I am very upset. You may know from past posts I am on social security, I have severe anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. I do not go anywhere but to the store and the laundromat. Not because it is easy or places I don't feel anxiety, it is because I have to. Like I have to breathe or go to the bathroom. That kind of unavoidable have to. I do not go out by choice or invite.
Three years ago tonight, my dad went to sleep and never woke up. Since he has been gone, it has been grief and more grief.
Ever since, my mom, I do not know what she is thinking. Been giving her money to this mysterious man I have no idea of. If I see him, I'll take a baseball bat to his head.
We got evicted from a better apartment in 16, were homeless for five months. Because she did not have money because she gave it away.
She wised up and didn't do it but now again, she gave her money away. So it falls to me, I am selfless, you know, to cover her car payment and the rent here.
So that leaves me with 56 cents, a dozen hours after I received my benefit.
Am I angry? Anger does not serve when I can do nothing about it.
I am upset to the core. I could not get a data pass this month, so the one I am on now expires shortly. I do not know when I can get a new one, anytime between now and March. I will be offline and frankly, I may not be missed.
I got my medicine and my phone minutes. But nothing else for my benefit other than a jar of pickles. Love pickles.
If you are worried about me, I will use wifi to check in if I can. Hard when I don't go anywhere.
I do not know if I can manage this upset.
Showing posts with label no money. Show all posts
Showing posts with label no money. Show all posts
Friday, February 2, 2018
Monday, June 4, 2012
Hungry
For whatever reason, I have been going hungry. Forced to eat ramen, no meat or vegetables to eat. I am getting older, I need nutrients and vitamins and I am not getting them.
Why is this?
The person who does the shopping has no sense of the future. By that, I mean, she does not think of meals more than two nights ahead. Then she buys things that are not good to eat. I don't go to the store with her. I don't go anywhere.
I must suck up my will and courage to overcome my agoraphobia but that's like asking you to stop breathing. I can't just switch off panic mania or else I would have. Do you know what stress has done to my body? Between the prostate damage, body acne, and raised blood pressure, none of it is good.
I normally eat a granola bar a day. I normally have a vegetable heavy diet. I normally do not go hungry because if I have money, which I don't, food takes top level priority.
I haven't had either since late 2011. What the f*ck is this doing to my health?
I write about this here because no one else listens or cares.
Maybe one day, should I get a job/SS benefit for anxiety disorder, I can restore my diet.
Assuming I do not get sick or die before then, of course.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
No Net Access...
Im sorry. My internet bill wasnt paid. I have no job and someone else was paying for me. Im going hungry some days because of financial mismanagement here. I am sliding into suicidal depression again. The fact that i am using a phone to post this doesnt help. I am trying to write but the idea sponge has dried out. I dont go anywhere. I dont even go outside. How bad is my agarophobia? Bad. I will be okay. I am interested in some things that will distract from the pain for a bit. Chrono Cross is one of these things. I will start a new game tomorrow. If you want to contact me, tweet me. The link is on this page.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Why I Left Walmart
I have waited a long time to talk about this. It is somewhat representative of the debilitating effects of my Anxiety Disorder.
I worked at Walmart Supercenter 407. I started in Grocery, day stocking, which is something I did at Winn-Dixie so long ago. However, I have worked in Grocery for years, I worked at HEB 174 before they built the new one, for two years. I was terminated for getting into a fight with a lazy coworker. That was a learning lesson and I have not been in a conflict like that with anyone since. I went to Solectron then, which was my favorite job EVER. Until it was outsourced to Penang in Malaysia. Solectron collapsed in 2007 and was taken over by a company in Singapore, and then shut down. Sad, that.
I worked in the Garden Center for two years. I learned A LOT about cultivation, lawn care, lawn mowers, flower care, etc.... I like helping people and I like gardening. I do not have one of my own because of the soil of the rural wasteland. I have lived here for 12 years now.
I was unemployed for three years from '03 to '06, which was somewhat of a defining time in my adult life. I developed anxiety disorder then, and the recurrent painful prostatitis that makes peeing painful to this day. As a side effect, I cannot enjoy sex, nothing is wrong with my 'equipment' it is further upstream and deep inside.
You cannot imagine the sheer embarrassing, invasive, and painful tests I have been through to determine the cause of my prostatitis. These tests erased any inhibition I have, though I am hardly ashamed of my penis, a fine example of them.
