A Disturbing Realization.

*A Warning* This is personal.

I am 64.7 inches tall. For the first 30 years of my life, I weighed 120ish pounds. I am now closer to 160. I am not fat, I have weight gain because of Celexa and the fact that I am not very active.

When I was a young adult, I used to believe that I was a cute guy. Many girls said so. The cuteness remains on some days but I don't feel cute most of the time.

Could I have been a twink? Absolutely not. I may have been skinny and cute but I AM NOT attracted to other guys. The thought sickens me. I was raised in a community where that was not very acceptable and gosh, I have always been attracted to blondes and Asian girls.

But I am growing to wonder if that was how people saw me, why I lost my virginity at the age of 24 in Austin. With her, it was so great, so natural.

The only other female I have had sex with, Malee, it was like a nightmare. I cringe when I remember it. I won't descreibe it further in respect to her. It was a mistake I will regret for the rest of my days.

I am glad I am not so young looking now. If my appearance reflected how I feel emotionally, I would be melted bones. My facial hair is graying. I can only stand to shave once a week because it freaking hurts, but it could be that Hydro razor I use.

I mean, I have a Norelco Bodygroom electric razor that I use to shave my chest, abdomen, private area and my hiney with. That does not hurt. I do not shave my arm/leg hair, they aren't so bad.

My body's skin tone is as pale as white plastic. I am kinda self conscious about that but it is part of being White I guess. Even compared to a tanned White person, I am ghostly pale.

I do not tan, I burn or get freckles. Neither of those is a good thing.

I have blue eyes, though I wear glasses and that takes away from their appeal. I wear attractive glasses and I feel I look strange without them. I have worn glasses since I was 12.

Anderson Cooper asked on Twitter, what age would you like to go back to?

I said 5 if only because it was 1980. Before all the bs. I was super-cute as a kid. I had red hair and blue eyes. My hair changed to brown over my adolecent years but part of it is still red. My hair now is a light brown color but often in daily life seems darker because I haven't washed it. I do that at night mostly.

I am 35 now. Anxiety and worry have caused stress lines and things like that. Stress hss permanently damaged my prostate gland and I must be very careful at choosing a girlfriend in the future.

I will become vegetarian soon. This is for health reasons and the fact that I am sickened by animal cruelty.

I may lose weight that way. I have gone hungry for much of 2011 and I have not lost weight. Constantly around 160 since I started taking Celexa. I started taking it at the end of 2008.

I am morbidly fascinated by the suicidal people that jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. I might have been among them had I lived in SF when I felt suicidal a year ago.

I no longer feel suicidal but my anxiety-depression is cyclical. It comes and goes.

I have no one to talk to. I miss that. I feel uncomfortable about meeting new people. Ask them in wm 407 about me. You will hear that I am loved and also reviled depending on who you ask.

Sorry to be personal. It is one more way of expressing how I feel. I will post a nice picture in recompense.