Troubled

This started on Feb 3rd.

Like every 3rd, I pay my bills, get my medications, get my MeUndies. 

But I had to pay the po box fee and I renewed my subscription to Archaeology, which I have read since I was a kid. This was $77 together. 

So I go get my phone minutes and hygiene things at wm. I got a movie as I normally do. This was $71 altogether, mainly because hygiene things tend to be expensive. 

I failed to get my T-Mobile data pass. I may be unable to write this if I waited too long. It's $50. 

Then we went to get groceries. It costed exactly all the money I had left, $326. Why? What the hell? This is almost half more than typical. The biggest cost of our groceries is meat, outrageous labor costs passed on to consumers.

The orange baboon says the economy is better than ever. Maybe if you had the disease of affluence. 

Poor people like us do not have any benefit from this economy. We don't have any cost of living relief, rather, it's harder to get by more so than any point in my life. 

It's not that we like expensive things. It is labor costs somewhere along the chain of supply. 

It is maybe not good to eat meat but it is also not good to eat only plants. In moderation, as in all things. 

We buy for the month, not for a week. 

Also, on Feb 3rd five years ago, my dad passed away. I have been dealing with memories and grief.

Same pain I have for a friend I knew since childhood who died on April 9th last year.

No, I don't honor their memories by feeling pain but I cannot help it. My empathy is too powerful. 

I feel stressed by these things. I feel maybe I can't deal with it. I am afraid. 

Anxiety disorder is fear. Always fear. The med helps but not totally. 

I have had suicidal thoughts. I resist them. I have a duty, a promise made to my dad. I will be there for my mom always. 

But these things ain't helping. 

I'm not ready to be a real ghost yet.

 

 

Worry Pain

I am too sensitive. I have always been. I have ever-more debilitating anxiety disorder and am on disability for it. This is shameful but understand that I cannot just 'go out'. Enough has been written here about that over the years so I won't go back over that. 

I am a guy who hates stepping on snails. There are many around here for whatever reason and snails are not insects or arthropods. They are cephalopods and they deserve respect, some insects do not. 

I am afraid of scorpions, I always have been after being stung as a small child. That memory is still vivid 35 years later. 

I worry a lot. Last Friday, my sister 'borrowed' $123 from me to pay her truck insurance. I have 3 venlafaxine left and that money was to pay for my refill. So now I face withdrawal from a powerful anxiety medication and the return of the feelings I cannot deal with. 

This is ever worse because of something I call doofus Trump. I am very worried about him and what he might do like fuck with Social Security, which is my livelihood. 

Also, I have a gay friend. What happens when no one serves him because it is acceptable in doofus Trump America to discriminate against people of 'unacceptable' sexual orientations? 

The same applies to people of color. They are no less human than anyone else just because they don't look like you. All humans are 99% genetically identical. 

I don't like Islam but those refugees are people. Will it be okay to victimize them more than they have been already?

People who have come to the US from Latin America are not always from Mexico. They escape conditions that may arise here in the US because of doofus Trump. 

America is hopelessly divided. I am on the blue side. I do not feel shame that I am politically liberal or that I support the Democratic Party. I always will. My central belief is helping people, why I have always worked in a store. 

I am afraid doofus Trump will trigger a nuclear war. I have been afraid of a nuclear war since I was a child. I started to listen to the radio all the time then, something that continues to this day and ever after. 

I am afraid he will pull the US out of NATO and get cozy with that monster Putin. Russia was never our friend, I believe that. The security of the West, Europe, the US depends on a strong alliance that has persisted for many years and should always exist.

Angering the Chinese with trade tariffs and economic cuts will drive up prices here, in the US, where things are already getting more expensive. What if they draw a line and doofus Trump goes over it? Would they attack the US?

I worry about all of this. I worry that this situation parallels the ascension of Hitler in the early 1930s. Is doofus Trump really that racist? Seems so. 

I agree with the protestors. I agree that this is bad for America. I agree that misogyny is unacceptable. I will stand up for women as if for no one else. 

What do you know of doofus Trump? For years, he has manipulated his way to success, not caring who he stepped on. He talks like an idiot, more interested in insulting people and inciting violence than talking about policy.

The man is a real estate mogul. He calls himself an expert of business when much of his wealth is inherited. He has hurt people.

Why did Ivana leave him? His misogyny or something more? I could find out but I do not want to look up doofus Trump.  

Speaking of that, that woman, Melania. What of her? She isn't really an American and will be the first lady. It is a sad joke.  

10 years of an ineffectual congress. It didn't change. Now they will rubber stamp whatever ill conceived policy for doofus Trump, their 'ally' who isn't really a republican, you'd see if you paid attention to him in the past. 