I mention this because it directly ties into the event that led to me leaving walmart.
A word of advice from Arthelius the Ghost: NEVER HAVE SEX WITH A CO-WORKER!
I did, with Malee, who would not win any prize for beauty, which is not nice to say but beauty in my opinion is a full sum of the parts of the female. This includes breasts and the appearance of her 'kitty'.
Malee had a repellent thing about her, which I asked a wise female friend about. This was somehow overheard by the German bitch Doris. I think of her as Ilsa, of the SS, she is cruel and arrogant. She called me names, said that I was a bad person, said that I did not deserve to live. Would always give me a dirty look, especially when I had the unfortunate task of door greeter, which in the Garden Center is the reponsibility of the GC associates sometimes.
Over the period of two months, 'Doris' got other people to hate me. Just because I asked for advice. I admit, maybe I shouldn't have. I mean, I coulda used the web.
But the worst thing is, that she told Malee.
Now I will admit, I do not love Malee. I can't. She is more than 10 years younger than me and I do not think a person in their low 20's is even adjusted enough to deal with the consequences of such a personal investment as sex. Look how many lives and relationships it has destroyed.
Over the years, I have become content with my own self-stimulation. This is a good thing since it is a doctor-ordered therapy for my painful prostate. I will mention that it makes the pain worse afterward and it does not feel good like it should. Because of this, I became addicted to porn. I am mainly stimulated by lesbian porn. My favorite 'actress' is Jana Cova, who exemplifies my idea of female beauty.
Anyhow, this tetra-disaster of being with Malee, which I SHOULD NOT have done, I felt ashamed for doing. I mean, I have had sex with two different females in my life, both Asian. Why can't I attract a White girl?
I have given up the idea of sex now. If and when I get another girlfriend, which is not a priority frankly, as they are willful and cruel creatures, I will not ask her for sex but if she wants it, I won't say no.
I became increasingly suicidal in feeling in my final two months of walmart. I was afraid that I would actually do it. I mean, some days.... gosh, I came very close.
I went to my doctor in April of '10, who authorized a medical leave for walmart and altered my medicine dosage. Over three months, the feeling subsided. I have spent the last months writing stories, listening to music, watching tv, playing Spore and doing chores.
I spend time with our cats. I like cats. They may not care about you but they are friends who won't turn on you. I don't like dogs for the opposite reasons. I actually HATE dogs. This makes me a 'bad person' in some peoples' opinions.
Perhaps I am too sensitive. I have always been too sensitive. Anxiety Disorder maginifies sensitivity so much, I can't deal with many people at once, hardly can deal driviing in heavy traffic, and especially can't deal with hateful, hurtful and insensitive people.
I made the decision to leave walmart in May. I asked many people for advice. They said if it causes such feelings and makes my mental illness worse, then leave. It was not a decision I made lightly.
So I left.
The time since has been very hard. I will admit, I am at home, I never left. My father has been disabled for 14 years. Who else will help him but me and my mom?
Doctors say, once you have a stroke, another is more likely. Could happen at any time. To see your father broken down like that has to be harder than losing him. It has been hard.
It has been hard because there is no money. I am using my sister's wireless thingy to go on the web. She does not help us. Going hungry is common. My family is on a fixed income, a sadly insufficient income. I cannot go get another job. Our car was repossessed in July. How will I get there?
I do have a car. It is disabled by a tension problem in a critical belt. Three repairs of it have failed. I will fix it myself hopefully if I get a tax return.
But my car is 13 years old. It doesn't look too good with oxidization of its paint. It likely cannot be repaired and I will have to sell it. I love that car. It has always brought me home. Besides, its a Mazda, who makes nice cars.
I am trapped here. This is likely making my Anxiety Disorder worse, drawing me in on myself more. I feel uncomfortable even going to the Post Office. At what point does it become a disability?
I will ask my doctor that.
I believe my life will end in suicide. Maybe not today, not tomorrow or next year but some time, it will get worse like that.
No one seems to understand or wants to help. I have given up asking for help.
I can return to Walmart. I am a trained associate, indoctrinated into the 'culture'. But I will never set foot in 407, EVER AGAIN. I have not since April 23, 2010, and I will never again.
