Naughty Me

I will admit that I have a porn addiction. This is not because I am a freak or a pervert. This started when Dr. H, my urologist told me to either have sex more or m-thing more. I was with Jen when this happened and she would not even consider helping me that way. Some girlfriend she was.

I can't exactly tell you what it feels like to have chronic prostatitis. It hurts. It hurts like lump of pain centered exactly behind my scrotal area. 

I have written about this before. I posted an anatomical picture of the prostate gland in an earlier post last year. 

I hate my prostate gland. I hate it with a passion. I wish I could cut it out but that would cause fatal bleeding. It hurts me to pee. It hurts like the uroscope thing did when they stuck it in me and it burns, like acid and needles. This is just when I pee. It isn't so bad when I wake up for the day. The more I go, the more it hurts. This is why I do not drink enough water/tea whatever as I should. 

Oh, the other, that hurts worse. Force compression on my prostate as the colon expands and contracts as stuff moves through it. There are times it hurts so bad, I can barely breathe. 

Now I know you may not like reading personal stuff like this but this is Factor Two in my suicide plan. I will likely hurt more as I get older and have BPH which is normal for a guy as he gets older. My prostate is damaged, likely by stress, bacterial infection, or it just wants to hurt me.

To relieve stress pain, I take a painfully hot bath. I am used to this, I kinda like it when my pale white skin turns red. 

Oh, porn addiction. I like mainly female-only porn. I have severe misandry. I hate other guys. My favorite 'actresses' are Lela Star and Jana Cova. It would be massively cool if they did a film together. 

It is likely because of my porn addiction why I cannot finish in sex, or else that was Malee's fault. I was physically turned off by her the last time we were together. 

If I am allowed a future girlfriend, I hope that is not the case. 

I do not hide my Penthouse subscription though I am kinda disappointed in some of the more recent issues. I may let it expire when it is over in april.

I have several dvd's only ordered from Vivid. Michael Ninn's Fem Luminoso is my favorite.

How does it feel when I finish? The same burn, but an intensity that causes a shudder to pass through me. If I have viable s-cells, I have no idea. I will have this tested when next I see the urologist, when my health insurance is restored. 

Oh, I am not that shy in discussing this basic part of my masculinity. I wish I had been a girl, if I could change, I would. 

'Commitment Day' by James Alan Gardner dealt with that very thing. I asked him by e~mail years ago where he got the idea. He said it was an equality thing. Pity we can't do it in real life. 

The Culture novels of Iain M Banks show people who can do this very thing at will through nigh magical technology. It is not a big deal. The idea even creeps into my stories, though mainly through the errors of genetic tampering. 

I am not feminine, no. I like the same things other guys do. But do not believe for a second that I would not trade it all in. 

If I was the same person as a girl, I would have been very naughty. Given that I am naturally cute now, it would have been more so had I been female. 

No, femaleness isn't all sweetness and light all the time, I know. It can't be worse than the shame/pain/worthlessness that I feel as a guy. I will likely have severe prostate trouble as I ger older, and that scares me.

Maybe in the next life. I pray so. I will be female.

Until then, I will be what I am, and be cute at it.