Difficult Thought

I have suicidal thoughts sometimes. I hate my genitals and have a perverse desire to have them removed. I do not know how deep into mental illness I will sink before help or killing myself solves the problem.

What is wrong?

Aside from posting a picture of my peena, which I will do if anyone asks, I can only describe my genitals as average but 'cute' as some have said. Why do I hate them? Normally, a guy isn't conscious of his. I am conscious of mine because of the nebulous pain I feel in my pelvic area because of chronic prostatitis. This intensifies when I pee or have the ever unpleasant cycle of constipation and dia-icky.

I hate being stimulated. This happens with touch or maybe some things I see. It is not as easy as it was when I was younger but gosh, I subscribe to Penthouse. Some of the girls.... not all of them, mind you, but some fit my ideal idea of feminine beauty.

I get stimulated when writing, as a sex scene comes up. I write like a soap opera is written, things happen.

This doesn't happen so much as I have been hurting more than usual lately. This is why I am wary of exercising, bending, stretching, that will hurt my prostate.

I hate the damned thing. I hate it all. If I am able to have the whole thing removed and can afford it. I will.

Would my mind change? Probably not. My mind is reactive. Self-image isn't what it should be.

What about other things?

Like other people. Other people don't give a fuck about me. This is true of others I know. Other people are like a great mass of naked apes that infest the earth. Wait... am I not one as well? Yes, but I am not out among the masses, that would definitely ruffle my anxiety feathers.

The last time I got my hair cut, the hair cutter said not one word to me. What kind of social behavior is that? It doesn't matter, I don't care. What I do care about is being considered.

Anxiety, I have social anxiety disorder. It is like a coiled snake when I am doing this here, sitting, typing on my laptop. But should somebody bother me, it strikes and I get upset. I mean fucking upset, I feel great discord. Like the water when a large rock is thrown into it.

The water is unstable and writhing as it is.

I write about this because it is how I feel. This cycle of self-hate, shame, and the hurt caused by other people spin like a washing machine's spin cycle. My soul is like what is stuck to the side of the drum like clothes are after the spin cycle.

Whatever analogy I use doesn't do the pain justice. It gets worse as I get older. A crisis point has to happen and what will happen when it does? I would go hang myself and end this pain.

Would you care if I did? Would you care that there was one less guy in the world. Everybody wants more girls. Fuck guys. I feel the same misandry they do.

I am mentally sick. Just read my blog from the beginning and see how it has gotten worse.

What did SS do? Throw money and medicare at the problem. I have no list of doctors appropriate to treat this anxiety disorder. My regular doctor only prescribes medicines that erode self-control and makes it harder to go to the bathroom.

Is medicine the answer? I do not know. There is a lot I don't know because I am here in my shell. If you see me at the store or whatever, feel lucky, there are very few times that I go out, like once a month.

How is this healthy behavior?
I wish I was really a ghost. They don't have feelings.