I worked at Walmart Supercenter 407. I started in Grocery, day stocking, which is something I did at Winn-Dixie so long ago. However, I have worked in Grocery for years, I worked at HEB 174 before they built the new one, for two years. I was terminated for getting into a fight with a lazy coworker. That was a learning lesson and I have not been in a conflict like that with anyone since. I went to Solectron then, which was my favorite job EVER. Until it was outsourced to Penang in Malaysia. Solectron collapsed in 2007 and was taken over by a company in Singapore, and then shut down. Sad, that.
I worked in the Garden Center for two years. I learned A LOT about cultivation, lawn care, lawn mowers, flower care, etc.... I like helping people and I like gardening. I do not have one of my own because of the soil of the rural wasteland. I have lived here for 12 years now.
I was unemployed for three years from '03 to '06, which was somewhat of a defining time in my adult life. I developed anxiety disorder then, and the recurrent painful prostatitis that makes peeing painful to this day. As a side effect, I cannot enjoy sex, nothing is wrong with my 'equipment' it is further upstream and deep inside.
You cannot imagine the sheer embarrassing, invasive, and painful tests I have been through to determine the cause of my prostatitis. These tests erased any inhibition I have, though I am hardly ashamed of my penis, a fine example of them.
I mention this because it directly ties into the event that led to me leaving walmart.
A word of advice from Arthelius the Ghost: NEVER HAVE SEX WITH A CO-WORKER!
I did, with Malee, who would not win any prize for beauty, which is not nice to say but beauty in my opinion is a full sum of the parts of the female. This includes breasts and the appearance of her 'kitty'.
Malee had a repellent thing about her, which I asked a wise female friend about. This was somehow overheard by the German bitch Doris. I think of her as Ilsa, of the SS, she is cruel and arrogant. She called me names, said that I was a bad person, said that I did not deserve to live. Would always give me a dirty look, especially when I had the unfortunate task of door greeter, which in the Garden Center is the reponsibility of the GC associates sometimes.
Over the period of two months, 'Doris' got other people to hate me. Just because I asked for advice. I admit, maybe I shouldn't have. I mean, I coulda used the web.
But the worst thing is, that she told Malee.
Now I will admit, I do not love Malee. I can't. She is more than 10 years younger than me and I do not think a person in their low 20's is even adjusted enough to deal with the consequences of such a personal investment as sex. Look how many lives and relationships it has destroyed.
Over the years, I have become content with my own self-stimulation. This is a good thing since it is a doctor-ordered therapy for my painful prostate. I will mention that it makes the pain worse afterward and it does not feel good like it should. Because of this, I became addicted to porn. I am mainly stimulated by lesbian porn. My favorite 'actress' is Jana Cova, who exemplifies my idea of female beauty.
Anyhow, this tetra-disaster of being with Malee, which I SHOULD NOT have done, I felt ashamed for doing. I mean, I have had sex with two different females in my life, both Asian. Why can't I attract a White girl?
I have given up the idea of sex now. If and when I get another girlfriend, which is not a priority frankly, as they are willful and cruel creatures, I will not ask her for sex but if she wants it, I won't say no.
I became increasingly suicidal in feeling in my final two months of walmart. I was afraid that I would actually do it. I mean, some days.... gosh, I came very close.
I went to my doctor in April of '10, who authorized a medical leave for walmart and altered my medicine dosage. Over three months, the feeling subsided. I have spent the last months writing stories, listening to music, watching tv, playing Spore and doing chores.
I spend time with our cats. I like cats. They may not care about you but they are friends who won't turn on you. I don't like dogs for the opposite reasons. I actually HATE dogs. This makes me a 'bad person' in some peoples' opinions.
Perhaps I am too sensitive. I have always been too sensitive. Anxiety Disorder maginifies sensitivity so much, I can't deal with many people at once, hardly can deal driviing in heavy traffic, and especially can't deal with hateful, hurtful and insensitive people.
I made the decision to leave walmart in May. I asked many people for advice. They said if it causes such feelings and makes my mental illness worse, then leave. It was not a decision I made lightly.
So I left.
The time since has been very hard. I will admit, I am at home, I never left. My father has been disabled for 14 years. Who else will help him but me and my mom?
Doctors say, once you have a stroke, another is more likely. Could happen at any time. To see your father broken down like that has to be harder than losing him. It has been hard.
It has been hard because there is no money. I am using my sister's wireless thingy to go on the web. She does not help us. Going hungry is common. My family is on a fixed income, a sadly insufficient income. I cannot go get another job. Our car was repossessed in July. How will I get there?
