An Admission

 Two years ago, my mom was in the hospital for bacterial pneumonia. She recovered. But was in the hospital for 42 days. 

In that time, the hope she would return helped me. 

Then she got sick with the same thing. I do not know the cause. I am not sick. I had a light case of pneumonia as a teenager after working in the rain. I know how tough it is. But it didn't cause death. With treatment, it doesn't always cause death. 

Instead my mom had congestive heart failure after they over-hydrated her. I do not know all the details but my sister does. She will have to handle this. I cannot.

I am falling apart mentally. I have anxiety all the time despite my medication. 

I have moments of extreme grief.

In January of 2015, my dad told me to always take care of her. 

I failed. My mom got sick and she's gone.

This hurts so much. 

I thought two years ago I would not be able to take it if my mom was gone. I was right. 

I always thought I would go when she did. Like Robert E Howard did when his mom died.

But I can't. I have Sala. I have my classmate Dwayne. Why cause them the feeling I have?

I will always have stories to write. I will always have my music. 

But they are not helping. Spore isn't helping. Nothing is. 

I don't know what I will do. I am facing bills that will take all my benefit to pay. What way is this to live?

 I don't want help. Well, not financially. I will need help with my mom's things.  

This pain will never go. Even if me and Sala have our own family. It depends on too much drama. But it has to be done. 

My mom told me that I would be okay. How? She knew I am mentally fucked up. 

I can't live by myself. My anxiety disorder will kill me. 

Not too soon. 

Another

My mom is in the hospital again. Unlike before, this is an existential thing.

I must say I have never been too far from her. She needs the help but also my mental stability. 

I never had a life of my own. I don't have a female love nor children. I don't really contribute to the Greater Good. 

So I have recurrent suicidal thinking. I won't do it yet. I have to believe my mom will get better.

I don't have stability. I try to do my normal things and it causes a lot of emotional pain  because my mom is not there. 

It is unseemly for a guy to cry. Fuck that patriarchal bs. I do cry. It hurts a lot. 

I know she will be gone one day. I do not know if I will survive that. 

I am here. I am not going to hurt myself but the feeling is there. I don't want to cause anyone pain like I feel. A lot of people know me but do not know this.

Then this war in Israel bothers me. That and water scarcity like we had when rthe single water feed pipe for the whole town ruptured. It's fixed but no one trusts the water. Then the lake is drying up because it's been so dry. You can count on one hand how many times it has rained here since the beginning of the year. 

That's going to continue. Humanity cannot be changed. So the Earth will change to wipe us out. Just think of next summer when it's 130 degrees outside. 

No other species deserves extinction more. 

Severe Fear

 Let me preface this by saying I have never left my mother. I am very close to her. I have always been. I do anything for her and I promised my dad I would take care of her. 

She got sick. She has pneumonia. Now on a ventilator. We are not allowed to go see her so I cannot know for a fact.

I talked to her on the phone yesterday. She sounded weak. 

This is a fear I have had for a long time. I have lost sleep at nights for the anxiety I have. 

The conditions of my life, the small benefit I get. I could not live on my own. I am scared of this extreme emotional pain. I might hang myself if I could manage it. 

I have always been too emotional. I believe I have a female soul. Does pain endanger it?

I could manage my dad passing away. He had a stroke. It was expected for 17 years. 

My family is going away. I will only have my sister left. My cousins. 

I am having a hard time writing this. I am scared. I have anxiety, I don't know how she is. 

If something happens to her, I do not know if I can manage it. 

I am 44 years old. I should be stronger than this but I am not. 

I will update this more often.