Last Day of August

Wouldn't you know it? The last day of the month of Augustus is a fucking sunday.

I feel the usual malaise of sundays, more worse than normal. The next two days will be hungry days. It's always those days before my benefit comes.

This particular month has been total bs. I will have gone 32 days without money then. Months with 31 days, then I am normally paid on the 3rd but it was the 1st last time.

I feel so fucking worthless. I would like to be a ghost so the apathy of people would be a natural thing.

I feel guilty for using services, food, drinking the tea. It would be better if I wasn't here to use them.

This will get worse when I go to the store, I feel guilty for getting things, messing up a zoned isle. Getting in the way of the stockers. I know when I was a stocker, people in the way really got on my nerves.

Guilty for driving down the road. I could stay here and not bother anyone.

I feel guilty for having male genitals. They aren't being used for their intended purpose. Why have them? Would I not be better off dead so it will rot away?

But my carcass would occupy a space and take up a service that really should be better saved for someone else of value.

I feel this guilt when I get a haircut, buy something from a store, drive on the highway, I even feel it listening to the radio. I have discovered KCSN, I like that station. Unfortunately, it comes from Cal State Northridge in Southern California. Should a guy from and in Texas be listening to it. Was it meant for me?

Look at radio here, 80% country, 15% Mexican, and K-Love, Urban, and only 1, that's right, ONE rock station, which is a Clear Channel clone station.

Radio is the prime entertainment in my life. It has always been, it will always be.

I feel guilty for using their service. I am not 'cool' like that.

How many people you know where they feel bad for buying things? Going places?

I need a new Playstation 2. I cannot afford a new one. So someone with a used one for sale has to expend effort on my behalf to send one and the Post Office has to expend effort because it wont fit in the post box. All because I needed it to play games I can't on the ps3.

It is my fault. All that effort expended. I am a bad person for bothering people like this.

This summer was supposed to be when I learned to swim. I was supposed to go to the lake. I was supposed to meet a new girl.

None of it happened because I do not belong. I feel guilty going somewhere. Id feel guilty about using the Laundromat because our dryer is down and frankly, HE washers are better. I am going to have to if I want clean clothes.

So I have to get in the way, use machines that someone else could have used and be somewhere where I don't belong.

I feel guilty for not wearing MeUndies today. I mean it is hot and my male pain is worse than normal. I am wearing the Ex-Officio briefs instead. They do not hurt me. I will wear the CK kind later, they do not hurt me. It is my guilt for having several kinds because I feel comfortable.

Was this really necessary? Someone else could have benefitted from these things.

The bottom line is that I am worthless, more so on sunday.

Should you be happy that the month of Augustus is ending? It is another month older you are. Do I deserve the years given to me?

Stress Guilt

Okay, I did not go to our 20th Anniversary Class reunion. The organizer assures there will be more events in the future.

Really? I have become more progressively worse in my anxiety disorder as time goes by. I mean, in the time when those with whom I grew up were having fun, I took out the trash.

I violated the cardinal rule about taking out the trash. I got some on me, some gnarly things better left to your imagination. I mean, not something strange to me, I used to take out the trash at the store. At least there were no bees like in the supermarket in which I worked, now, so long ago.

I took a shower. My icky pale skin looks different in the daylight. I don't like it.

I have been feeling guilty because I did not go. They wanted me to. How strange that someone actually wants to see me. That is contrary to how my life has been for the last 5 years.

I could not go, I don't want to be liable for the gas required to drive clear across the county.

My debit card is broken anyway. How would I pay for it? I am sooo mad at myself for forgetting it. Poor thing, all melted like that. No telling when I will get a new one, stuck in 'mail pan', what ever that means.

I listened to my mp3 player for a while. I do when doing something unpleasant like taking out the trash. I used to be able to carry it down the hill. Now I use the truck.

I don't know, I did want to go. I would like to see some people but there would be spouses there and people I do not know or haven't ever met? No thank you.

I wonder if this will happen again. An invitation. I intend to use my medicare and see if a different medicine can help me. Doctors.... like a trained monkey. Why can't they figure it out?

The stress caused by this reunion affected me perhaps too much. I have been unsettled for days. It's not clear what I can do about it.

I apologize for the trouble this has caused. I have to avoid stress, I mean, I could talk about my final days at wm. Stress like that made me want to kill myself.

I didn't, obviously. Now, that things have gotten worse, could I avoid that again?

I don't think so.

Being a real ghost simply doesn't appeal to me.