Admission

I have no girlfriend. This is largely because of my agoraphobia. I don't go anywhere. My life experience has taught me that it isn't that hard to befriend a girl. I have friends still back from the days when I could still go out in public. It has never been easy.

Now I turn 38 in less than a month. I am very unsure if I will ever have a child. It is too late. Too late in my life to be a father. I couldn't be a father, I just can't deal. It is why I don't mind using protection in sex.

Sex, the last time was in December of 2009. Could it happen again? Yes. I don't have the constant anxiety-grind I did when I was at wm. I have constant prostate pain but there is a powerful need sometimes, not all the time.

I have gotten so used to self-gratification, it becomes the only way to sate this need. Dr. H, the urologist said it was necessary for prostate health. So, okay. I don't actually doing it, it hurts afterward. And because I shave my parts, the skin is sorta sensitive.

I just want some love. It's not so hard. I am a sweet guy. I have empathy and I care.

If I am alone in my elder life, I could just give up and hang myself. I feel worse when alone.

However, no one cares. People read this and their apathy becomes apparent, just visiting to see things and opinions of mine. No comments in the history of this blog, save for one about the ruin of my car.

Is it so hard to love me?

Some Thought

You know, I could post a picture of my maleness but Google might not like that. It only goes to show you that prudishness pervades our culture still.

I am not ashamed of what I have. I can satisfy any female. However, as I get older and have the problems with things further upstream from the visible parts, it will get all but impossible to have a normal sexual experience for me. It hurts when I am locked in excite mode too long. This is because of the pressure it puts on my prostate gland. That freaking hurts.

I am not pervy. I like to show off. I'd do it outside if I did not live in a poser-conservative area. I say that because no one is really conservative. They hide their true beliefs. Go with the flow.

KMA to them. I am a centrist. I am loyal to the Democratic Party. I don't vote, wtf bother when it doesn't really count? The election of Dubya the first time all but destroyed my faith in that system.

Oh, would I post such a picture? Yes, I have many good ones to post. I did before last year and got positive remarks.

I won't lie, I like to be naked except when it is cold. Then I am very un-naked. Can't take cold at all.

I often think that if I went to California, I'd try for a porn shoot. Probably wouldn't be accepted, being small, pale, and somewhat hairy. I don't know, I've seen worse, much worse than me.

I came to the understanding that sex is animal behavior and an act of trust, never one of love.

Maybe you disagree but think from a female perspective. She has the heavier investment in a sexual encounter, it is a foreign object entering her body, no matter how it feels.

Anyway, it will likely be a non-issue since that I am quite unlikely to be blessed with a loving girlfriend any time soon.

I wish I could leave here but that is not possible, not without money. The only other way out is forever and I try not to think of that.

If you want to reach me, it's not hard.