Life Now

I moved to a better place last December. I do not exactly feel comfortable here but it is eons better than where I was. 

At least I don't have to bathe outside with a water hose now. 

How did that change me? I lost my inhibition to nudity. I learned that if I spend any more time in the sun, I will get skin cancer. I gained many new freckles then. 

I can go to the store but not alone. I feel terrible anxiety when alone, I forget things and walk fast and have panic sweat. 

This has made my male pain worse, like before when I worked at wm. It isn't stress like I felt then, it is stress because of my panic reaction. 

People cause my anxiety reaction. But not always. I went to see Alien Covenant two days ago. I had a severe panic reaction for much of the movie. When it was done, I was shaking so bad, I had to sit down. 

Before the movie, I had to pee. I am pee shy. Normally I don't like going into a public bathroom but I did because it hurts if I hold it and so, there wasn't anyone in there. I was able to go. 

I do not know if I can go to the movies now. I normally avoid horror movies. However, Prometheus left a bunch of uncomfortable questions. 

I can talk to people. But not other guys. They seem to affect my anxiety worse. Stupid fuckers who are only male because of a mutated chromosome. 

Living in proximity to other people adds a new dimension to my anxiety but I avoid most of them. 

I could go on and on about things. But no. I do want to say, though I have terrible anxiety, I don't feel hopeless.

That may change if my benefit is threatened by un-American bastards only interested in coddling the wealthy. 

'Lucy'

I went to the theater yesterday. The first time I have been in 5 years. It is a smaller theater in a town I am familiar with. It was an afternoon matinee and there were only a handful of people there, none seated within 20 feet of me.

This enables me to go see movies. I cannot deal with crowds at all. I felt panicky but gave myself over to concentrating on watching the movie.

I went and saw 'Lucy'. I ordinarily don't go see movies, I mean, I have Starz and HBO, but I like Luc Besson's films and I like it when a female protag is in a movie like that.

It had a lot of animal imagery, then an unlikely ending. I won't give anything away other than it was pretty violent. Gunplay wise.

What if we could control time? Where would you go? If it was like Lucy could, I would go back to see Akhenaten and find out the truth from back then. Too many questions and I told you about questions and the dark place.

Oh, MeUndies has come up with a good design of the month for a change. Solid color briefs are fine most of the time but a pattern is all right sometimes.

It will be a year in September since I have subscribed to their plan, a pair of briefs, mostly S but their size chart has my size (31) as M. Both fit reasonably.

I could post a picture of me in them but gosh, do you want to see it?

I am wearing my red ones now, color matching with my red shirt.

About 'Lucy', I wonder how many people realized that it was Lucy the Australopithecine, not an ape in some scenes. The prehistoric Lucy, who is now just a fragmentary group of fossilized bones, was of a species that was either ancestral or concurrent with ancestors to our species. I have always believed that they were ancestral. Too much like us. Or we are like them. Australopithecines lived millions of years ago.

We peculiar humans have only been around for 100k years or so. A blip in geologic time.

Human evolution has always been an interest of mine. I have a book, 'From Lucy to Language' which strengthened my belief in it.

Why are we different? Questions. No more questions for today.

I liked the movie a lot. I'll get the Blu-ray when it comes out.