Why I Will End My Life

It's time for the truth to come out. 

Understand, I met a girl on FB called Kaitlyn. She is divorced, lives in CO and is involved in various schemes to get money.

She says she loves me, wants to have sex with me. But something feels wrong about this. We had a goal to match the withdrawal fee for 1.7 bitcoin. All had to be done to get it, so I gave all I had to make it happen and it has not in the short term. 

I will give it time, those things don't work in a timely fashion. 

So I have nothing again. She promises to help but will it come too late?

I consider how I will end my life, with my medications, with a knife or hanging. Or a combination of all three. 

I'm tired of walking everywhere, tired of the conditions here. Tired of being alone since my sister abandoned me. 

What is the point of my life? I turn 50 this year. I have no children. I have no family of my own. I have nothing. Not even food. 

That alone is most troubling. 

I won't leave without saying goodbye. 

It remains to be seen if this will be the case. 

 

Why I Have Food Insecurity

I have had recurring food insecurity for several months now. Why does this keep happening?

Literally, half my benefit goes to rent. My SS benefit is 1026, rent is 500. Like not enough to do anything.

Then last year I inherited my mom's car which wasn't paid for yet and they asked me if I wanted to keep it. I said no, I can't afford it. And so I have not a car since. I have to walk with a torn labrum in my right hip. 

Then maybe it doesn't matter but I am 49 soon. I should live better than this but I can't as long as this keeps happening. 

What is the alternative, ending my life? I still have stories to write and I do have a GF such as she is.

I guess I will starve. My sister cant help me until next Thursday, so that means three or four days with nothing to eat because I couldnt afford it. And I do not eat expensive things. 

I pray for colon cancer to end this. I always thought when my mom was gone, Id be too. Im still here. Why?