Abuse and Self-Hate

I don't admit this in person.

I live with my mom. This originally was because my dad had a debilitating stroke 15 years ago. He is paralyzed hemi-paliegically. My dad is bitter, angry, always has a bad attitude. You would be too if your left side didn't work. However, my dad projects his rage/pain in the form of verbal abuse to me and my mom. Calls my mom stupid, which really makes me angry.

He calls me 'queer' and makes insinuations that I am homosexual.

How can I be when I have misandry? I am attracted to females only. Ask Jen or Malee.

I have endured this for almost 10 years. It may be why I developed anxiety disorder in the first place. Do I have to kill myself to make it stop?

I'm no bullied teenager. I know there is rationality in things.

I hate myself only because I am male. I hate it! I hate being hairy, I hate shaving, I hate my prostate gland worse than anything. I hate competition. I hate being a disappointment. I hate living in a world where being a 'man' means drinking beer, going to ball games/bars/etc.., having an expectation of being something perhaps many 'men' are not.

My sexual affair with Malee taught me several lessons. The most important is that NEVER have sex with someone you do not love. I could not bring myself to love her though I did try. She was just too different, perhaps too young for me.

I see on tv, things like that, you know, virile man gets some, goes to parties, is 'cool'.

I sit here every day and think that this life isn't working out. What went wrong? It used to be so good. I used to be loved. Not anymore.

I am not hard to love. I care, I am sensitive, I even like to do stuff for people.

But I can't just go out even if I had a working car. I can't go to public places with a lot of people. I would have a panic attack within 5 minutes. Dealing with my anxiety disorder without medicine, without a doctor's help, is a preventative measure.

Panic attacks hurt. They cause the heart to beat fast and hard like a trance music beat. They cause sweating, sweating in places you wouldn't think you had sweat glands. Feel dizzy, feel hot inside, feel scared.

I cannot 'not' have a panic attack. It happens for any reason, any time, anywhere.

No, I avoid this, see, I don't leave the house. When I do, it is usually just to the store. But even going to Dollar General causes a panic attack. I usually go with my mom.

My mom will not always be here. I will be alone one day. I do not know if I can be alone. I am scared of the future. I focus on things like astronomy, my writing, music, I research the reasons why other people my age committed suicide.

With this verbal abuse cause me to cross that line?

This is why I sleep in the daytime. This is why I stay in my room, which isn't quite the garden spot. I will talk about my room another time.

I hurt when I wake up every day. This is because for whatever reason, my brain plays memories from a time when it was not so bad. Dreams of things like a loving girlfriend, being out and about, even being important. a

I am not important. I can't find any evidence that someone misses me. Or wants to talk. Or wants to see me. Maybe that it is better being forgotten, then I would not have to face the ordeal of leaving the house.

This is not healthy behavior!

On Sunday mornings at 6 am, the Fox plays its PSA's. One of these PSA's is Focus on Ft Hood. They talk about family stuff, events, care, all sorts of things as Ft Hood is like a massive city. None of it pertains to civilians.

This makes me feel bad for several reasons. I am not and have never been in the military. I recognized the fact that I'm not military material when I was a teenager. I like the military, have respect for Soldiers, I write about a military.

It bothers me because I have no kids, and things seem to pile on people like me who are single and childless. I am 36 now. Having a kid in the next 5-10 years would be a disservice to him/her because I do not see myself getting old.

You must consider the world we live in. One day, things are going to fall apart. Societally, in the Government, in the West, even. It has already started in Europe. Can you imagine riots like those in Athens in a major American city?

I don't know if I could live in a world that has fallen apart.

I must get a new job. Not only because I need the money, I need a reason to exist.

That is not as easy as it sounds. I live 7 miles from the nearest town. Where I live can barely be called an urban area. The wm I worked in was 26 miles away. I used to have a way to get there, but now I do not.

Oh, and then there's the anxiety disorder ordeal. I would have to start over again. I must get my medicine restored before even considering going out to find a new job. It costs $68 just to see the doctor. What the fuck? Where am I going to get that being unemployed? No one understands my anxiety disorder than the one who diagnosed it. I hope Obamacare puts the screws on doctors who put money before people.

No, it is not something I could easily do.

I hate not my life. I exist for a reason, which is not always clear, I hate being male, I would rather be an 'it'. That is not possible and I have to deal with what I am.

I am sick like that, sick in my soul.

If I am allowed an afterlife and I could see my family again., how could I possibly face them knowing what I have become? The antithesis of what my grandfathers were. Shame, hate, I wish I never was sometimes.

Well, that's how it is.

I will try to write some more, play Spore, maybe even watch a movie. Anything to distract away from a feeling that will go down the road to Hell. Suicide.

No, things happen, good things, sometimes. It has been a while for me.