Improving

While I am subject to powerful grief, I remember how bad my mom's pain was and all the things she suffered in her life. Few could have survived what she did. 

But don't get me wrong. I recognize that I have a lot of years to go and if it isn't cut short by potential colon cancer. I will live to 2050 to see the so-called 'singularity'. 

I expect that elder care will improve by the time I am elderly in the 2040s. 

But I will always have gout and anxiety disorder. 

I matured some after my dad was gone. I may have matured more now. I am getting my personality back but I don't need my grief provoked. 

I will always miss my mom. 

I will be here if anyone wants to talk. I am not social but I do like to talk. I have a hard time on a video call. 

I don't like to talk on the phone. I never have. 

Fear Lesson

My mom is still in the hospital. The prognosis is good, I was told. 

So, that's almost a week that she has been away. In this time, I have felt very bad. Not only is it a bereft feeling. It borders on feeling useless. 

Ordinarily, I help my mom. I am busy but now its like it doesn't matter.

My mom suffered a reaction to a medicine she was taking. This pneumonia was part of that. I do not understand this but I am not a doctor.

She will return eventually. In  what state, I cannot say.

This time now. My elder life will be like this.

I just cannot deal with that. 

Life Now

I moved to a better place last December. I do not exactly feel comfortable here but it is eons better than where I was. 

At least I don't have to bathe outside with a water hose now. 

How did that change me? I lost my inhibition to nudity. I learned that if I spend any more time in the sun, I will get skin cancer. I gained many new freckles then. 

I can go to the store but not alone. I feel terrible anxiety when alone, I forget things and walk fast and have panic sweat. 

This has made my male pain worse, like before when I worked at wm. It isn't stress like I felt then, it is stress because of my panic reaction. 

People cause my anxiety reaction. But not always. I went to see Alien Covenant two days ago. I had a severe panic reaction for much of the movie. When it was done, I was shaking so bad, I had to sit down. 

Before the movie, I had to pee. I am pee shy. Normally I don't like going into a public bathroom but I did because it hurts if I hold it and so, there wasn't anyone in there. I was able to go. 

I do not know if I can go to the movies now. I normally avoid horror movies. However, Prometheus left a bunch of uncomfortable questions. 

I can talk to people. But not other guys. They seem to affect my anxiety worse. Stupid fuckers who are only male because of a mutated chromosome. 

Living in proximity to other people adds a new dimension to my anxiety but I avoid most of them. 

I could go on and on about things. But no. I do want to say, though I have terrible anxiety, I don't feel hopeless.

That may change if my benefit is threatened by un-American bastards only interested in coddling the wealthy. 

Cruel Summer

It has been a while, I know. I have had a rough summer becoming homeless in april and staying in a shelter until july and here I am now at my sister's horrible place not far from the rural wasteland in which I used to live.

We should have a home soon. Possibly a new used car since ours was repo'ed last year. It was on its last legs anyway, a back wheel was liable to disintegrate because of a brake issue. 

About my male pain, it is worse than ever. Though on some days, it hurts less than others. Masturbation helps though I cannot do it often because it hurts. 

I will post more about what happened later. I might talk about my penis too, maybe. 

Aging

I will be 40 soon.

I feel a fear of the 40s because too many times, I have noticed in other peoples' lives, bad things happened in their 40s.

I cannot say that it will happen to me but given my chronic prostatitis that doesn't go away and the constant fear I feel, it might happen.

I already feel arthritic-like pain in my hands and knees and hips and ankles. My feet hurt on occasion.

My consumption of sugary drinks is causing ill effects. I can't drink the tap water, it tastes bad and has caused kidney problems in the past.

My DNA report said I am most supsceptible to gout arthritis. Then again, I have favorable odds of developing Type 2 Diabetes as well. The sugary drinks are only strengthening those odds. 

I remember what it was like to be a teenager. I was a teenager between 1988 and 95. Think of how the world changed then. I did not hurt, well, I developed a stomach ulcer when I was 19, but that was an early manifestation of the effects that anxiety had on me. 

I never could talk to a girl I liked. I couldn't go out, though I had a job then in a store. I was avoidant then.

I have been sick like that for a long time. Anxiety is hardwired in my soul. It was only drawn into the light by stress in my time at wm. 