I do have a car. It is disabled by a tension problem in a critical belt. Three repairs of it have failed. I will fix it myself hopefully if I get a tax return.
But my car is 13 years old. It doesn't look too good with oxidization of its paint. It likely cannot be repaired and I will have to sell it. I love that car. It has always brought me home. Besides, its a Mazda, who makes nice cars.
I am trapped here. This is likely making my Anxiety Disorder worse, drawing me in on myself more. I feel uncomfortable even going to the Post Office. At what point does it become a disability?
I will ask my doctor that.
I believe my life will end in suicide. Maybe not today, not tomorrow or next year but some time, it will get worse like that.
No one seems to understand or wants to help. I have given up asking for help.
I can return to Walmart. I am a trained associate, indoctrinated into the 'culture'. But I will never set foot in 407, EVER AGAIN. I have not since April 23, 2010, and I will never again.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Abject Life
This winter has been harsh. I have been unemployed since June and now, repurcusssions include all but starving. That is not a problem now but the future is uncertain.
I lack the means to go anywhere. The car I drive was repo'ed in October. Err. Was this my fault? Not really. It was not my car, but I coulda helped. I feel guilty anyway.
I may have mentioned before that I don't take cold very well. This is true as I write this, my hands are cold. Yet, it is in the low 70's in my room. It is 48 outside at the moment.
I do not have reliable net access. I had to borrow a wireless card to get my pc online. This is not always available.
I am hoping to get a new job later in this winter, even if I have to return to the Evil Empire, um, walmart.
There is no guarantee that my anxiety won't wind up and snap again. I am a suicide risk when it does. I am okay as long as I stay in here and calm.
I think of the almost 17 years since I graduated high school. I have changed much in that time, and not all for the better. I feel sad when I think of that time. I thought my adult life would have been much better. None of it came true.
I maintain my sweetness and caring, and I am sorry for any bad thing I did, including the disasterous breakup with Malee. I wonder if she still hates me. That was the fault of my medicine, which reduces my willpower and resistance to temptation, keeping secrets, etc... I have reduced my medicine to make it last and have regained much of what makes me sweet. I feel guilty for that as well.
No, I did not cheat, I would never do that. I am not a sexually driven guy, as I have chronic prostatis, which ALWAYS hurts, esp when I pee or do the other thing.
I want a girlfriend who understands and cares, but sitting here, I am not going to meet her. Just as well. I am doomed to be alone.
I will not post many more posts like this, because this blog was never meant to be that personal. I will try to get more reliable net access when I get a tax return.
Happy New Year to everyone, may it be better than the last.
I lack the means to go anywhere. The car I drive was repo'ed in October. Err. Was this my fault? Not really. It was not my car, but I coulda helped. I feel guilty anyway.
I may have mentioned before that I don't take cold very well. This is true as I write this, my hands are cold. Yet, it is in the low 70's in my room. It is 48 outside at the moment.
I do not have reliable net access. I had to borrow a wireless card to get my pc online. This is not always available.
I am hoping to get a new job later in this winter, even if I have to return to the Evil Empire, um, walmart.
There is no guarantee that my anxiety won't wind up and snap again. I am a suicide risk when it does. I am okay as long as I stay in here and calm.
I think of the almost 17 years since I graduated high school. I have changed much in that time, and not all for the better. I feel sad when I think of that time. I thought my adult life would have been much better. None of it came true.
I maintain my sweetness and caring, and I am sorry for any bad thing I did, including the disasterous breakup with Malee. I wonder if she still hates me. That was the fault of my medicine, which reduces my willpower and resistance to temptation, keeping secrets, etc... I have reduced my medicine to make it last and have regained much of what makes me sweet. I feel guilty for that as well.
No, I did not cheat, I would never do that. I am not a sexually driven guy, as I have chronic prostatis, which ALWAYS hurts, esp when I pee or do the other thing.
I want a girlfriend who understands and cares, but sitting here, I am not going to meet her. Just as well. I am doomed to be alone.
I will not post many more posts like this, because this blog was never meant to be that personal. I will try to get more reliable net access when I get a tax return.
Happy New Year to everyone, may it be better than the last.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Sick, but Sharp
I have cut down on taking the Celexa-clone so it does not affect the cough medicine I take. I have a ? Stap infection? Cold? Respiratory infection? Whatever, it freaking hurts and my right ear is stopped up, screwing up my hearing, my 2nd most important sense.
