Me

This is me. I took this picture with my LG smartphone. I was in the car, in Cove, sunny day and all that.

The point was to test my phone's camera. My phone was down for a while. It's all right now.

That being said, I feel that I look like a girl. I look down when in the shower and gasp, I'm not a girl! I worked at walmart from May '06 to June '10. In that time, I became so depressed, I planned to kill myself on August 23, 2008. Obviously I didn't because I'm still here. What stopped me?

I have stories to write. I was writing that day. I would have to Quick Search in Corel WP X5 to see which one and that is a pain in the tail.

I have used Corel WordPerfect 9, X3 and now X5. This has been since 2003, My stories before then are all handwritten in usually 3-subject spiral notebooks. I still have them and refer to them if a continuity issue comes up.

I am a loyal Corel customer.

WP has changed the way I write and has improved my prose and grammar. I have no problem with prose. I write like a flow, It comes and I don't insert myself into any scenes.

If I did not write, I would not have a healing thing to fall back on when I feel like taking the Yoshi Blade to a sensitive artery.

If I don't talk about it, how would anyone know how I feel? I could talk about it on FB but no one answers. Unless you have anxiety disorder, you cannot understand it or how it makes one feel.

Sometimes, I feel like there is no hope. Sometimes, I feel like I am a ghost. Sometimes, I cannot write because I feel so bad. In those times, I go outside or listen to music. It doesn't always help.

I have double dosed my Celexa when I felt like that and it makes me sleepy. I no longer can afford to do that. I take a nap when the serotonin builds up, you know, your stomach and entrails make it as they digest.

I have gone on the web and looked for notes from people in my condition who have killed themselves. I am scared because sometimes, I feel like that too.

I mean, really, who would care if I was gone outside my family? I would be buried hopefully near my ancestors and be forgotten.

I don't have children. I don't go to church, I don't go to parties, I don't go to bars or the club, I don't even like going out to eat. I did with Jen because I love her. I still do, 2 years after we broke up. I have not seen Jen for a whole year. Perhaps that is a good thing and it makes me sad when I see her.

I don't understand why people bandy their children about in photos on FB. Do they not know how that makes people like me feel?

I could have children, possibly, if my prostate behaved. Could I deal with the stress? Not a chance. I have always chosen to be careful.

It is highly likely that I will not have children and this part of my family will go extinct after my death. I am not worthy of my name, I feel. I am a discredit to my ancestors. My dad, not so much.

One of these days, I will have a depressive episode, they come and go, and have the nerve to do something that cannot be taken back. This is why I eschew guns. I would be dead now if I had one. The easiest way.

I could overdose my celexa but it takes more than my monthly dose to do that and it would not always work.

I envy other 35 year olds who are dead. This is not healthy behavior.

I post comments when I feel bad and maybe I don't now. Seeing that picture though, did you know that in my 4 years at wm, I was mistaken for a girl by customers more than a 100 times. That hurts, you know. There is nothing girl-like about me physically.

I do not know how long I can contiue to go on. Every day is like a different beginning. I need to go out but I am not comfortable out.

I remember a really long time ago, when I was a kid, Duran Duran was the coolest thing. I did not see the appeal then, it didn't strike me until I was in my late teens. I don't like to remember that far back, I am reminded of how things went wrong between then and now. It did not happen all at once. It just happened.

If I can get SS for my condition, I may move to an area where I could be treated.

People like roaches. I know about roaches. People are just like them.

One more thing I tolerate in this life. I tolerate a lot of things others wouldn't. To me, if I don't do it, who will? Just tune out the bad things, bugs, verbal abuse, lack of privacy, being in the rural wasteland.

Oh, and my car. I'll talk about it tomorrow. I will take a picture of it in the sunlight with our digital camera. You will wonder how it got that way.

One more thing just tuned out.

I once had sex in my car. WTF? That's Austin for ya.

I hope to get a Kia Rio or Spectra. I like those cars. I used to drive a Spectra, until it was repossessed last summer. One more thing to tune out.

I can't casually go anywhere. I have to depend on others to get my med from the pharmacy. I'm 35, you know.

Just tune out. I posted this pic to FB, depending on any comments, I may suffer damage to my distorted view of self-image.

Just reading this blog should tell you how I feel over time.

Not that anyone cares.

Why do you think my blog has that title? I feel like a ghost. I want to be one.