Been sitting here for most of that time. Every day is the same in some ways. But it is Sunday that one feels reflective. Always seems to be that way.

I didn't have a computer until 2003. I have had one since, I have 3 of them now. My laptop was smashed, I have conflicting feelings about getting it fixed. 

I have a HP Stream 11, which isn't much good for anything other than writing, which, mainly is the purpose of having a computer for me. 

How has the computer changed my life? I used to write on paper. I used to listen to my cd player all the time. I am starting to listen to it again, though my main music thing is in this computer. 

My life has been just that, write, listen to music. I watch little tv. I used to abhor going outside and I still do to a degree, but I have a place to write that isn't too bad. 

My anxiety disorder and agoraphobia are as bad as ever. I wonder if they will beat my genetics in causing the decline. 

Decline, for the moment, I am still 39. Not even middle aged yet. 

It makes me extremely sad if I think about it so I don't.

Bad Year

What happened? First, my father died in Feburary at age 59. Then a few days ago, my mom's best friend died at age 59. 

What does 59 mean? I am exactly 20 years from that age. 

We moved after 15 years out there. Some things had to be left behind. I live in apartment in my hometown now. 

I do not know what is happening. I don't feel good. My male pain is raging and I have been drinking too much tea because the water here tastes awful. I like Red Diamond tea, though I know it may not be good for me. 

I wish I had the courage to overcome my anxiety and find a girlfriend. I do not, though and life is hard because of that, I believe. 

I don't know, things are calm now. I have been getting more sun but I am afraid of getting melanoma because of my freckled pale skin. Also, getting some color (ha, compared to a dark skinned person, I am still white as a cloud) has exposed the cooking scars on my right hand. Boiling water mainly.  I am more careful now. 

I am not happy with the white wall background available here to take a selfie picture. I will do this outside when it isn't sunlight on full blast. 

I haven't been updating this blog like I used to. Been too discomforted to write much. I am back to it now so I will be here. 

Not Normal

In the long history of this blog, I have detailed things wrong with me. I am disabled by Anxiety Disorder that gets worse as I get older. It causes agoraphobia and panic disorder. I have it worse than anything.

The stress it causes caused damage to my prostate gland. Urology determined that my pain is caused by psychological stress.

This began at my time at walmart. Super stress. I left walmart because I was contemplating suicide because I could not deal. I asked my doctor what to do and I decided to quit because killing myself isn't worth that cesspit of greed.

I have occasionally felt suicidal since. The feeling doesn't come around that often. I do not like it and it causes trouble.

I do not feel it now. One of the main stressors in my life is gone. That is not to say I feel better. My anxiety is worse because of the loss.

People say, go see a specialist or a psychologist.

Really? Are you going to pay the bill? I cannot. I do not receive a potent benefit because I stopped working when I was 35.

Could I do it again? No. I can't go outside, let alone a place where my anxiety would be twanged like a bass string. Anxiety stressors cause pain, emotive and physical through stress.

I am not well mentally, probably not physically either since have an occasional chest pain, respiratory, not cardiac. I hope.

I am not a good boyfriend. I don't go anywhere. I avoid spontaneity, anything the proactively causes my anxiety.

Panic disorder is strong. I take 100 mg of Zoloft every day and still feel it to some degree.

I have come to not expect that I will ever get better. What's 'better'? I have always had panic disorder, even when I was a kid.

Trembling is not rare for me. I sweat even if it's not hot. I cannot pee if someone else is anywhere near me. My heart goes boom-boom-boom, raising my blood pressure. Given what happened to my father, that may not be a good thing.

My adult life has been one long lonely time when I sit here and write, when I can, and listen to music. I do go outside at night to look at the stars but if someone was out there, I come in right away.

I feel deep panic during thunderstorms. When the power fails. When I see a scorpion. Sunlight causes panic. Driving causes deep panic. I feel deep panic when a girl looks at me. How the fuck is that not bad? It is horrible.

My hands shake a lot. Panic does that.

I feel panic when I get angry, intensifying the feeling. I consciously resist feeling angry.

I feel hopeless mostly. Tolerate things I shouldn't

I am not well so do not say it is 'just nothing'

You know nothing about it. You can't if you do not have it as well.

I am not normal. I have a problem which likely is genetic. It seems common in my maternal DNA.

