Holiday Sadness

Over my adult life, when I started to lose hope of a family of my own, I came to dread the holiday season.

I don't like holidays. I don't like commercialism. I mean, my distant ancestors held a pagan winter festival this time of the year. Commercialism has changed that.

I feel sad when commercials on the tv constantly bombard one with the reminders of how great kids are or getting that gift for your loved one.

I don't have a loved one.

My anxiety disorder makes it incredibly hard to go outside. Well, yes, I do go to the store, at night, but that is only because I have to.

I want to do things like see the ocean again, to go see some friends, to see how much familiar places from long ago have changed. I would like to see the GG Bridge for myself. I have heard about it my whole life.

Now do you really think I can go to California? I can't deal with going to the capital of the state I live in. Pure panic when I was there last week.

No, I have a loveless life and that is slowly destroying me. I doubt seriously any female will take an interest in me, or that my anxiety will let her in.

I don't like the holidays. They are almost over. I can celebrate January 12th as Ar-Ghost Day, a totally random day to say, yes, I am still here.

Anxiety hasn't killed me... yet.

Injured Deer

This white-tailed deer was on the driveway not far from my house this morning. It was badly hurt by either a car, the highway is not far from this area, or something else.





Its horns were damaged and the right forward leg was mangled. It did not react when I approached it. It likely was in some agony.

I didn't know what to do about it so I went to sleep, as it was late for me.

The local sheriff's office came out and dispatched the deer out of mercy. It is sad but what can you do? I took this picture at about 740am so the sun was just coming up.

My Car

I said I would post a picture of it. This is my car, a 1997 Mazda Protege. It was originally a teal green color.

You can see that not paying attention to it has led to oxidation of its paint. My car was damaged in a blowout on thr driver's side front wheel. I could not photograph it from that side because someone put a bike and some crap by it.

My car suffered a belt breakage in 2003. This belt runs the alternator, power steering pump, and coolant. The car suffers badly if this belt is not on. Some idiot tried to fix it and damaged one of the belt's pulleys so that when the alternator is drawing load, like when the lights are on, it slips, making that squealing sound some cars make. It is the sound of a belt slipping.

You see one of the wheel covers is missing. It disappeared at an automated carwash in Cove in 2001.

My car has 105,000 +/- 100 miles on it. It runs fine, well did, otherwise. Now its brakes are rusted. Its battery is dead. It likely has denatured fuel left in the tank. Why is this?

I lost my job last year. I intended to fix it when the next bonus came. Only, it never did. I left before that.

I believed, honestly, believed, still do, that I would have killed myself if I had stayed at wm. The stress winds my anxiety tight, I feel like crying. That is VERY unusual for me. Though I am sensitive, it is my own pain that makes me feel that way.

I took this picture with my phone. It takes good pictures. If I edit photos, this one wasn't, I use Corel Paint Shop X, which came with my copy of WordPerfect X3.

I did not get paint shop with WP Office X5. I don't see the need. I don't use many of its utilities as it is. I am a writer, not a businessperson.

Don't worry about me. I will be all right. I am working on feeling better, going back to my massive music collection, writing more, playing Spore and mahjong. I might even pop into Sins of a Solar Empire, though it takes a long time to set up the gnarliest space battle. There is a YouTube link to post battles, though I have never used it. Spore has that too. My phone can take video. I will share more of what I see.

It is possible that I may have to sell my car. I would only do so in the effort to get a newer one. I do not want a new car. I want one with 30k miles on it, like this car had when I got it back in '98.

Maybe one day, when I get a new car, I might go out more. Doesn't seem likely but stranger things have happened.

I might even get enough nerve to go look for a new girlfriend. Yea, and we'll have snow in August too. Right.

Me

This is me. I took this picture with my LG smartphone. I was in the car, in Cove, sunny day and all that.

The point was to test my phone's camera. My phone was down for a while. It's all right now.

