No M-Thing

Another personal subject.

I don't usually write about that part of my life, how I manage the constant need. I am not different from other guys like that, I just hide it.

I started taking celexa again. I had bad anxiety and couldn't sleep but I slept well today. Well, until someone came to bother me.

The very dry arctic air that has paralyzed the USA is also down here in Tx. I am staying by the heater.

This is ravaging my skin. My arms, my knees, elbows, even my peena. I would post a picture of it so you can see but not in this blog. If you are interested, I can give you the address of this picture.

I use Aveeno, yet again. The potent kind. Itchy dry skin gets cracked and bleeds. Sensitivity increases.

It is a curse.

Getting back to the topic, I have to do the m-thing for health reasons, mainly to do with my stupid prostate gland. It will only hurt more as I get older.

But celexa.... it inhibits the reflex that helps a guy finish. I could go on for hours (not a good idea) and still wouldn't finish.

And the dry skin... I don't want to injure my peena. Imagine going to the doctor with that.

So I have suspended the m-thing. It will be hard but with low T, does it even matter anymore?

Sad Again

I have some kind of oscillating depression. I feel okay some days but there are those days when I think of suicide and dying. I try to avoid those days. I mean the last one I had, I went outside naked, I did the m-thing, I am driven to do things like that.

No, I cannot do the m-thing outside. Anxiety clamps down and ha, things don't work.

I can come back inside and yes, though it depends on how badly I am hurting. I cannot do the m-thing when it hurts bad.

Yes, I admit to doing the m-thing, self pleasure, because I have no girlfriend or friend with that benefit. Even if I did, sex hurts my prostate, though I believe that is a positional thing based on my experience with Malee. Female can't lay there like a gel doll. She's got to move, participate.

As I get older, it seems unlikely that I can do it at all. My peeny does not hurt, the pain is inside, and unless you know a lot about male anatomy, I can't explain exactly where it is. It feels like a raging blaze right behind my scrotal area. It is constant, never changes unless it intensifies which it does occasionally.

When I have a panic attack, my muscles lock up squeeze on an already damaged prostate gland. that freaking hurts. I mean HURT in capital letters. Other stuff happens in a panic attack, sweating, shaking, feeling terrified. Can't breathe. It happens when I drive. It happens when I go somewhere. It happens when I get yelled at. It happens when someone unfamiliar comes here.

I AVOID. I don't like panic attacks, not at all. I would rather break my own arm than willingly go through one. So to AVOID, I stay inside, I don't go anywhere and even if I did, I would be poor company to keep, being reticent and shy.

Anxiety Disorder has warped my life. I don't think I will ever get better. I can't afford treatment and to get treatment, I have to go to Georgetown, which is some way from here. That is not unfamiliar territory, I used to work in Georgetown. Back before I developed full Social Anxiety Disorder. The Agoraphobia is a side effect, a fear driven not by people but panic attacks. I hate panic attacks.

What is this doing to my heart? Sometimes I have chest pains. This may not be heart-related but it hurts.

If I develop prostate cancer, heart disease, or there is a chance that I could develop lung cancer, how will I ever get treatment? I would die because I can't go outside and seek help.

A fine thing, that.

You may not worry about such things but I do. I am scared, I admit it.

I need help now.

Naughty Me

I will admit that I have a porn addiction. This is not because I am a freak or a pervert. This started when Dr. H, my urologist told me to either have sex more or m-thing more. I was with Jen when this happened and she would not even consider helping me that way. Some girlfriend she was.

I can't exactly tell you what it feels like to have chronic prostatitis. It hurts. It hurts like lump of pain centered exactly behind my scrotal area. 

I have written about this before. I posted an anatomical picture of the prostate gland in an earlier post last year. 

I hate my prostate gland. I hate it with a passion. I wish I could cut it out but that would cause fatal bleeding. It hurts me to pee. It hurts like the uroscope thing did when they stuck it in me and it burns, like acid and needles. This is just when I pee. It isn't so bad when I wake up for the day. The more I go, the more it hurts. This is why I do not drink enough water/tea whatever as I should. 

Oh, the other, that hurts worse. Force compression on my prostate as the colon expands and contracts as stuff moves through it. There are times it hurts so bad, I can barely breathe. 

Now I know you may not like reading personal stuff like this but this is Factor Two in my suicide plan. I will likely hurt more as I get older and have BPH which is normal for a guy as he gets older. My prostate is damaged, likely by stress, bacterial infection, or it just wants to hurt me.

To relieve stress pain, I take a painfully hot bath. I am used to this, I kinda like it when my pale white skin turns red. 

Oh, porn addiction. I like mainly female-only porn. I have severe misandry. I hate other guys. My favorite 'actresses' are Lela Star and Jana Cova. It would be massively cool if they did a film together. 

It is likely because of my porn addiction why I cannot finish in sex, or else that was Malee's fault. I was physically turned off by her the last time we were together. 

If I am allowed a future girlfriend, I hope that is not the case. 

I do not hide my Penthouse subscription though I am kinda disappointed in some of the more recent issues. I may let it expire when it is over in april.

I have several dvd's only ordered from Vivid. Michael Ninn's Fem Luminoso is my favorite.

How does it feel when I finish? The same burn, but an intensity that causes a shudder to pass through me. If I have viable s-cells, I have no idea. I will have this tested when next I see the urologist, when my health insurance is restored. 

Oh, I am not that shy in discussing this basic part of my masculinity. I wish I had been a girl, if I could change, I would. 

