No Love

Being inundated with commercials on tv about love being that St. Valentine's Day is nigh. How do you think that makes me feel?

Go back into the archive of my blog and you'll see when Jen was my girlfriend. It ended abruptly about this time of year in 2009. For a girl to say a video game means more to her than I did. I, ME, I terminated our relationship. How disrespectful and cruel can that be?!

I will never forgive her for that.

She wants to be my 'friend' still. No way, girl. I have never been hurt that way. I don't want to go through it again.

How has she affected my life? I hate green day with a passion because of her. I turn off the radio when they play. I reaffirmed my hatred of dogs because of her. Oh, just mentioning sex to her was a taboo subject. From a 30 year old female?!


I hate Warcraft because that was the game she said meant more than her. A fly by night plagiarized fantasy epic. Yes, it seems successful but it pales into comparison with Final Fantasy 7.

Sooner or later, Square-Enix will come along with something ultra awesome, they have before.

But this post is not about video games.

It is about the lonely life I have because of a girl. The Jen Effect.

Maybe I was not a good boyfriend. She never could understand why I have agoraphobia. She lacked empathy like that.

But understand, she was not a good girlfriend. She only called me when she wanted something. I took her home from work most nights. I never go to a public place to eat but I did for her. She made me go to movies I don't watch normally. She didn't like anything I do, Hard SF, Trance music, I liked Chill a lot then but it is not so appealing now. She hated it.

She considered the stories I write meaningless. Stupid girl, they are therapy for me.

It has been a long time now. I have not seen her in person since a few days before I left wm altogether. I don't want to ever see her again.

I am apprehensive about getting into another relationship. It just isn't worth tickling my anxiety feathers.

I won't write about Jen anymore. Some pain can be avoided. She doesn't use the web, or she didn't then. If she reads this, KMA Jen, demoness.

Could she be to blame for some of this agoraphobia? I think so. I used to be able to go somewhere, do stuff. I haven't been to the lake in 11 years. I haven't seen a movie in the theater since 'Avatar'. I used to go to Killeen all the time, only twice in the 5 years I have been away from wm.

It is hopeless and why I believe my life will end with suicide one day.

The Pain Jen Caused

You may or may not know that I had a girlfriend for two and a half years named Jennifer. 

Jen is small, cute, yellow haired. She has a friendly spirit and an immature streak. Just being with her was great, however, in that rather lengthy time for a casual relationship, she was nothing like a real girlfriend. 

She never called me unless she needed/wanted something. I would call her but it never seemed to get answered for whatever reason. 

Jen is one of those 'wait until marriage' girls. She is 30 now, likely still virginal but I have always suspected that she is not really like that given that she is from San Diego. Given what I know of California, it is socially unacceptable to be like that. 

She never let me touch her and gosh, I am not that kind of boy anyway. I never touch without permission. Kissing, err, she kissed me like she would kiss her brother. A peck.

I used to take her home from work, added 20 minutes to what had been a 35-minute trip home. I live 23 miles from the wm I worked in. I didn't mind. I mean, I like more time to listen to my music. 

Anyway, the bad things about Jen. An unhealthy affection for dogs. I hate dogs, never trust them, and the two I feed know who feeds them. They aren't mine, I do it for their owner who can't do it himself. 

Green Day, fuck Green Day. She loves them religiously. I refuse to listen to any Green Day song now, for it reminds me of her. 

Also, I do not know if she still plays Warcraft. I hope not. She was totally addicted to it. This really rankled my hide because I am an old Final Fantasy player, I saw things in warcraft that rip it and LOTR and other things off. Anyway, FF is descended from Dungeons & Dragons, but I digress.

One day, now closing on 3 Mays ago, Jen told me, that warcraft meant more to her than I did. I was shocked. I could not believe it. I told her if that was how things were, then it is over.

I have regretted that since that day. Maybe I should have been more caring and understanding. I mean, I know games fade after a while. I love FF9 and Chrono Cross is my favorite game and I get tired of it after a while. 

Unlike warcraft. I only had to pay for Chrono Cross once and it will always be there. 

Jen told me through text messaging that she is getting married. That cut a fresh wound in my heart, for you see, part of me still loves her. 

I am trying very hard to forget her. I have not seen her in nearly two years. 

She says that we will always be friends. Oh? Why doesn't she call? Send an e~mail? I do not go anywhere, I am not hard to find. 

No, that part of my life is shut down. No trust for a new gf. My next gf must be intellectual. That is a rare thing where I live. 

I won't talk about Jen anymore. I will forget her. 

It was because of her that I got involved with Malee, which cost me my job at wm. 

I should have never done that. I will forever regret it.