That being said, I feel that I look like a girl. I look down when in the shower and gasp, I'm not a girl! I worked at walmart from May '06 to June '10. In that time, I became so depressed, I planned to kill myself on August 23, 2008. Obviously I didn't because I'm still here. What stopped me?

I have stories to write. I was writing that day. I would have to Quick Search in Corel WP X5 to see which one and that is a pain in the tail.

I have used Corel WordPerfect 9, X3 and now X5. This has been since 2003, My stories before then are all handwritten in usually 3-subject spiral notebooks. I still have them and refer to them if a continuity issue comes up.

I am a loyal Corel customer.

WP has changed the way I write and has improved my prose and grammar. I have no problem with prose. I write like a flow, It comes and I don't insert myself into any scenes.

If I did not write, I would not have a healing thing to fall back on when I feel like taking the Yoshi Blade to a sensitive artery.

If I don't talk about it, how would anyone know how I feel? I could talk about it on FB but no one answers. Unless you have anxiety disorder, you cannot understand it or how it makes one feel.

Sometimes, I feel like there is no hope. Sometimes, I feel like I am a ghost. Sometimes, I cannot write because I feel so bad. In those times, I go outside or listen to music. It doesn't always help.

I have double dosed my Celexa when I felt like that and it makes me sleepy. I no longer can afford to do that. I take a nap when the serotonin builds up, you know, your stomach and entrails make it as they digest.

I have gone on the web and looked for notes from people in my condition who have killed themselves. I am scared because sometimes, I feel like that too.

I mean, really, who would care if I was gone outside my family? I would be buried hopefully near my ancestors and be forgotten.

I don't have children. I don't go to church, I don't go to parties, I don't go to bars or the club, I don't even like going out to eat. I did with Jen because I love her. I still do, 2 years after we broke up. I have not seen Jen for a whole year. Perhaps that is a good thing and it makes me sad when I see her.

I don't understand why people bandy their children about in photos on FB. Do they not know how that makes people like me feel?

I could have children, possibly, if my prostate behaved. Could I deal with the stress? Not a chance. I have always chosen to be careful.

It is highly likely that I will not have children and this part of my family will go extinct after my death. I am not worthy of my name, I feel. I am a discredit to my ancestors. My dad, not so much.

One of these days, I will have a depressive episode, they come and go, and have the nerve to do something that cannot be taken back. This is why I eschew guns. I would be dead now if I had one. The easiest way.

I could overdose my celexa but it takes more than my monthly dose to do that and it would not always work.

I envy other 35 year olds who are dead. This is not healthy behavior.

I post comments when I feel bad and maybe I don't now. Seeing that picture though, did you know that in my 4 years at wm, I was mistaken for a girl by customers more than a 100 times. That hurts, you know. There is nothing girl-like about me physically.

I do not know how long I can contiue to go on. Every day is like a different beginning. I need to go out but I am not comfortable out.

I remember a really long time ago, when I was a kid, Duran Duran was the coolest thing. I did not see the appeal then, it didn't strike me until I was in my late teens. I don't like to remember that far back, I am reminded of how things went wrong between then and now. It did not happen all at once. It just happened.

If I can get SS for my condition, I may move to an area where I could be treated.

People like roaches. I know about roaches. People are just like them.

One more thing I tolerate in this life. I tolerate a lot of things others wouldn't. To me, if I don't do it, who will? Just tune out the bad things, bugs, verbal abuse, lack of privacy, being in the rural wasteland.

Oh, and my car. I'll talk about it tomorrow. I will take a picture of it in the sunlight with our digital camera. You will wonder how it got that way.

One more thing just tuned out.

I once had sex in my car. WTF? That's Austin for ya.

I hope to get a Kia Rio or Spectra. I like those cars. I used to drive a Spectra, until it was repossessed last summer. One more thing to tune out.

I can't casually go anywhere. I have to depend on others to get my med from the pharmacy. I'm 35, you know.

