Unlike Me

I have always worn pants. My legs are pasty white and somewhat hairy. Male legs. I have defined calves and strong thigh muscles. I like to run and am used to standing on my tiptoes because I am not a big guy. 

However, my male pain is getting worse and also, it gets so hot in here in the daytime. Not because it is hot outside, because of the Sun's heat. 

I am not particularly shy about my body. Other than my belly but that isn't so bad. 

I wear better underwear. Right now Terramar, but most often, MeUndies or C-IN2. I like my male parts secure, not loose. My testicles hurt if they are touched or squished like holding the legs together or in jeans. 

I wear Lee jeans only when I go somewhere. I wear sweat pants all other times but not this season. I will stick in a shirt and my underwear. I only wear briefs. Always have and always will. 

I had C-IN2 Core briefs on yesterday. I was asleep but awoke because I had to pee. I was excited and that hurts when my male parts are secured. 

This isn't sexual stimulation but a normal male process when he is sleeping. If you have a male companion, you can check to see if it happens to him. He isn't healthy if it doesn't. 

Sexual stimulation is a problem right now. The Zoloft I take makes it incredibly hard to finish. I get stimulated and cannot relieve it. Makes me super angry. 

I suppose that would be good if I had a girlfriend but I do not. 

I am not going outside unless I have to. That makes it hard to meet a new female friend. That is, if my anxiety feathers aren't ruffled by her attention. 

The Zoloft has helped blunt the panic reflex but seems to have strengthened my avoidance behavior. I was at the lavandiera a few days ago and when I was folding my pants, I felt a deep panic, which I do not understand. No one was around and I was busy. 

I feel mushy-brained because of the side-effects of my medicine. I get confused sometimes and the sex thing. Cannot concentrate. 

It is unlike me not to wear pants but it is getting to where it doesn't matter. So you can see more of me, so what? I am male, I have male parts. 

I wish I wasn't but that is well-established here. 

Hurting More

I am sorry if I haven't been updating my blog. I have not felt like it. I have a hard time writing anything. It is grief, still but I recently started taking Zoloft which has fucked my mind up badly. 

I can't have an orgasm, not easily, it causes aneorgasmia. This is bad for me because, yes, I still feel stimulation like normal, it is that this constant production of fluids and hormones has to be purged to keep it from building up, becoming a focus for an infection.

It has happened before. 

I have this strange feeling, I don't feel like myself. I am sharp mentally yet cannot write. I sleep erratically. I feel mealy-headed. 

I am hurting more in the prostate area. This is related to the aneorgasmia and possibly stress because I am upset that I can't write.

I get confused sometimes when normally, that has never happened. I have a hard time expressing myself. 

This medicine is eroding my mind, it feels. I will ask the doctor to ease off on it to see if the benefit it provides, soothing my hair-trigger panic reaction, outweighs this eroding it's doing to my mind. 

I did shave and took check pictures. I shaved face and body but I won't post any of them if no one asks. 

I want to talk about MeUndies again but now isn't the right time. 

I just feel not up to it. 

Not Forgotten

I haven't been posting because I haven't felt like it. There is a disconnect between my mind and expression likely caused by the new medicine I take for my anxiety disorder. That is pretty much when this started. 

I take my medicine overnight so I don't have the dizzy feeling it causes when it is strongest. 

I was not able to sleep since the death of my father but I can with the medicine. 

I will get back into the flow of things. I haven't forgotten this blog. 

I feel better but the absence is indelible on my soul. I will always miss my dad. 

It has been cold and this is getting old. This isnt the place for cold. I will talk about the weather later, my fingers are too cold for much more typing. 

Problem

I did shave today but I don't want to post the check picture. It was too cold to do it on my normal day yesterday. It was kind of cold today. Of course, this native Texan's idea of cold is anything lower than 70 degrees F.

I have a new anxiety medicine now, sertraline, and it is doing a good job. If you read the past of this blog, you know I used to take citalopram for a long time. Unlike it, sertraline does not make me super-sleepy.

It has all but disabled my sexual ability. It feels like it's not a big deal but I don't know.

I haven't had a bad panic attack since I started taking this new medicine. I will tell the doctor it is doing me good.

I have been able to sleep without panic waking me up like it was before.

This medicine has also all but swept away the grief I was feeling. I am able to remember my dad in a positive way.

I am constipated right now and that is never fun. Err, feel uncomfortable.