need to leave and they won't let me.

I just don't know how I can go on. Jen needs me and I will be there for her. That is all that I need to help me have faith. I love my girlfriend.

Losing More than Hope

Ew, more melancholy to stain my new blog.

Really, though, I do not like even going to the doctor. I costs too much and I end up with worse than the normal anxiety. Having a digital rectal exam changed the way I look at going to the doctor. Mine is an older, very experienced doctor in a small town. He is more methodical than caring and I never once felt comfortable in his presence. He works in what can be described as a country clinic, a deceptively nice place full of apathetic women, a few caring nurses, and doctors who have been around longer than I've been alive, and that is 32 years.

My insurance, deceptively good BCBS, doesn't cover some things that should be basic. I mean, most of the time, the doc just asks questions, takes my temp and bp, and writes a prescription. Is throwing medicine at the problem the only way to treat it?

I don't know. I mean, I just don't care. My job is like a week in hell every week. The head manager of our side of the store is a demoness in a pretty skin. There is no care, it's apathy, maybe even malavolence there.

I almost committed suicide last year. Every day, I am growing to wish that I did. However, it was the Paxil that gave me the nerve to do it and I no longer take that awful med. I am a sorry excuse for a human male.

Contest this if you like.

My examples are, I do not have children. I spend my free time with my mind somewhere else, either writing or playing old Playstation games on this aging ps2. I don't go out unless it is to go to the store and even then, I like wearing purple sometimes and I don't like people to see me in that lest they think I am 'queer'. I am not. I have a girlfriend, but my relationship with her is a study of how NOT to conduct a relationship.

I won't blame Jen for that. It is my fault for not being clear with her. I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Maybe I will be a ghost when I am gone. For now, it is only online, sadly.