Trouble

I have prostatitis. It is a regular and possibly lifelong condition.

What is it?

The prostate gland is usually the size of a walnut or a bit bigger. It is directly beneath the male bladder and surrounds the urethra. It has back channels through which it tramsits prostatic fluid, a clear viscous, salty, sticky fluid. Prostatic fluid lubricates and protects the spertamtozoa in the semen. It is vital to reproduction but not much else.

My prostate is often swollen, maybe caused by stress events when I worked at wm, because that's when this all started.

What does it feel like?

Imagine needles and acid in your urinary tract. I hurt every time I pee. I have trouble sometimes. I hurt in a cyclical cycle. some days, it's not so bad, but some days, it feels like needles and acid, like now.

I lost my BCBS insurance when I left wm. I should never have done that. To get it back, I have to pay at least $140 a month, hard to do when one has no job.

Stack on this my anxiety disorder. I worry that the more I hurt, the more the temptaion to just cut my penis and testicles and the whole thing off. Unfortunately, that would be fatal as some major blood vessels go through all that.

So what? I have said before, there is no value in my life. Nobody cares. Especially not my doctors.

What do I do now? Hurt? I can't sleep when it hurts bad.

What did the urology doctor last say to me? 'Mastrubate more'. Hello, but it makes me hurt even worse to orgasm. I can't have sex for this reason. It freaking hurts.

What can I do? I wish I could just wish I was never born.

Ha ha, I have been researching male-to-female transsexual change. It is too late for me to do that. I have very male bones and body hair. I am not inclined to be what I am not.

If it was safe and easy, which it isn't, I would do it, if only to get rid of my male pain.

No one understands how bad I feel. I can't go to the doctor. I might as well take all my Celexa and sleep forever.