Factors

I have talked about this on facebook and in other places.

I never write a suicide note. I have factors. These are the things that combine to crush my spirit and cause me extreme pain.

NOTE THIS: I do not feel suicidal right now. This can change like an ocean tide. That is the nature of my anxiety disorder. Overwhelming suddenly.

Factor One: My prostate pain. I cannot go a day without it hurting. It hurts me to go to the bathroom and if and when I get medical insurance again, I will have to undergo more violating tests to see if it is swollen, infected, or cancerous. If I develop prostate cancer, this will be the primary reason for suicide.

Factor Two: My anxiety disorder. I will never heal from this. It is hardwired into my soul. I will never live a normal life. I can't go out, I can't deal. I need my medicine restored as it was cut off when I lost my health insurance. Unless you have anxiety problems, how could you possibly understand?

Factor Three: The pain Jen caused. I am tormented by memories of her. I cannot hear a Green Day song and not think of her. Other things, too. She hurt me in a way that will never heal, broke my heart, then broke it again with her text message on my b-day last year. I will always feel love for her and I cannot help that. I wish to forget her. I can't be her friend now. I wish she would feel regret and at least apologize. As it is, I will likely never see her again. Not willingly.

Factor Four: The future, I have no money, no savings, no family of my own, no money. I live with my parents, who won't be around forever. I could not live on my own. I am too sensitive weak. Unmanlike.

No, I won't commit suicide now. I have stories to write, things to see, people to love.

I avoid things that make me sad. I don't go outside but to feed my dad's dogs. When I do go somewhere, it is usually with my mom.

I am 36 years old now. This is hardly the life I should have.

Shame.