I'm Still Here

It's been a while since I've posted. I have had no net access. I have this rare chance to post so I am taking it.

Things have been sad. I have never been hungry in my life and yet over the last six months, I have had far less to eat than normal. This is because there is no money here. I have no job and I can't trust that my Anxiety Disorder won't act up if I go for a new job. I need to talk with the doctor but cost is the issue.

I check messages on a cell phone that isn't mine. Mine is a prepay Go Phone but I have no minutes. I have had a Go Phone since the year 2000, but like 3 different phones from it. I now have an LG smart phone. It is great but took some getting used to. I have a love-hate relationship with AT&T.

My prostatic pain has intensified. I hurt badly when I pee, and even worse when I do the other. This is because the colon/rectum is literally right next to the prostate gland in a male. Again, I can't go to the urology doctor, the cost, and I have no car to get to Temple, which is some distance away from the rural wasteland. I don't like driving that far. I sort of sit on the prostate in a soft seat like a car seat. Lord forbid if I have to pee and have to hold it. The more I hold, the worse it hurts getting it out. It is reminiscent of the first time I had to pee after the uro-scope, that fiber-optic medical tool put through my peeny and into my bladder. Did it hurt? Yes, but a nurse injected a sedative in my peeny and I did not feel it until it was well into my urinary tract. Even then, 2 years after the fact, I cringe when I remember that pain. The pain is similar to what I feel now when I pee.

Why am I mentioning this? This is what I deal with on a daily basis. I am uncomfortable in jeans now. I wear sweatpants most of the time, which I used to never do.

I have not felt suicidal thankfully. I am writing more now and have written a dozen stories since I last posted here.

I am fed up with my FB friends. Simple minded twits. Mind that all but 2 of them were my classmates from our hometown. I am on Spore, ( arthelius-ghost ) and little else anymore.

I take Celexa still. I wonder if I could live without it. I doubt that. I still have panic attacks in certain situations. I do not leave the house normally. When I go outside, I am not bothered. I have lived here for 12 years. When I go somewhere, it is usually to familiar places. Even then, I am uncomfortable in a walmart, which was where my mental illness began.

I have not set foot in wm 407 since April 26th of 2010 and ain't likely to even after the end of time.

I hope to go to a wm closer to my house, like in my hometown.

I am still here, don't worry about me. I will post more as opportunity allows.