You don't want to upset me, do ya? Don't talk about my condition like it's nothing.

It is everything.

Ar-Ghost

I am Ar-Ghost, Arthelius-Ghost. Why? I thought that sounded cool, Roman sounding name. It came from a playful conversation between me and my ex-girlfriend, a long time ago now.

Who is Ar-Ghost? He is an aging white guy from Cen Tx. He is stricken with severe anxiety disorder and has strong agoraphobia.

Doesn't go outside if he doesn't have to. Doesn't go anywhere other than the store and to the lavandiera.

He feels self-conscious about his belly, his teeth. He has strong misandry, doesn't even like his own maleness.

He can get depressed. It has happened before. Got pretty dark there sometimes. But appeal brings it a new way to feel. Appeal could be anything. For Ar-Ghost, it's underwear. He has bought underwear from many places, seeing what's more comfortable.

He likes MeUndies. Anyone who has worn a pair would. He is wearing some now.

He is mulling buying a 5-pack though that is a pretty large hit to his budget.

He has urinary system problems and tends to have accidents. This has to do with his stress-damaged prostate gland. It always hurts to some degree.

Ar-Ghost has been sick for the last week with an upper respiratory infection. He is getting better after a thoroughly unpleasant time.

He tries not to feel anxiety, tunes out. Listened to Jimmy Somerville today. That's not an everyday thing. Ar-Ghost likes 80s music. He was a kid in the 80s and kinda missed some of it.

Ar-Ghost stayed up yesterday to watch a rocket launch that was scrubbed. He is not young anymore, he is three seasons away from 40.

Ar-Ghost fears his elder life.

But aside from writing about myself in the 3rd person, I will tell you this.

I am Gregory and I am still here.

Oh, Gosh

I am still sick. My throat is no longer sore unless I cough.

This does not excuse having beastly hair on my face. I am better than what I was in the last few posts. I no longer have a fever and the mucous is subsiding. I still cough some up but it is not as bad.

Why does this keep coming up? I am unused to being sick. I haven't been sick in a long time. I stay inside all the time and don't go anywhere.

I scrubbed my nose with proactiv as I said I would. I do not know if it made a difference.

I did have an accident. There are 2 overlapping scars on my upper lip. The older one was from when I was a kid and my mom's Chihuahua bit me. The other, which I cut, was from a can hitting me in the mouth as I took down a display in the old store I used to work in.

I hate multiple bladed razors. I do not know why I have one. I was using an old shaving cream as I ran out of the Aveeno kind.

I am running out of everything, deodorant, shampoo, orange juice, no cookies, it's stupid. There is a large interval typical of 31 day months between when my benefit comes.

I will be okay, I believe. I am getting better but I am having urinary issues related to my prostate gland problems. I don't like peeing on myself. It hurts when I don't do the m-thing for a while. I did not feel like it when I was sicker than I am now.

If this illness was caused by a bacterium, it could migrate down to the prostate and give me a bacterial infection, which hurts like a mf.

Anyway, this is a shave check post. I do not feel 100% so I am not as cute as I could be. I desperately need a haircut.

That spot on my lip is where I cut that canned vegetable can scar, it's blood.

Holiday (Not For Me)

The holiday season has depressed me for most of my adult life. It isn't simple, but nowadays, it is more about not having a family of my own.

You can't avoid knowing it is holiday season if you watch tv or listen to the radio. You can't avoid it if you go to the store.

I mean, thousands of years ago, my Celtic ancestors had their own reason for celebrating this time of year. I am not saying that is the right thing but this kind of change is what is hurtful the most.

The solstice is soon. Within weeks. Means nothing to us but it did to them. To us, it is the first day of winter, not that the weather pays any mind to that.

It is also the shortest day of the year.

I have not seen the sun in a few days. I may not like sunlight but feeling it for a short time helps me. A clear blue sky helps me.

Haven't seen that, just this useless moisture from the Gulf causing considerable cloudiness. Veils the stars too, which is more hurtful. Nothing I love more than the stars.

I have made it a considerable way into the holiday season and remain normal, except for that welfare check by the LCSO. I should have let them take me, if only to get help for anxiety and have this prostate problem looked at.

I don't want to spend money to just 'talk' to the doctor. I have medicare but why stress it to have a 'talk' and a possible embarrassing DRE? DRE is the main way to know, other than feeling, that the prostate gland is swollen, and I know mine is at present.