It kinda hurts to breathe and I assume that I should go see the doc but I have no money to do so. It sucks. I wrote a letter to my bank about charging me to death for overdraft. I suck at math and Im weak to getting things I consider needed, no matter the cost.
I have written a lot over the last three days. I have watched the entire second season of Babylon 5 in the last three days. I have seen some of my favorite infomercials and i have been getting along fine mentally. No anxiety here in the rural wasteland.
This sickness is taking a toll on me. I may have to beg $15 from someone so I can see a doc.
I did the m-thing just a while ago and it's working fine. The antibiotic I am taking probably killed whatever was hurting my prostate.
It isn't cold. I dont know what is going on with the weather. It is probably why I'm sick. I didn't go to work today because my fever was over 100. I will not sign any punishment for missing too many days. I am truly sick.
My head cannot decide if it wants to hurt or not. My ear is bothering me. My chest feels like someone took a wire brush and cleaned out the inside of my bronchi and trachea, esp in my throat.
Oddly, I have not had much nasal congestion. This is maybe not the case since my coughing has become worse, a sign of respiratory distress. It shouldn't hurt to breathe.
I maybe getting emotionally better since this holiday bs is almost over. Hail hail, March 2nd. Texas Independence Day. Now there's you a holiday to celebrate.
This ghost is a Texan through and through and no amount of talk, or charm or even my favorite Californian, Jen, can take that out of me,
I got a bitchin new cell phone, a Samsung sgh-a127 camera phone. Let those douchebags commit a safety violation now. I will have photographic evidence. My only complaint about it is that it is red. I never liked red but its dark enough to be tolerable.
I played warcraft at Jen's house. I didn't get much out of it. I'd much rather play Final Fantasy 9.
Gosh, this would be a great time if I wasn't sick. Oh well, nothing is a perfect moment without some complication.
I will have a perfect moment sometime in January. I'll keep ya'll posted. I may take a trip to see the Alamo again and Jen's coming too. We may go see Disturbed, too. Hope my ear heals up before then.
Jen and I are becoming closer finally.
Maybe that is why I'm cheerful despite my distorted voice and uneasy breathing.
It kinda hurts to breathe and I assume that I should go see the doc but I have no money to do so. It sucks. I wrote a letter to my bank about charging me to death for overdraft. I suck at math and Im weak to getting things I consider needed, no matter the cost.
I have written a lot over the last three days. I have watched the entire second season of Babylon 5 in the last three days. I have seen some of my favorite infomercials and i have been getting along fine mentally. No anxiety here in the rural wasteland.
This sickness is taking a toll on me. I may have to beg $15 from someone so I can see a doc.
I did the m-thing just a while ago and it's working fine. The antibiotic I am taking probably killed whatever was hurting my prostate.
It isn't cold. I dont know what is going on with the weather. It is probably why I'm sick. I didn't go to work today because my fever was over 100. I will not sign any punishment for missing too many days. I am truly sick.
My head cannot decide if it wants to hurt or not. My ear is bothering me. My chest feels like someone took a wire brush and cleaned out the inside of my bronchi and trachea, esp in my throat.
Oddly, I have not had much nasal congestion. This is maybe not the case since my coughing has become worse, a sign of respiratory distress. It shouldn't hurt to breathe.
I maybe getting emotionally better since this holiday bs is almost over. Hail hail, March 2nd. Texas Independence Day. Now there's you a holiday to celebrate.
This ghost is a Texan through and through and no amount of talk, or charm or even my favorite Californian, Jen, can take that out of me,
I got a bitchin new cell phone, a Samsung sgh-a127 camera phone. Let those douchebags commit a safety violation now. I will have photographic evidence. My only complaint about it is that it is red. I never liked red but its dark enough to be tolerable.
I played warcraft at Jen's house. I didn't get much out of it. I'd much rather play Final Fantasy 9.
Gosh, this would be a great time if I wasn't sick. Oh well, nothing is a perfect moment without some complication.
I will have a perfect moment sometime in January. I'll keep ya'll posted. I may take a trip to see the Alamo again and Jen's coming too. We may go see Disturbed, too. Hope my ear heals up before then.
Jen and I are becoming closer finally.
Maybe that is why I'm cheerful despite my distorted voice and uneasy breathing.