New Angel

 My mom has passed away. Someone who has been there all my life. Now she is gone and her rest is deserved after all the pain she had been through, physically and emotionally. My dad was gone and her best friend was gone and then her back had many problems. 

She would not want me to break down. She would say it is okay but it's not.

I knew this was a potential. I knew she had been sick. 

Now it's just me and my sister and we have a rocky relationship. 

I do not know what I will do. The suicidal thoughts will return when the shock fades. 

I do not know if I can deal with her service. 

I will be here. I have to do laundry but not hers. Not anymore. I could break down. 

I need help. I cannot deal with this. I can barely write. She is with my dad again. 

She earned her angel's halo. 

Bad Year

What happened? First, my father died in Feburary at age 59. Then a few days ago, my mom's best friend died at age 59. 

What does 59 mean? I am exactly 20 years from that age. 

We moved after 15 years out there. Some things had to be left behind. I live in apartment in my hometown now. 

I do not know what is happening. I don't feel good. My male pain is raging and I have been drinking too much tea because the water here tastes awful. I like Red Diamond tea, though I know it may not be good for me. 

I wish I had the courage to overcome my anxiety and find a girlfriend. I do not, though and life is hard because of that, I believe. 

I don't know, things are calm now. I have been getting more sun but I am afraid of getting melanoma because of my freckled pale skin. Also, getting some color (ha, compared to a dark skinned person, I am still white as a cloud) has exposed the cooking scars on my right hand. Boiling water mainly.  I am more careful now. 

I am not happy with the white wall background available here to take a selfie picture. I will do this outside when it isn't sunlight on full blast. 

I haven't been updating this blog like I used to. Been too discomforted to write much. I am back to it now so I will be here. 

Severe Grief

My dad's funeral was today. I made it most of the way through before breaking down during the prayer. When it was over, I went to the casket and said 'Goodbye, Daddy', and just broke down. I don't know why I am hurting so bad.

My dad was paralyzed, had a stroke that made him that way 17 years ago. It was only a matter of time before it happened again.

It did in his sleep on the morning of Feb 3rd.

I don't know what really happened. He had blood pressure issues and felt bad the night before. No sign he would leave us in the night or morning. I am positive he did not intend to go.

Now that he is gone, a constant in my life gone. I  wont get the verbal abuse anymore, that won't be missed but the wit, the experiences, the jokes, memories, everything he was.

You can't know the pain this causes me. I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I mean, come on, it's my father, not a child or wife, neither I have.

I can't think of him, I will cry.

I am 39 years old, a boy shouldn't cry. My cousin and my sister's friend both told me it was all right to. It is a sense of loss I was not prepared for but who is, really? I do not know if I will heal from this.

I have decided that it is time to close this blog. I can't be amused or light-hearted enough to write a memorable post.

I will leave this up for a while.

Grief

I was hopeful that my 39th year would be better. I mean, when we get past this accursed winter.

My father died on Tuesday morning. He was 59.

The grief is far stronger than I expected. See, I have expected this for the last 17 years, from when he had a debilitating stroke that paralyzed him. He lived with extreme pain ever since.

I do not know exactly what happened to him. I don't want to think it is his aneurysms, his original problem, but more than likely, that is the case.

This is a damaging blow to my family. The pain of loss is too intense, probably always will be.

I will shave tomorrow, lessen my resemblance to him as much as I can as not to cause my Aunts any pain because I look like him enough. It hurts me looking in a mirror.

Arthelius the Ghost has no offerings about death. He merely stands in sympathetic repose.

Any love you have would be appreciated in this difficult time.