Not a Soldier

One of the things I feel the most shame for is that I never joined the military. I have lived near a significant military base all my life.

I am the only male member of my family not to serve.

I scored very well on aptitude tests for service in high school. They wanted me but I recognized that I am unfit back then.

I am too old to join now even if I could.

How am I unfit?

I have severe anxiety disorder.
I have terminal shyness.
I have a chronic illness in my prostate gland.
I am out of shape.

I don't like being yelled at. I like routine but not to the strictest sense of it.

I can't go outside without feeling some panic. I can test this with my peena. Probably would happen if I had to bathe in a communal setting. I am bigger than that by far but in anxiety, it shrinks to minimal size.

I am 1.6 meters tall. I am not a very big guy, kinda Hobbit like, actually.

I feel sick when in a strange area like someone else's house. This gets worse when in places I have never been before. I haven't ever been outside of Tx.

I just am not fit for service, I am not even fit for the definition of 'man'. I am male and that's that.

I write about a military. I did want to serve when I was younger. Now, I'm not a soldier.

I mean, my grandfather was a US Marine in World War II. He typified what I think of soldiers. Wise, strong, with a physical presence.

I am a ghost. Barely there.

It is shameful, yes. That kind of shame hurts.