They are protesting in Austin right now. If I had a car, I'd go down there and protest with them. 

I am afraid of this whole situation. The things I have discussed here.

I am afraid doofus Trump might lead me into hurting myself. I can't deal with some things. 

I am too sensitive, yes. I am a cat person, too. I am afraid of attention and maybe of women, too. I feel panic when one takes an interest in me. 

Panic sweat. Shaking. Tachycardia. I have high blood pressure now. Inherited from my father. Will my anxiety disorder kill me? Seems likely. 

I avoid salt as much as possible but it is not easy. I should exercise but when just going outside is hard, how? I am staying in an awful RV not far from where I had lived for 15 years. Some things haven't changed. 

I do not know what will happen. I hate that. I always think ahead and not being able to makes me worry. 

I have to wash outside with a water hose. The water is cold. I am naked in a semi-enclosed area open to the back, which faces a densely forested area. I am not shy about nudity but not when I am bathing. I take my glasses off and cannot see clearly. 

I believe I couldn't do this without venlafaxine. As mine dwindles away, I have 3 left, what happens when I run out? I am worried about that. 

I worry that we will have our freedoms curtailed. I hope the US Constitution restricts what doofus Trump can do. I believe he already violates a clause in it, the one about being fit for office. The highest office in the free world. 

How could Americans hate each other? Didn't we already go through this? But I understand the hate on the blue side. I feel it, too. 

I am worried, yes. My anxiety feeds into this, like gas on a fire. I am uncomfortable and stressed because of an election. 

I am worried about living through 4 years of doofus Trump. If that is wrong, sorry. You don't feel what I do. I don't believe you could tolerate it. 

If it is true, that nothing happens, then it'll be all right but I just cannot believe that. 

Troubled

I think I have established I have moved. I have moved to an apartment building in my hometown. It is good not to have to drive many miles just to check the mail or to the store. 

However, in the presence of so many all around, my computer's wifi card picks up like 10 signals, it isn't good. Back in the old house, it didn't pick up anything. This may not be a wise way to tell if many others are around but it is true. 

My anxiety feathers have been ruffled. I do not know if my medicine is helping. I am able to do things I wasn't before. 

I 'met' a girl online. I know this isn't the proper way to do it but like I have said, you never know...

What effect does this girl have? She displays the traits of a female, wants something, largely indifferent, unfocused. 

What does she have in common with me? This troubles me a lot. 

Should I let my anxiety feathers open and let her in? Not yet. 

I don't want to be alone in my elder life but is this the answer?

I don't feel good because of this. Anxiety is definitely provoked. 

Move Stress

I have moved back to my hometown. There is much still to be done. I no longer have to deal with the bugs biting me or the 90ish degree temperatures in there. 

However, I lived out there for 15 years. Wrote much about it in this blog in the past. It is hard emotionally and terribly. My stress has been terrible. 

This has made my male pain a lot worse. Stress is what aggravates it. I am prone to urinary accidents after I pee. My body relaxes from the pee reflex and some urine ?did not come out whe I was going. This drip can  be a few drops or more commonly, enough to wet myself.


I cannot stand for my genital skin to be in a soiled fabric no more than a baby can. To react, I change my underwear and go wash my parts with Dial. 

Will this get worse as I get older? Will I wet myself and be in a place where I can't change? 

In the old place, I could go without underwear or pants but now I live in an apartment building and that is unacceptable. 

I am not particularly affected by my own nudity. It is nothing to get upset over. 

I have these prostate-parts-urinary problems that keep getting worse. I am afraid I must go to the doctor again and have more embarrassing exams.

Trouble

Every month, I pay Directv an inordinate amount of money. It is my responsibility here. Okay, that's how it is, has been for a long time now. I deal with it.

But last time...

Understand, my old debit card was destroyed. I had to get a new one, a completely different number and everything. So I inputted the new card and deleted the old. At first, the stupid over-complicated website said it did not take. I re-entered it and then checked my balance sheet, oops. It DID take.

I paid the same bill twice.

I am on a fixed income. I cannot deal with an inordinate amount of money being missing from my balance. What is the deal? Can't they just refund the overpayment?

This is stressing me to the max.

I don't know but will killing myself solve this problem? Don't need the money then.

No, this should smooth out and be taken care of. You know banks move at a glacial pace.

Ants on my bed! What the fuck? I think I got them all. I don't have many bites from them, despite being sweaty which draws insects because of salt and other things in sweat.

Should I post pictures of my ant bites? How about the two on my scrotum? I am sick of this! It grinds on my anxiety as bad as this budget mistake.

