Shame

How much do you know about me? If you read this blog, you know that I have some problems, some big ones.

The truth is that I never left home. I couldn't. Number one, I can't exactly deal if I have nowhere to hide from the things that cause me anxiety. Being my myself in an unfamiliar location would cause like a tetra-disaster panic attack.

Number 2, I never really made a lot of money. I am an old grocery stocker. I was content to do this but for one reason or another, it did not last more than 10 years (mainly because the store closed).

Number three, I worry about my mom a lot. Given the verbally abusiveness of my father, who would be here to keep the peace? Who would do the chores for them? They wouldn't. I do anything for my my mom, it seems only right.

However, I am 36 years old now. I am childless, never have been in a serious loving relationship. Sex is NOT love. It is BIOLOGY.

I have a sedate life. I write stories. I listen to music. I keep to myself because I don't like being a bother. I do like to talk to interested people but such things do not occur around here.

I don't want to cost money but I do, a lot of it. Why is this? Why should it cost money to live? What benefit would come if I did not live? This question loops in my mind occasionally.

I am not well. I have a debilitating condition. You don't know how bad anxiety order is until it is pushed to far. Things I do when it is pushed too far? I tremble, my heart pounds, I sweat. I cut myself. I cry. I am sorely tempted (when I have it) to overdose on my med. Go to sleep forever. I close in, become super avoidant. People mistake this for 'bitchiness' 'feminization' or 'weakness'. It is NOT. I don't want to be pushed over that edge. It is so easy to do, to fall into that trap.

This shame is strong enough to cause suicidal feelings on its own. I will never get better. I will always have anxiety issues, my prostate gland is stress-damaged, it will be sick in the future.

What future? Will it be any different from right now? This worries me a great deal.

Leaving home would be good, for them, though I doubt that, but not for me. I am a failure as a human male.

I wish I never was.

I won't sully my blog with things like this. If you want to know the real story, you can e~mail me.

I am an individual with a personal pain. I am not like you or anyone else. I will focus on something else, then wait until conditions are right (my dad takes a nap) to do some chores.

You may think this is uncool, that I am a loser. No, friend, you are a loser for not knowing the whole story before you pass judgment. I am going to need help to get better, to live on my own. I can't do this on my own.