Ouch

I was shaving and the Schick Hydro razor sliced into my skin. Damn it. I am SICK of shaving. I have to find a new razor. I need to have one that does not cut me so bad.

I did take a shave check picture but I am not posting it.

I don't know why humans need androgenic hair. It has no point in human society. Shaving it, face, body, pubic area, legs, has been done since the Ancient Egyptians.

I have to drag sharp pieces of metal or use a mechanical shimmying mini-saw blade to shave my androgenic hair. You cant use Bodygroom on your face. It would hurt and be too rough. But it's okay to shave one's scrotum with it. Okay....

Why do I do this? I hate it, I like smooth skin like that I had before I had androgenic hair. But as I get further from those days, it becomes nigh intolerable.

I don't have a female in my life to look good for. Until this happens, likely or not, I will do what I like. The more I think about it, I believe I suffer without a female in my life.

No, I know I suffer.

No Female Companionship

I have been thinking about this for several days.

I do not have a female companion. I have had 2 girlfriends in my life but a girlfriend isn't a companion. Someone who stays with you.

How has this affected me?

I learned cooking skills I ordinarily used to never use.
I am particular about doing my own laundry.
My room is a tetradisaster mess. This is because of a mental thing related to my anxiety disorder.

I am lonely. I do not know what will happen when I am older and alone.

I do not have a love. I do not have children. I do not have the ability to go outside unless I have to.

I used to like going outside. I miss the sunlight on my pasty skin.

I have not been to places familiar to me in years.

If I had a female companion, maybe I would take her somewhere. Not that I have been to many places.

I am willing to try, to suppress anxiety if I am with someone. That does help.

I have never had a real serious girlfriend. I thought it was Jen but no matter how alike we were, there was one glaring difference. I am mentally sick, she was not.

I am willing to try having a real serious girlfriend. Why do you like me? Am I 'cute'? Appearance should not be the foundation for a relationship.

No. I have moments when I feel un-cute.

I don't know. I wish it was easier than it is.

Troubles

You may not know, that on August 24, 2008, I attempted suicide. I used a pair of sharp scissors. I did not succeed because my sister interrupted me.

Why? Stress at wm mainly, it was a bad time for me then. August is when I took my vacations because it is my favorite time of the year. Good things happened to me in August's of the past.

But fast forward many years now. I do not have the stress I did at wm. instead, I have shame. Shame that I am childless at age 38, not because I can't physically, it is this fucking anxiety disorder.

If you don't have it, you can't understand it. It is like a constrictor snake around the soul. When provoked, it constricts. That is a pretty good analogy for what I feel.

When stressed, get away, stop it. Avoid. Can't do that if the stressor is work or somewhere away from home.

I watch a lot of tv. This isn't like all the time. I write stories most of the time and don't pay attention to a lot of it. I have been keeping up with this missing airplane and the potential for war in Russia.

I watch the usual shows, WWE, racing, Lockup, occasionally a movie, but other than the news, not much else.

I mention tv because we are inundated with happy images of parents and children. If this is the norm, does this make me abnormal? Is it possible even, to even hope that I can have a child?

Why can't I? Anxiety. In sex, it has happened in all the times I have done it. Anxiety that this awesome responsibility could happen. I am on Social Security. How could I provide for a child? Would a child not be a stressor for anxiety? Judging from my niece, yes.

Summer is a hard time for me. Not because people wear less and are generally better looking. But is a lonelier time for me. I generally write better stories when I am able to go out and see things. Meet new people, see my friends in reality, instead of FB.

Then there is a class reunion this summer. 20 years. It is so hard to believe that it has been 20 since that dark night in the football stadium. People cheered when I got my diploma. 

If I only had known then what I know now.

The world changed since then. Uncertainty became the norm.

Uncertainty is a stressor.

It is my intention to get a new bicycle for exercise purposes. I will wait until it is warm to ride it, which will be before I get it, actually. I will wear shorts.

Wearing shorts is a stressor. I have male legs, yes, I am hairy like a hobbit there. That is okay, I am a guy. What isn't okay is skin the color of milk in the sunlight.

I do not tan and frankly, skin that hasn't seen sunlight in decades, as I always wear pants, could be scorched. I don't want sunburns, I do not want to look old. When my peers have lined faces, wrinkles and a general worn look, I don't.

Aging is a huge stressor. Can't stop it. It is the entropy of time. Time has passed, 38 years. you know, in the old days, like up until 1800, this was as long as people lived.

There is a remote possibility, cannot rule it out, that I will get a new girlfriend this summer. Will she be a stressor? If she's anything like Jen, yes, but I don't believe that is like that. I mean, everybody is different.

No, a girlfriend is like a salve, a panacea to stressed feeling. This is a benefit better than any medicine and the side effects aren't always bad.

It isn't going to happen, pragmatism says. I am not social. I don't go anywhere. When I do go somewhere, it is like a trouble storm. Driving is a huge stressor. Then other people.... the main reason I have anxiety disorder?

Being small and hobbit-like, I am not that appealing. I am not that small. I am 64.5 inches tall.

I honestly think, if I ever get a place of my own, something that scares me, honestly, I would be more open to getting a new girlfriend.

Why bother? If life stresses me, why bother?

