Sad Days

I have woken up in the past few days in a terribly sad mood. I am 35, childless, never had a true girlfriend. I never had trouble when I actually sought a girlfriend. The times I was offered sex, it was too easy.

I always thought I was never right to have children. I am not all that mature. I am approaching middle age yet my life hasn't really changed from my early 20's.

My Anxiety Disorder has tightened since leaving wm. I do not go out and when I do, I am shaken, trembly, sweating, sick feeling. It is not so bad because I am not forced to stay in one place for hours like in the wm.

I am having trouble peeing, which is no doubt related to my prostate. The state of my prostatitis is worsening because it comes and goes and unlike the last time it got bad, I do not have health insurance and the doctors won't help if I don't. Greedy bastards.

Every time I hurt there, which is almost every day, I wonder, even if I met a woman willing to be mine and wanted a kid, could I even finish. The dozen or so times I was with Malee, I never finished. Could be that it hurt, or I wasn't attracted to her, or even my anxiety clamped down like that iron door that fell on the Rancor in SW Ep. 6: ROJ.

I have no trouble finishing in the m-thing. My emission seems normal but who knows? It has never been studied for viability.

I am certain that I will not live past 40. I cannot stand these feelings, the separation from my friends, the lack of interest in things I am passionate about, like my writing and music, and the costant verbal abuse I get from my disabled father.

I will try to get a new job but it is likely going to lead back to the suicidal risk of depression I get when my anxiety tightens like a constrictor snake.

I wish someone would contact me. My ICQ# is 427645585.

I hate spammers and bots. If you are human, I don't mind.

I hope to feel better soon.

Another thing that worries me. I take Celexa's generic form, citalopram hydrobromide. I am supposed to take it twice daily but since last October, I only take one a day, usually before I sleep so I do not get panic attacks that keep me awake. That happens sometimes, has for a long time. It helps me stay calm here, but away from home, it doesn't help thanks to its halved dosage. I did that because I can't afford the $4 to get refills. Someone else gets it for me. How shameful is that?

Will I have to take citalopram for the rest of my life? What then, is the point in going on?

I need love. Love helps so much. Jen taught me that. It is like a panacea.

There is no love in my life now. It hurts, you know?