I don't know what will happen. If this settles favorably, I will have a nice chicken dinner, which is always a good thing.

If not, I told you about the dark place. If you like or love me, please pray for me.

Stress Guilt

Okay, I did not go to our 20th Anniversary Class reunion. The organizer assures there will be more events in the future.

Really? I have become more progressively worse in my anxiety disorder as time goes by. I mean, in the time when those with whom I grew up were having fun, I took out the trash.

I violated the cardinal rule about taking out the trash. I got some on me, some gnarly things better left to your imagination. I mean, not something strange to me, I used to take out the trash at the store. At least there were no bees like in the supermarket in which I worked, now, so long ago.

I took a shower. My icky pale skin looks different in the daylight. I don't like it.

I have been feeling guilty because I did not go. They wanted me to. How strange that someone actually wants to see me. That is contrary to how my life has been for the last 5 years.

I could not go, I don't want to be liable for the gas required to drive clear across the county.

My debit card is broken anyway. How would I pay for it? I am sooo mad at myself for forgetting it. Poor thing, all melted like that. No telling when I will get a new one, stuck in 'mail pan', what ever that means.

I listened to my mp3 player for a while. I do when doing something unpleasant like taking out the trash. I used to be able to carry it down the hill. Now I use the truck.

I don't know, I did want to go. I would like to see some people but there would be spouses there and people I do not know or haven't ever met? No thank you.

I wonder if this will happen again. An invitation. I intend to use my medicare and see if a different medicine can help me. Doctors.... like a trained monkey. Why can't they figure it out?

The stress caused by this reunion affected me perhaps too much. I have been unsettled for days. It's not clear what I can do about it.

I apologize for the trouble this has caused. I have to avoid stress, I mean, I could talk about my final days at wm. Stress like that made me want to kill myself.

I didn't, obviously. Now, that things have gotten worse, could I avoid that again?

I don't think so.

Being a real ghost simply doesn't appeal to me.

Troubles

You may not know, that on August 24, 2008, I attempted suicide. I used a pair of sharp scissors. I did not succeed because my sister interrupted me.

Why? Stress at wm mainly, it was a bad time for me then. August is when I took my vacations because it is my favorite time of the year. Good things happened to me in August's of the past.

But fast forward many years now. I do not have the stress I did at wm. instead, I have shame. Shame that I am childless at age 38, not because I can't physically, it is this fucking anxiety disorder.

If you don't have it, you can't understand it. It is like a constrictor snake around the soul. When provoked, it constricts. That is a pretty good analogy for what I feel.

When stressed, get away, stop it. Avoid. Can't do that if the stressor is work or somewhere away from home.

I watch a lot of tv. This isn't like all the time. I write stories most of the time and don't pay attention to a lot of it. I have been keeping up with this missing airplane and the potential for war in Russia.

I watch the usual shows, WWE, racing, Lockup, occasionally a movie, but other than the news, not much else.

I mention tv because we are inundated with happy images of parents and children. If this is the norm, does this make me abnormal? Is it possible even, to even hope that I can have a child?

Why can't I? Anxiety. In sex, it has happened in all the times I have done it. Anxiety that this awesome responsibility could happen. I am on Social Security. How could I provide for a child? Would a child not be a stressor for anxiety? Judging from my niece, yes.

Summer is a hard time for me. Not because people wear less and are generally better looking. But is a lonelier time for me. I generally write better stories when I am able to go out and see things. Meet new people, see my friends in reality, instead of FB.

Then there is a class reunion this summer. 20 years. It is so hard to believe that it has been 20 since that dark night in the football stadium. People cheered when I got my diploma. 

If I only had known then what I know now.

The world changed since then. Uncertainty became the norm.

Uncertainty is a stressor.

It is my intention to get a new bicycle for exercise purposes. I will wait until it is warm to ride it, which will be before I get it, actually. I will wear shorts.

Wearing shorts is a stressor. I have male legs, yes, I am hairy like a hobbit there. That is okay, I am a guy. What isn't okay is skin the color of milk in the sunlight.

I do not tan and frankly, skin that hasn't seen sunlight in decades, as I always wear pants, could be scorched. I don't want sunburns, I do not want to look old. When my peers have lined faces, wrinkles and a general worn look, I don't.

Aging is a huge stressor. Can't stop it. It is the entropy of time. Time has passed, 38 years. you know, in the old days, like up until 1800, this was as long as people lived.

There is a remote possibility, cannot rule it out, that I will get a new girlfriend this summer. Will she be a stressor? If she's anything like Jen, yes, but I don't believe that is like that. I mean, everybody is different.

