It is not as simple as a cut or broken bone. It is not like a headache or when one's back hurts. It hurts more, deeper and scars my soul.
I was born in a small town in Tx. I was loved when I was a child. I was the only male grandchild until my cousin was born in Dallas when I was 12. I had potential. I could win the heart of any girl. I was sweet, cute, smart. Ask anyone who knew me as a child, they saw this.
Then my grandparents started to die. My grandmothers in 1977 and 1987. My grandfathers in 1991 and 1992. Of course, like my grandfather WL (Bill) Thompson, he would be 94 this year. Who wants to be that old and infirm? I shudder at the thought of the master plumber and WWII Marine reduced to a pale shadow of the man he had been.
Then I turned out to be shy. Okay. A lot of people are shy but not like this.
Consider using a phone. Simple right? I have a very hard time answering a phone. I could do it at wm because I took Celexa which deadened my anxiety reflex somewhat. I would MUCH rather text message than talk. I have a very cheap and sorry AT&T plan that doesn't have many minutes because I don't talk on the phone. I'd rather write what I am going to say. It is easier and I can write well, a talent I cultivated.
Don't say that I don't have a talent for writing. You write thousands of short stories and then you can judge. This talent is very important. It keeps me from killing myself. I can sit down and write and pour emotion into it. I don't feel better, but I have a clarity afterwards. I will have thought of consequences, effects, the promise of Salvation, denied if I commit suicide.
I am not particularly religious. My beliefs are somewhat held with a certainty that the whole story cannot be told and some things we aren't meant to know. I believe most in Causality. This is not about my beliefs, other than how they keep me from hurting myself. How strong is this?
My faith in Salvation is powerful but pain can overwhelm this.
What is this pain?
I am constantly reminded by my memory that life was not meant to be this way. This comes in dreams, in things I remember. Certain movies and music can cause this memory pain. I do not watch movies except maybe one in a great while. I delete songs from my wmp playlist that cause a memory pain. I cannot look at a picture of Jen. I cannot watch all 6 Star Wars movies. ESB causes a powerful emotive pain. That is why I remember when I first saw it, years ago, when I was a kid.
How much a kid do I remain? Consider this. I live at home. I have no wife, no children, not even a friend with benefits. I do not know if I can get into another relationship. The pain is too great.
My work record contains 7 years (and counting) unemployment. I was unemployed between 2002 to 2006, and from 2010 to now. What happened between those years? WM did.
I left wm on April 24, 2010 and was self-terminated on the 1st of June of that year. I could not go back. I just couldn't. I would have killed myself because the pain is too much.
It goes back to shyness. I have always been shy. I have spent the lion's share of my adult life alone. I may live at home but I live a very private life. No one bothers me.
In that time alone, I developed something called Social Anxiety Disorder. A defining feature of this debilitating mental condition is the panic reflex. I have panic attacks out of the blue sometimes, but most of the time, something causes it, driving, going to the store or an unfamiliar place. This made it hard to be with Malee. Something she did not understand.
I avoid A LOT. I don't go to the movies, I don't go to the mall anymore. I would rather buy it at Amazon but even going to the Post Office is hard for me. I go after it has closed, when no one is there to check the PO Box but I haven't even done that in months.
I don't even go outside unless I have to. I have lived where I do for 13 years, it is familiar, yet I can't deal with being outside.
Along the way, mainly because of stuff that happened at wm, hateful coworkers, indifferent managers, one who was racist against white people. WTF? Then Jen is there. I could not see her in person, no, I couldn't. I would be reminded of how she broke my heart. The pain she caused scarred my soul.
I developed agoraphobia because of the lack of treatment for my Anxiety Disorder. I do not have health insurance being unemployed. I cannot go see the doctor so he cut off my anxiety med. What the fuck? Did he know this could happen?
Because of agoraphobia, I don't go outside. I would sit here for months at a time. I cannot do that and prepare for my elder life. I can't go deal. It has become too painful to deal with.
Feeling is magnified. You may get angry sometimes, I become enraged. You may feel sad, I feel like crying.
This feeling I fear would give me the nerve to kill myself. I try to avoid feelings. Being Straight Edge, I deal with it on my own. No drink or drugs.
Oh, and the stress this has caused is enormous. Aside from raised blood pressure, I have stress damage to my prostate gland. It will hurt for the rest of my life. It hurts to pee. It hurts when I have an erection. It hurts when I lay down. It especially hurts when I have to go potty. (Sorry, I can't say certain things).
What is a prostate gland? It is a walnut shaped gland surrounding the urethra at the base of the bladder. I know exactly where it is because of the pain and then the tests done to reckon that it is stress damaged. It will only get worse as I get older.
As I sit here, I can't feel it if I have to pee. It only comes when I get up and walk around. That is not good.
Aside from the physical pain, I have other things to deal with. I will talk about my bedroom another time. It is where I spend 99% of my time. You can see Hwy 190 out of my window, it is only a couple hundred feet away.
I am reminded that life outside is busy, purposeful. I have no purpose and I stay busy with writing and playing games like Spore that waste A LOT of time. That is the point of that, actually.
My memory reminds me that this was not supposed to happen. I should be successful with a wife and kid, Id only have one. As I get older, it becomes apparent that this is not going to happen.
What is the point of going on, then? I failed at the one biological duty of all life forms. Reproduce.
Not that the world needs another human being.
No, not in this life. Perhaps in the next, if I am lucky.
There are other things that bother me. The allergies, the fact that I go hungry sometimes. Ramen is not a meal. I do not care what you say. Oh, then there's the fact that I have myopia and can't see without my glasses. I live with people who smoke. What damage has that done that is not yet apparent?
Changing any part of my life would take money and Herculean effort. It will likely fail anyway.
My parents won't live forever. This worries me more than anything. I have never been on my own. I do not know if I could live on my own. WTF? I am 36 years old. How did this happen?
Life will be fragilely stable for some time yet. If I do not prepare now, I will fail.
How can I prepare being unemployed with a debilitating mental condition? This question is a constant worry of mine.
It would be easy to say fuck it all and kill myself. But that is not only is a disservice to my family, my friends, others, it endangers my very soul.
I will be here for some time yet. I can't say that it's a garden party but I will try to make it so.
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