Aging

I will be 40 soon.

I feel a fear of the 40s because too many times, I have noticed in other peoples' lives, bad things happened in their 40s.

I cannot say that it will happen to me but given my chronic prostatitis that doesn't go away and the constant fear I feel, it might happen.

I already feel arthritic-like pain in my hands and knees and hips and ankles. My feet hurt on occasion.

My consumption of sugary drinks is causing ill effects. I can't drink the tap water, it tastes bad and has caused kidney problems in the past.

My DNA report said I am most supsceptible to gout arthritis. Then again, I have favorable odds of developing Type 2 Diabetes as well. The sugary drinks are only strengthening those odds. 

I remember what it was like to be a teenager. I was a teenager between 1988 and 95. Think of how the world changed then. I did not hurt, well, I developed a stomach ulcer when I was 19, but that was an early manifestation of the effects that anxiety had on me. 

I never could talk to a girl I liked. I couldn't go out, though I had a job then in a store. I was avoidant then.

I have been sick like that for a long time. Anxiety is hardwired in my soul. It was only drawn into the light by stress in my time at wm. 

Been sitting here for most of that time. Every day is the same in some ways. But it is Sunday that one feels reflective. Always seems to be that way.

I didn't have a computer until 2003. I have had one since, I have 3 of them now. My laptop was smashed, I have conflicting feelings about getting it fixed. 

I have a HP Stream 11, which isn't much good for anything other than writing, which, mainly is the purpose of having a computer for me. 

How has the computer changed my life? I used to write on paper. I used to listen to my cd player all the time. I am starting to listen to it again, though my main music thing is in this computer. 

My life has been just that, write, listen to music. I watch little tv. I used to abhor going outside and I still do to a degree, but I have a place to write that isn't too bad. 

My anxiety disorder and agoraphobia are as bad as ever. I wonder if they will beat my genetics in causing the decline. 

Decline, for the moment, I am still 39. Not even middle aged yet. 

It makes me extremely sad if I think about it so I don't.