No, a girlfriend is like a salve, a panacea to stressed feeling. This is a benefit better than any medicine and the side effects aren't always bad.

It isn't going to happen, pragmatism says. I am not social. I don't go anywhere. When I do go somewhere, it is like a trouble storm. Driving is a huge stressor. Then other people.... the main reason I have anxiety disorder?

Being small and hobbit-like, I am not that appealing. I am not that small. I am 64.5 inches tall.

I honestly think, if I ever get a place of my own, something that scares me, honestly, I would be more open to getting a new girlfriend.

Why bother? If life stresses me, why bother?

This summer is going to be tough.

I will talk later about losing 10 lbs, can't lose any more because I would be underweight then.

I have been fooled into thinking exercise would help eliminate body pain.

Body pain, that is a very big stressor.

Upset

There are parts of my life I don't usually talk about. One of these is a big one. I never talk about defecation.

We all do it. It is the result of having a digestion system.

My body is peculiar in a way. I can be constipated for 3 or 4 days and then it comes all at once. This could be that I have a bad diet or stress or the medication I take to manage my anxiety feathers.

To clean up. I never was any good with toilet tissue. I likely never learned right or forgot if I did. For a long time, I started using water to clean up. Spraying my anal area in the bathtub and get clean that way.

Obviously this happens near shower time, I try to keep regularity at that time.  Sometimes it is not possible and I have wet wipes and so forth to clean up. I wear relatively expensive underwear so I keep it clean.

Why am I talking about this unpleasant subject?

Well, I have to go. But I can't because the water heater here is turned off. It has been 30 degrees F for like 22 hours. It likely will be so until the sun rises tomorrow.

The theory behind turning the water heater off is because the water must drip to protect the old pvc pipes under the house. I have already had to fix one as chronicled earlier in this blog.

Dripping the hot water line will 'raise the electric bill' if the water heater is not turned off so it is. This idiocy has to be respected to keep the peace.

So I cannot take a shower let alone go to the bathroom. Not to mention that it is very cold in that bathroom.

I am sorry if this bothers you. I mean, it shouldn't. We all have to go sometime.

I am seriously stressed by this intrusion into my life's simple routines.

Hate

I don't hate anyone. I don't have contact with many people on a daily level, being agoraphobic.

I have enmity, for Jen, but that was because she hurt me. I don't hate her.

I have a strong dislike to some others.

But who reads my blog? From foreign countries? Would it kill you to leave a comment? You can do so anonymously.

I am growing to strongly dislike this whole thing. Life. None of it matters. I fight a daily battle not to go outside, strip to my underwear and hang myself from a tree.

Goodness knows I have thought of it often.

Self-Misandry

I have a constant pain in my pelvic area. Sometimes it intensifies. If you read enough of this blog, you know that I have prostate issues.

Why? I am too sensitive, have been since I was a kid. I don't know why, it is natural for me. I am very shy, always have been. I developed anxiety disorder and agoraphobia in my mid 30's. Stress taken too far.

Why? I have empathy. I like to help people, I am sweet and a good friend.

I believe I was not meant to be male. I am male and there is no changing that but when my soul came to me, it may have been a female soul. I have always believed that. I am too sensitive to discuss this in person.

I post pictures of my parts because I hate them. I hate them and the organs that continually produce this poison that makes me grow body hair and desire.

I am not a 'man'. I am male. To me, there is a big distinction.

If you think being male is great, you are sadly mistaken. Sometimes, it is far harder than you think, shame, despair, just feeling ineffectual.

I hate shaving, it hurts. Cuts. I have to wait a day for the cuts to heal to go anywhere. I have a new bodygroom electric razor for my body. Can't use it on face. Seems all right to use it on a far more sensitive area like a scrotum. Doesn't make sense to me.

I don't hate myself, I hate what I am.

Power Failure

X-post from my old blog at Diary Land.

8:53 p.m. - 15 March 2004
power failure
About electricity.

Do you know how much our lives depend on it? How it comforts us and keeps us safe and occupied?

When it goes out, it's never a good thing. My power went out for 2 hours and came back on just 20 minutes ago.

Sitting here in the dark, listening to Massive Attack is cool but I'd rather much be on the net at the same time.

The power company is incompetent. They take forever to find and fix the problem. Of course, this is Tx, we don't have blackouts or anything like that here. This was no doubt weather related.

I hope your power is on and you all are doing good. Mine is now and I'm doing much better than I was an hour ago :)

Now consider that just a few moments ago, the power came back on after being out for nearly three hours. That has not happened since that blog post was written way back.

