Trouble Writing

I have written for most of my life. I write around a certain group of characters or interconnected plots. Like the story I am working on now, 'Kehla', is directly connected to three other stories, beginning with one of the main serial characters. That is how I write, connections. It is all one big story-world.

However, recently, I have had trouble with the will to write. I do not know what caused it, nor can I will that feeling away. I am getting it back, writing more every day.

However, the verbal abuse upsets me so bad, I cannot write. I cannot write when I am upset. I can't just calm down, I have a loop in my anxiety disorder's depressive stage, and it tightens when I am upset. I can't 'not' feel upset. I am too sensitive. Threatening me is one way to upset me.

I am not a bad person. I don't cause drama. I don't even go outside. What is the deal? I have faith that it won't always be this way. If I lose this faith, I could very well lose the will to live.

That is not talk. It is how I feel. I am afraid of getting older, and of the future. I know I will get sick either by prostate trouble or 2nd hand smoke, which has been around my whole life. Then whatever is written in my DNA, could be cancer, lupus, RA, anything my recent ancestors had.

Things have to change, I know this. I don't adapt to change well, so it isn't something to do lightly.

I do not know what went wrong in my life. I am trying hard not to feel suicidal but it is tough, you know.

I really wish I was a ghost like Arthelius. No one could hurt me then.