Just tune out. I posted this pic to FB, depending on any comments, I may suffer damage to my distorted view of self-image.

Just reading this blog should tell you how I feel over time.

Not that anyone cares.

Why do you think my blog has that title? I feel like a ghost. I want to be one.

Death?

This is Casey Anthony, a young Florida woman who did something very reprehensible. I do not know much of what they accuse her of, but one thing remains, her 2 year old daughter, is dead.

Why is it that girls who do give in when asked for sex, do not insist on protection? The female has a heavier investment in sex, because the actual penetration is introducing a forign object in her vagina.

Too many guys have no empathy for the female. I hope to understand, I have written stories from a female POV for a long time. I try to have empathy, but some females are about as empathic as a demon. Is Casey one of those?

No matter how little Caylee died, Casey is reponsible, even if it was an accident. The fact that she said nothing about her kid being missing for so long alone shows you how un-empathic she is.

Does she deserve death? IMO, ONLY if she actually killed little Caylee and I don't beleve any young woman could be that callous and uncaring. If she helped kill little Caylee, death, as it is the same callousness.

If she was hiding an accident, or if she was threatened to keep quiet, then a lengthy prison term, long enough to hold her past menopause so she can't quite casually have another child.

That last scenario is unlikely. She knows what happened. She better tell what she knows, her life could depend on it.

I hope the truth comes out. I will be watching the trial on In Session.

Not Forgotten

I would have loved to have known her. She was probably funny and smart. I will never forget her. This month, she has been missing for five years. Everyone online says that she is dead.

Would death be better than White slavery as some allege? I would think so. Being White myself, I do not think anyone should be enslaved but that is a topic for a future post.

Natalee should not have gone to that night club. She should have had nothing to do with a piece of Eurpoean garbage. JvdS is a base piece of excrement. I do not know him but I hate him with a passion. I hope he gets the death penalty. It is only fitting. No, I do not feel influenced by my home state, who executes murderers and other filth when their time is due.

WTF did that class trip go to Aruba? I remember our senior class trip, we spent it in the high school auditorium. And if Lampasas was broke then, now 17 years ago, what is it now?

If I had a daughter, I would never let her go to a foreign country without me or her mother. Especially an island a stone's throw from Venezuela.

I will never really understand. I am not a social creature. Had I been in that class on that trip, I would have spent the time at the beach or taking pictures. I love tropical scenes. The only place I have ever seen the ocean is from Corpus Christie and that is the same ocean you can see from Aruba or any other island. All sub-arms of the Atlantic.

All the ocean is interconnected and covers well over 3/4 of the earth's surface. The USA has miles and miles of coastline. They could have gone to Florida, the Carolinas, or even Hawaii, all American states. Hell, they could have come to Texas, Padre Island is likely the coolest place to be ever. I will go back there one day.

The only person I knew from Alabama was my 12th Grade Spanish teacher.

I don't reckon that I could not get along with anyone from the Deep South. We Texans are loved in many places. Not so much at home, it seems sometimes.

I would go back in time and save Natalee. I do not believe that would affect Causality.

Sadly, I will never meet her. She is likely gone. She would be what now? My math is so bad, 23?

Older than Malee is.

I hope that if she is gone, she finds eternal peace.

I wonder if we can meet in the Afterlife. That would be extremely good.

Oh yea, I culled this picture from Faux News. About the only good thing from them.

Sad Days

I have woken up in the past few days in a terribly sad mood. I am 35, childless, never had a true girlfriend. I never had trouble when I actually sought a girlfriend. The times I was offered sex, it was too easy.

I always thought I was never right to have children. I am not all that mature. I am approaching middle age yet my life hasn't really changed from my early 20's.

My Anxiety Disorder has tightened since leaving wm. I do not go out and when I do, I am shaken, trembly, sweating, sick feeling. It is not so bad because I am not forced to stay in one place for hours like in the wm.