This holiday morass is not helping. I don't need to be reminded that I have lived 39 years and have had no children or a serious love.

I could not physically love like that with this pain at the moment.

The next holiday I will appreciate is Texas Independence Day, which is in March.

I WILL go to the lake some time next year. I WILL learn to swim and do the things I intended last year. No more bs. I will have to go to the doctor for a new anxiety med so I can do these things without having a panic attack.

You may think it is sad or stupid but really, is your life any different?

Contribution

As I get closer to 40, a little over 11 months away now, a realization crept up on me.

I know people say a childless person isn't a bad thing. I don't know. From an evolutionary standpoint, it is an awful thing.

I believe in evolution. Nothing you can say can dissuade it. If you disagree, I will loan you my copy of 'From Lucy to Language' and see for yourself.

It was the anniversary of finding Lucy the Australopithecus afarensis not too long ago by Johansen and his team. They found her handful of bones in the Afar Depression in Ethiopia, a feature of Africa's Great Rift Valley. I know the story because it fascinates me, always has.

Would we be here without Lucy's kind? Doubtful.

Something had to come before.

Fast forward a couple of million years to my life. What if I do not contribute? I failed at life's primary goal since sexual differentiation untold billions of years ago.

Why? I have always been too shy. I remain so to this day. I have written a lot about that so let's not retread the subject.

I have not had a girlfriend, if you could call her that, since 2008. 2 and a half years together and never once anything sexual. Not even more than a hug and peck on the lips. 2 and half years.

This bothers me years after the fact. What did I do wrong? No! It wasn't my fault. I am patient, that is one of my character flaws or virtues depending on how you look at it.

I always thought she would react somehow but she never did. In fact, the way she described it, she was frigid like a spring day on Pluto.

No, I said I wouldn't talk about her anymore. I am just describing how she treated me.

She is the past. I have to focus on the now. I have to do things, meet new people, be more available. I tire of being here all the time. Sooner or later, there will be a car I can use instead of depending on my sister's truck.

Last summer, I said I would learn to swim and do other things. I didn't do a damned thing that I planned to.

I have swim trunks now, Speedos, if that is allowed. Black.

I plan to lose the belly some time. Recover my strength that I had when I was a stocker. I was a stocker from the Monday after I graduated high school to 2010. There were some hiccups along the way but it was something I did well and I like being part of a team.

I have spent too much time alone out here. My best friend moved to Indiana a long time ago. I don't have any other close friend.

Some are angry with me for the welfare check the LCSO did. I will not do that anymore.

I want to contribute, find a new love, learn to swim, travel to California, and see the ocean again.

That is not so hard. I want to see the GG Bridge for myself. I will bring my camera anywhere I go. It has been something I have wanted to see ever since I was a little kid and my grandfather told me about it.

If I was to meet a new girlfriend, I seem to get along with Californians more than anyone, that might not be a bad thing. I don't have an expectation.

If I don't contribute and have a child by age 50, I will consider it a failure.

Some things have to change before I could do such a thing. I will probably be on disability from now on, it doesn't have to pay for expensive internet, only because it is out here, miles from a proper town, and the directv? You don't know about the details here. I have to pay it. $176.

$176 could help in other ways. I cannot 'not' do it and keep the peace.

I have to go to the eye doctor and if I need new glasses, doubtful but one never knows, I will have to have the money. So I will be conserving in January.

If I can get medication, I can go out and be places again. Not that I will ever be outgoing, that isn't how my personality is programmed, as it were.

Whether I can contribute, that's up to Fate or something else.

Better?

My new debit card has come. Timely as I have run out of my 'breakfast' items and have run out of oj. I drink oj because it is good for me but I get the kind with calcium and vitamin D in it because I can no longer digest milk too well.

I was told to get more vitamin D but I abhor sunlight, especially on a hot day like this with a UV factor of 50, it seems. I can see it out of the window. Scorchy.

It is so warm when I sleep. Got sweaty. I do not sleep well like this. I can't share why, but I assure you, this is nigh intolerable.

I feel better. Finally got a cd I ordered 13 days ago, of course, not everyone likes Morrissey.