I was writing on a story when the power went out. Timed backup saved a lot, thanks Corel.

The USA has a threadbare power system. If companies pulled their heads out of their greed mammon seeking asses, they would invest in improving infrastructure.

A simple thunderstorm caused this. What would a tornado or solar flare do? Good thing I still have a cd walkman.

I will be okay now. I was very upset. I actually went outside for a bit, not pleasant since it was and still is 47 out there. I need to talk to someone. I will look online, I guess.

A Disturbing Realization.

*A Warning* This is personal.

I am 64.7 inches tall. For the first 30 years of my life, I weighed 120ish pounds. I am now closer to 160. I am not fat, I have weight gain because of Celexa and the fact that I am not very active.

When I was a young adult, I used to believe that I was a cute guy. Many girls said so. The cuteness remains on some days but I don't feel cute most of the time.

Could I have been a twink? Absolutely not. I may have been skinny and cute but I AM NOT attracted to other guys. The thought sickens me. I was raised in a community where that was not very acceptable and gosh, I have always been attracted to blondes and Asian girls.

But I am growing to wonder if that was how people saw me, why I lost my virginity at the age of 24 in Austin. With her, it was so great, so natural.

The only other female I have had sex with, Malee, it was like a nightmare. I cringe when I remember it. I won't descreibe it further in respect to her. It was a mistake I will regret for the rest of my days.

I am glad I am not so young looking now. If my appearance reflected how I feel emotionally, I would be melted bones. My facial hair is graying. I can only stand to shave once a week because it freaking hurts, but it could be that Hydro razor I use.

I mean, I have a Norelco Bodygroom electric razor that I use to shave my chest, abdomen, private area and my hiney with. That does not hurt. I do not shave my arm/leg hair, they aren't so bad.

My body's skin tone is as pale as white plastic. I am kinda self conscious about that but it is part of being White I guess. Even compared to a tanned White person, I am ghostly pale.

I do not tan, I burn or get freckles. Neither of those is a good thing.

I have blue eyes, though I wear glasses and that takes away from their appeal. I wear attractive glasses and I feel I look strange without them. I have worn glasses since I was 12.

Anderson Cooper asked on Twitter, what age would you like to go back to?

I said 5 if only because it was 1980. Before all the bs. I was super-cute as a kid. I had red hair and blue eyes. My hair changed to brown over my adolecent years but part of it is still red. My hair now is a light brown color but often in daily life seems darker because I haven't washed it. I do that at night mostly.

I am 35 now. Anxiety and worry have caused stress lines and things like that. Stress hss permanently damaged my prostate gland and I must be very careful at choosing a girlfriend in the future.

I will become vegetarian soon. This is for health reasons and the fact that I am sickened by animal cruelty.

I may lose weight that way. I have gone hungry for much of 2011 and I have not lost weight. Constantly around 160 since I started taking Celexa. I started taking it at the end of 2008.

I am morbidly fascinated by the suicidal people that jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. I might have been among them had I lived in SF when I felt suicidal a year ago.

I no longer feel suicidal but my anxiety-depression is cyclical. It comes and goes.

I have no one to talk to. I miss that. I feel uncomfortable about meeting new people. Ask them in wm 407 about me. You will hear that I am loved and also reviled depending on who you ask.

Sorry to be personal. It is one more way of expressing how I feel. I will post a nice picture in recompense.

Pointless Anger

Sorry, I've been neglecting my blog. My cheapo dial-up internet is too slow and I lose patience with it. Bad, that is, I am a patient person normally.

I am growing to think that the Epoque Americaine is coming to a slow sad end. Is this the end time? Will the world end? NO! I worry that a devalued economy, political ideological bickering, and the crumbling of our infrastucture will spell the greatest challenge for this imperfect union.

I hate political ideology. Hello! For over 150 years, the USA did well enough on its on without globalization. But as people like me who lost a job to foreign outsourcing know, the pain of going somewhere like the Big Evil (walmart), the stupification of personal worth.

How can I still be upset? I've spent 4 years there. I have been on a medically-approved leave of absence, stress got to me, you know.

I can't help but feel bad for nobility in Europe murdered by 'revolutionaries'. I hope they look down on Europe today and know the mistake of those peasants gave rise to things like Nazism and the Evil Empire. The dissolution of the Soviet Union in 1991 is something I will never forget. I don't know when it was acceptable to think of Russia as a friend. Perhaps it's not.

Representative democracy? Pericles would laugh.

I wish I was born 100 years before I was, often. Life was not so upsetting then.

I'll update this more, perhaps be sweeter. I have a sweet heart, you know.