I am having trouble peeing, which is no doubt related to my prostate. The state of my prostatitis is worsening because it comes and goes and unlike the last time it got bad, I do not have health insurance and the doctors won't help if I don't. Greedy bastards.

Every time I hurt there, which is almost every day, I wonder, even if I met a woman willing to be mine and wanted a kid, could I even finish. The dozen or so times I was with Malee, I never finished. Could be that it hurt, or I wasn't attracted to her, or even my anxiety clamped down like that iron door that fell on the Rancor in SW Ep. 6: ROJ.

I have no trouble finishing in the m-thing. My emission seems normal but who knows? It has never been studied for viability.

I am certain that I will not live past 40. I cannot stand these feelings, the separation from my friends, the lack of interest in things I am passionate about, like my writing and music, and the costant verbal abuse I get from my disabled father.

I will try to get a new job but it is likely going to lead back to the suicidal risk of depression I get when my anxiety tightens like a constrictor snake.

I wish someone would contact me. My ICQ# is 427645585.

I hate spammers and bots. If you are human, I don't mind.

I hope to feel better soon.

Another thing that worries me. I take Celexa's generic form, citalopram hydrobromide. I am supposed to take it twice daily but since last October, I only take one a day, usually before I sleep so I do not get panic attacks that keep me awake. That happens sometimes, has for a long time. It helps me stay calm here, but away from home, it doesn't help thanks to its halved dosage. I did that because I can't afford the $4 to get refills. Someone else gets it for me. How shameful is that?

Will I have to take citalopram for the rest of my life? What then, is the point in going on?

I need love. Love helps so much. Jen taught me that. It is like a panacea.

There is no love in my life now. It hurts, you know?

Final Journey

I will always remember them. They were an inspirartion throughout my life. A symbol of American pride and courage.

This is Endeavor which flies on Friday around ll am CDT on Friday. I am not terribly interested in watching the wedding but I will watch this. I am terribly sad that there won't be but one more after this mission.

What does it do for us? You have plastics. You have velcro. You have possibly the greatest tool ever built by humans, the Hubble Space Telescope. They also launched Galileo the space probe, who met its fiery end in Jupiter's atmosphere.

I am glad Rep. Giffords will be there. I am very glad she is doing better.

Good luck to Commander Giffords and his crew.

Nakoruru Memory

This is Nakoruru, a character from the SNK NeoGeo game Samurai Showdown. She means something special to me, as she is my favorite fighting game character and inspired an archetype for notable female characters in my stories.

Before all that, when I was a teenager, when I did not have to work, I would go to a video store in my hometown to play the arcade version of SS. I have never seen a NeoGeo and never could find the PS port of the original SS game. Now that I am unemployed and have no money, I cannot get it.

I always picked Nakoruru because she is fast. She is liquid grace and uses a short sword which I like. I was a master with her and could beat any challenger fool that intruded on my game playing time in less than 10 seconds.

But thinking of Nakoruru, I remember my teenage days. I never thought life would be like this. I used to think that things would be cool, I could do what I want and live where I want.

I can't do anything now. It's misery. I developed anxiety disorder in my 30's. I developed chronic prostatitis in my mid 30's. Of course, I am 35 now.

I had a job when I was a teen. I worked at Winn-Dixie. A picture of me in our yearbook showed me there. I was there for 7 years. I used to think I'd always be there. Then it closed. I went on to another store, then the debacle of Y2k, after which I worked at my favorite job. Until it was outsourced to Penang in Malaysia. The company I worked for is no more now.

When I was a teenager, I was addicted to soda, music, and I wrote a lot, the foundation of my story world. I have written an ongoing epic space opera since I was 18. My writing helps me chill. I try to craft better stories now, but it takes some effort not to blah blah blah the story into left field.

I wish I could still play SS. It would remind me of simpler days. I posted a picture of her, the shrine maiden from Hokkaido.

