Not Getting Better

I hate to admit this. I have lost faith in any future.

Bad things keep happening.

As my sunburned skin peels, leaving ugly flakes in my ever lustrous brown hair, I realize that I am a prime candidate for melanoma. But I don't even go outside in the sun when it can be avoided.

Then there is smoking. I have never done it and never will but my parents always have as does my sister. I have been exposed to it all my life. I don't like it and avoid it now if possible but the damage is already done if there is any. I will develop lung cancer as sure as if I had smoked and it's not my fault. One of life's cruelties.

Another is this prostatitis. What is causing it? If Cipro didn't get rid of it, why would Doxycyclin? I hate getting the DRE. I would rather have nothing put in my rectal area , thank you.

My grandfather (FE McL.) died of prostate cancer in the early 90's. I did inherit a lot of attributes from the McL (maternal) side of my family. Will I meet his fate, likely a lot sooner than he did? As the prostate makes itself known with a tingle of pain, I can only hope not.

I will discuss cancer the next time I go to the doctor. I believe I will develop some kind of cancer before I am 45.

Is this sexual health? What sex? Jen won't let me have hers though I promise myself to her.
All this grinds on my anxiety and it bites back. It says, 'shut down, man. I can't take this'. The Celexa-clone obliges.

No one understands this. Don't say you do.

You don't know the real me. The Artelius the Ghost me. The one sitting here, writing this.

That me at work is not me, but me wrapped in a shell of anxiety. It goes away when I leave Killeen.

What if something in the GC causes an illness in me? Working with pesticides and herbicides can't possibly be conducive to wellbeing.

I'm out in the Sun sometimes. The heat is taking a toll. If I collapse outside, it may be some dumb customer that finds me, not anyone in the wm.

I just want to hide away for a little while. I do get better after a few unstressful days.

That is not likely to happen.

See, things are not getting better.