This summer is going to be tough.

I will talk later about losing 10 lbs, can't lose any more because I would be underweight then.

I have been fooled into thinking exercise would help eliminate body pain.

Body pain, that is a very big stressor.

Conundrum

I have a problem.


I am lonely, I have little human contact outside my immediate family. I mean, I am sick of seeing the same people all the time. 


However, I cannot go out and meet people or go see my friends. This has nothing to do with having no money or a car I can drive. Even if I did have money and a car to drive, my anxiety disorder would keep me here. I get nervous when around anyone. I get panicky just driving on the highway. That bites because I live by a highway and it the only way to get anywhere. 


My panic disorder causes me to drive fast if confronted with a panic inducing thing like another car too close or beside me. 


I invariably have a panic attack when I go somewhere. It comes unannounced, usually at an inconvenient moment. I get to where I can't breathe, my heart pounds, I sweat, even if it isn't hot (that was a problem when I worked at wm). 


I hope to meet new people, have new friends, possibly meet a new girlfriend but being unemployed and stricken with social anxiety, what girl would want me? It could be like Jen all over again and I haven't really gotten over her even if it has been over 2 years since I last saw her.


I don't know if I can deal with this double problem. I want to interact with others but I can't do so because of my social anxiety. 


I could say poor me and give up but that is a discredit to me as a human being.


I wish someone could help.

No Care for Guys

I am male as you probably have noticed. This has been apparent since before I was born. I was gestating 37 years ago in this moment.

However, the time after proved to be triply hard to deal with. 

1. I was the only male grandchild until I was 12. Expectation.

2. I have a voracious sex drive, managed with self-pleasure.

3. I have a condition that seems to affect females more. 

That condition is the debilitating effects of my Anxiety Disorder. I talk about agoraphobia a lot. That's tough enough on its on. What other effects has it caused?

It has stress damaged my prostate gland. It ALWAYS hurts me to pee, especially if I am properly hydrated, I have to pee at least 10 times a day. 

My heart, I worry about it. When I have a panic attack, it seems to go into overdrive and pound pound pound. Sometimes it seems to skip a beat. If it did, would I be dead? I worry about this as I get older. 

That's right, I am scared of getting older. When I don't shave, the facial hair I have is mostly gray now. My hair isn't but when will that happen? 

I have noticed in my life that if you have a problem and you are male, you don't seem to get as much attention. Males are supposed to be tough. I am not that tough, I mean, how weak is it when I cannot go outside?

I hate not being able to express my feelings. I cannot without seeming like I am whining. I don't whine. 

I hate competing with anyone. Why should everything be a competition? Maybe this is why I never played any sports other than tennis. 

I wonder if I could still play tennis. It has been a long time since I did. 

Then there is the matter of being lonely. I do not want a sex friend. Those come easy, I want a female companion. Someone at least a little like me. However, if they were anything like me, how would I meet them?

No, I don't like being a hairy beast. I shave my body hair yes. It always grows back so if an intimate companion liked that sort of thing, it could be easily reversed by not shaving. 

I don't like the fact that I can't wear purple without seeming to be funny that way. I am not funny that way, purple for me is the color of my emotional pain. I wear it when I am sad.

I am a guy, I am not supposed to have emotional pain.

Why have a penis if I don't use it for its intended purpose, yet cutting it off would cause fatal bleeding. No, I will keep it and maybe when I am older, yes,  cutely older, I would be lucky. I am unattached and have no children. 

I don't have expectations like that. Every day, I wake up feeling uncomfortable, checking to see if I can move. I flex my hands and feet. Then put on my glasses. I have moderate myopia. I cannot see without my glasses.  It is unwise to wear them when sleeping. They could get broken that way and that is a major disaster, the breaking of something vital like eyeglasses. 

I wish I could just alter like in the Culture stories of Iain M Banks. That is not possible now, but I hope not always. I can't be the only one who feels this way. 

No Love

I was going to write about Star Trek: Voyager but I will hold off on that.

I have been thinking for a long time about the music I have heard. I listen to music all the time, usually the radio.

When singers/songwriters sing of love, appeal, desire, care, and obsession, I wonder if it is just rhyming fluff or can this be how things actually are.

In my life experience, I have only received attraction, sex, friendship but no true love. I have begun to think that it an impossible thing to find in my life now.

I am sure that there is a girl my age or not far from it that needs love like I do. Meeting her would be impossible because I don't go anywhere.

Several years ago, E-Harmony said I was 'undatable'. That hurt and I lost faith in love.

I cannot change how I am, shy, anxious always, a practical shut-in.

I would only date a girl now who understood mental pain, who is an intellect, who likes Science Fiction, who is not more or less than 5 years of my age, 36. This sounds like a hard thing to find but I don't believe so. There just aren't any females like this where I live.

I may never find love in the remaining days/months/years of my life. I do know this, that I can't make it alone, and I will have the last say on how long I will live. It is a pragmatic decision.

I don't listen to songs that appeal to memories, love, or associations like Jen and green day.

This is bad because that is maybe 30% of music in my WMP library and maybe a larger proportion of my cd collection.

I am lonely, yes, but to welcome someone new into my life, it won't be easy. I will try though, should the blessed opportunity presents itself.