I wonder if Hokkaido was damaged in the earthquake/tsunami. I hope not.

How silly that a video game character affected me so. There's not a lot to my life.

Wrongness

I don't know how to describe my feelings. I am a writer, yes, and descrition is not hard for me but describing a deep sadness that comes from despair is hard. It is the oscillating my feelings do.

I am in the suicidally risky part of the down feeling I get. It comes from among other things, the seeming hopeless effort to cure my pelvic pain. What will the MRI say? Nothing? Inconclusive? Why shouldn't I just give up?

Arthelius has nothing to say.

Sad Day

I took this picture with the Acer Crystal Eye embedded in my laptop. I thought I may look icky but you decide.

My cat, General Kator, is dead. He lays on an unused dirt road some distance from my house. He was not run over or looks obviously injured. He was well fed and loved. I am very upset over this. I do not know why he is dead and maybe I should look to not leaving my cats outside. Now I just have Hungry and I will ensure he doesn't end up the same way.

I will be sad for some time. Why did this happen?

I realize that he was just a cat, and cats do get into things they shouldn't. I should have had him neutered like Jen told me to. Maybe he would have stayed closer to home like Hungry does.

I have allergies or something. I keep sneezing and producing a fair amount of icky mucus.

I'm just sad. A hug from my dear one would help a lot. Only she is in the city of the cesspit and I am here in the rural wasteland. That makes me sad too.

Horrible

I may seem like I complain a lot. I don't. I am a patient and understanding guy.

However, I HATE wrking in Grocery anymore. The work is thankless, crowded by customers, with people who are a clique unto themselves.

No thank you, I am not part of your team anymore. It says Sales Associate on my badge. The schedule calls me a Dept. 16 Sales Clerk. I am that. Department 6 is the GC, which has its own flaws but they are trivial compared to Grocery.

I am 'helping' a lost cause. I mean, what do we do all day but put stuff out that didn't go out the days before? In other stores, this is done on specific days by the regular stock crew. However, the store I work in is so freaking big and busy, it needs constant replenishment.

Sometimes, the replenishment can't keep up with demand. This leads to disappointing a customer, which wm claims it never does. That is BS and we all know it.

I did not ask to be put back in Grocery. I am mad at myself for accepting it.

I keep my head down and work at what I do well, stocking. I go see Jen when it gets tough because a girlfriend's love is a powerful pick-me-up.

I am sad because I am in a task that I did not want or ask for.

Only monday to go. It is my friday and usually is the worst day because of kiritchiny managers. KMA.

This upset tickles my anxiety. My anxiety causes uncomfortble tension. Tension that squeezes on my already injured prostate.

And people wonder why I'm uncomfortable.

I envy Arthelius. He does what he likes and no one makes him do anything,

Sadness

Several things have made me sad recently. I did not mean this blog to be a place to bitch about how life can be so intrinsically testing.

That being said, I will say that whatever triggers my anxiety is just plain unwanted. I am sick of my manager. my gf, who plays on my sadness like no other, and just the multitides of meaningless lives that jostle and crowd like so much cattle.

I'm content to stay here in the rural wasteland. Why do I call it that? Take a look at the dead and decomposing deer out by the highway or the clear cutting of the trees and places houses used to be.

Sure, it is far away from my job or just going to the store, and the net speeds out here would lose a race with a snail but it is where I have lived for the better part of 9 years.

Freaking cold and gray weather combined with the usual holiday depression make it hard just to enjoy oneself.

The days become a blur after a while. I am in a meaningless job that serves on purpose but to answer stupid questions and waste time.

But I recognize the value of having a job. I was without one from 2003 to 2006.

We shall not have a repeat of that, I hope. My anxiety developed in that time.

Part of Arthelius's story had a lot to do with the decay of emotion caused by the betrayal by a girl. It weighs some time on his spectral mind. And if that was a portent of someting in actuality, I would much rather be a ghost like him.

Ike!