'Commitment Day' by James Alan Gardner dealt with that very thing. I asked him by e~mail years ago where he got the idea. He said it was an equality thing. Pity we can't do it in real life. 

The Culture novels of Iain M Banks show people who can do this very thing at will through nigh magical technology. It is not a big deal. The idea even creeps into my stories, though mainly through the errors of genetic tampering. 

I am not feminine, no. I like the same things other guys do. But do not believe for a second that I would not trade it all in. 

If I was the same person as a girl, I would have been very naughty. Given that I am naturally cute now, it would have been more so had I been female. 

No, femaleness isn't all sweetness and light all the time, I know. It can't be worse than the shame/pain/worthlessness that I feel as a guy. I will likely have severe prostate trouble as I ger older, and that scares me.

Maybe in the next life. I pray so. I will be female.

Until then, I will be what I am, and be cute at it. 

Unable to .... No M-thing :(

Unlike Arthelius the Ghost, my net counterpart, I have a penis connected by a troubled urethra to a much troubled prostate gland and a bladder that wishes it was in someone else.

I don't usually talk about my peeny. It isn't something that I like to talk about. It isn't that I don't like it. I love mine. It has never failed me and has amused me for most of my life. Certain things are interesting. Its shape, its circumcision scar, and its general pinkness.

The only woman with whom I had sex considered it a beautiful thing and was muchly satisfied with it. I valued her opinion and feel confident that I could satisfy all but the loosest women.

However.... my peeny is troubled.

It is NOT sick in any way. It is a bystander to the real action, an angry prostate. My prostate throbs, my urethra, which passes through it like a train tunnel in a mountain, burns with ????

It hurts when I pee. It hurts when I sit down. It hurts when I bend over. It hurts when I stretch, twist, or carry something heavy. It hurts right now just writing this.

I have held off doing the m-thing because it alwys hurts really bad afterwards, especially in the morning after. And when the pain is the worst, it tends to leak urine, which you know, might be embarrassing, but crap! I love my underwear. I wear color coordinated underwear that I look good in. (Black when I go to work, white on my day off or gray, depends on the shirt I'm wearing).

While it may never happen, if someone robs me and Jen or our store and makes us strip to our underwear, I will not be the worst looking guy.

I don't actually like peeing. It has been annoyance since I tend to pee a lot when properly hydrated, which I have been intentionally avoiding to my detriment. Dr. L really hates that.

My prostate is angry because? No one really knows. It may just be pissed off that I'm not getting any.

I do the m-thing to purge hormones that distort my thinking into thinking about sex, but also because I believe it is healthy.

Now when I try, my peeny functions as designed but prostate says, 'I don't think so.... chump'.

It intensifies in pain and sends burning pain down my urtethra, making it feel like I am wetting myself when I am not.

My peeny does not stay in its rigid state long if I am hurting. It senses, I guess, that the plumbing isn't working right. It is dry anyway. I have severe dry skin and the 11% humidity today was not exactly helping.

I'm sorry, peeny, I never intended to develop an angry and painful prostate.

I am growing frustrated with this whole thing. I will order a new Vivid movie now and try again.

If Jen would open up just once and showed me her exquisite beauty unclothed, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard, you know?

Somewhere, in the depths of the Force, Arthelius is laughing at me, the douchebag.

Aborted M-Thing

This is a personal post. I write it beause understanding me is the goal of my blogs.

I am in a sexless relationship with Jen. This is because in her sometimes vapid mind, belief in marriage is something requisite to even sharing nakedness let alone a poke party.

I am a human male. I feel like the ghost I am in my web persona. My anxiety plays a huge role in that. I take a medicine (the Celexa-clone) that does have effects in the build-up and time of release in the male orgasm.

I can regulate how much time it takes but when I am just doing the m-thing for myself, I like it to go by quickly. The m-thing is a regulator. It purges hormones, settles my sometimes achy urinary system, and hey, it feels good.

In sex, in my experience, I can go a long time before climax. I do not know why that is, but likely because my troublesome prostate doesn't immediately react to things.

Betroubled with prostatitis makes it feel like a vise is pinching on the base of my urinary bladder. This leads to the pain.

The pain limits me to the m-thing maybe 3 times in a week, but sometimes not even that.

I have done the m-thing for most of my adult life, maybe not for a good reason, because sometimes, I was bored years ago. Not anymore.

I call it the m-thing because I hate the word 'mastrubation'.

The m-thing is natural, safe and satisfying.

I do advocate it, especially for girls, so maybe they can be safe and not exposed to diseases that upset the delicate balance of the female urogenital tract.

I abort it sometimes. When I am dehydrated, which is often, or when I am distracted by lack of privacy, loud noises or pain.

But tonight was the first time I aborted it because it is too cold. I have disabled the heat vent in my room because the heat dried out my skin. It is 31 outside now.

Come on, I mean, this is the rural wasteland, where 100 is just another day.

I should mention, all of my skin dries out, even the thing involved in the m-thing.

I will go take a shower, yay for shea butter, and maybe tomorrow. I am off from the cesspit. Maybe I can do my X-Mas shopping, because I couldn't afford it before now.

Arthelius never had to do the m-thing. I mean, hey, he used the Force to get into a lucky female's panties. Probably it's why he's a ghost now, you think?

LOL.

If you don't like this, sorry, this is my blog. What do you expect from a guy with a frigid gf?