Oh, man. Bad weather coming. Take a look at this beast.

This is a view from the GOES-East satellite, Floater 4, which often follows tropical cyclones as they violate the Monroe Doctrine. The pretty colors are provided by infared enhancements as it is night right now. Visible isn't possible.








People say, "It's nothing to be worried about." Have they ever huddled in the dark when the power went out as a t-storm rages outside? I cannot sleep when that happens. My anxiety plunges into full panic mode.


True, the bad half of the storm, not that there is a good half, is to the east. The inflow side, the side closest to the Mexican coast in this image, will pass over where I live.


Eh, why bother? It just isn't worth living anymore. I envy Arthelius, though he is me, he doesn't feel anything.

Not Getting Better

I hate to admit this. I have lost faith in any future.

Bad things keep happening.

As my sunburned skin peels, leaving ugly flakes in my ever lustrous brown hair, I realize that I am a prime candidate for melanoma. But I don't even go outside in the sun when it can be avoided.

Then there is smoking. I have never done it and never will but my parents always have as does my sister. I have been exposed to it all my life. I don't like it and avoid it now if possible but the damage is already done if there is any. I will develop lung cancer as sure as if I had smoked and it's not my fault. One of life's cruelties.

Another is this prostatitis. What is causing it? If Cipro didn't get rid of it, why would Doxycyclin? I hate getting the DRE. I would rather have nothing put in my rectal area , thank you.

My grandfather (FE McL.) died of prostate cancer in the early 90's. I did inherit a lot of attributes from the McL (maternal) side of my family. Will I meet his fate, likely a lot sooner than he did? As the prostate makes itself known with a tingle of pain, I can only hope not.

I will discuss cancer the next time I go to the doctor. I believe I will develop some kind of cancer before I am 45.

Is this sexual health? What sex? Jen won't let me have hers though I promise myself to her.
All this grinds on my anxiety and it bites back. It says, 'shut down, man. I can't take this'. The Celexa-clone obliges.

No one understands this. Don't say you do.

You don't know the real me. The Artelius the Ghost me. The one sitting here, writing this.

That me at work is not me, but me wrapped in a shell of anxiety. It goes away when I leave Killeen.

What if something in the GC causes an illness in me? Working with pesticides and herbicides can't possibly be conducive to wellbeing.

I'm out in the Sun sometimes. The heat is taking a toll. If I collapse outside, it may be some dumb customer that finds me, not anyone in the wm.

I just want to hide away for a little while. I do get better after a few unstressful days.

That is not likely to happen.

See, things are not getting better.

Simple? Not At All

My pain moderates, comes and goes. My testicle is still swollen and there is blood in my pee. Tell me that something is not wrong. I went into panic mode when I saw that blood. I went and told my manager (only known as R here) and she said that is bad but did not offer any compassion or to let me go.

The last four times I have peed, the blood has faded away, but is still there. I have come to dread urinating. It is shockingly yellow and tinted red-orange. This is because of Phenazopyrid, a urinary painkiller that the ER doc precribed for me. The blood is because of ??? I am being sent to an urologist by my regular doc.

I cannot do the M-thing. The secretions involved are all tinted this disturbing yellow color. Besides that, my scrotum hurts on the left side (even now as I sit here). Think my employers care? Like Matt says. They don't care if you live or die.

My friend Devin had a heart condition. He was like 21 years old. Last year, he collapsed and died right behind the meat market cooler door. What did they do? Nothing. They posted a picture of him and made little ribbons.

The people I have come to absolutely despise did nothing and they are in charge.

What if I am redered sterile by this? Unlikely. There is nothing wrong with my right testicle. A darker prospect is prostate cancer. My maternal grandfather died of it. But I will ask the doctor about that.

Why shouldn't I be sad? Why did this happen?

I am off for the next 2 days. Maybe it'll be better as the meds take effect.

I imagine I will nap a lot. Seems that I do that more often these days.