Arthelius the Ghost has been traveling in the spectral lands with Marraka, who is a ghost now as well. They are a peculiar but loving couple. He sent a message saying: 'It's not all that bad.'

Really, he has a companion and I do not.

Childless . . .

Understand that most of the people I know are near my age (late 30s). This certainly is not welcome but the arrow of time marches on, unconcerned by human affairs.

Is aging entropy? I mean, you do break down. Bones weaken, joints swell, organs begin to malfunction. We are not meant to be static throughout how many years we get, it's never certain of how long we get.

I have written tons about my damaged prostate gland. It still works but it hurts ALL the time. Aging in a male means BPH. When it happens to me, with the underlying problems I have had for nearly 8 years now, I do not know what will happen. I am consigned to hurt there in the center of my pelvic area for the rest of my life.

I mention it here because this pain makes it extremely hard to have sex. This pain will kill excitement like throwing a switch.

That happened to me in the last experience I had. In the moment, stop. I was so embarrassed. How do you explain that it hurts too much to continue?

It could have been the female I was with, kinda repulsive. Felt so uncomfortable after. Ashamed. Ashamed because is it fornication? Is that the only way I can have a sexual experience? I won't commit adultery. Some things are just wrong.

Why is sex important? Aside from the at-the-moment benefits, it can lead to the generation of a new life.

Okay, let me say that I have never finished in sex. Anxiety will cause a causal loop and give me too much stamina.

But I can easy with the m-thing. So what is it?

I am on SS. I get so much a month, I am on a fixed income. The government recognizes that this anxiety disorder is a specter that ruins any chance for a 'normal' life.

I am 38, I have never had any kids. My sister did, I mean, her son is 18 now. Why didn't I?

I have been inside for most of my life. I write, I listen to music. I don't go outside like I used to.

Oh, sunlight, like a blazing sea, just everywhere. It feels so uncomfortable  to me.

I do want to make new friends. I do want a new girlfriend actually from Texas. It can't be that hard to find one.

But as long as I have anxiety disorder, it's never going to happen.

What prompted this?

Well, on facebook, my friends just flood the news feed with pictures of their kids. I know it is pride and showing off but it is extremely harmful to people like me who can't for whatever reason.

If I was to have a kid in the next two years, which cannot be ruled out because I intend to try to go out this summer, I wouldn't post pictures of them. Why? I would have pictures, tons of them, I like taking pictures. I just think others don't need to see every little thing.

Their pictures are harmful. Ruffle my anxiety feathers. It is unintentional cruelty.

Is it that Bad?

Lately, it seems, I have written about the hurts I have, mentally and physically. I have a bad toothache but let's not talk about that.

I don't feel that bad all the time. I mostly distract myself with other things like games or writing. I don't want to be conscious of my pain.

Can't tune it out completely but it's all right.

I really can't talk about much else. I don't go outside. I could go out and take a picture of the pretty bluebonnets but that involves crossing a very busy highway on foot.

It hasn't been sunny lately to take a good picture of them.

I don't know if you would like a picture of flowers but bluebonnets are the state flower of Tx. It is a feeling of pride to see them but a non-Texan probably wouldn't understand that.

I don't really know who reads my blog so I cannot say.

And this person looking at it on an I-phone, what would a picture look like on that thing?

I will post a picture of the bluebonnets the next sunny day we have.

38

Suppose for a moment that you were younger or older than me. I am 38. I was born in the middle of the 1970s and my childhood was a better time than the bs stupidity and frank misery the world has been since September 11th.

I don't like being 38. I am starting to show signs of age. It isn't so easy to sleep. I do not know why but it seems to be a decay of my body. This has nothing to do with my age. I mean, there are other 38 year olds in much better shape than me.

They have families, kids, jobs, etc... I have none of these.

I have been pretty much of a shut-in for the last 4 years, ever since leaving walmart.  I do go to the store but that's a necessity. I usually don't go alone.

Always at night because in the daytime, I cannot go outside and not have a panic attack.

How do other 38-year-olds compare to me? I am cuter, I don't get much sunlight exposure. I never drastically hurt myself like getting a broken bone. I have never needed a hospital stay. I always have thought that when I do, it is going to be very bad.

My hair is getting thinner. I do not think it will go away completely. Though baldness is common in males in the maternal side of my family, I have had my hair longer than they did when they were my age.

I get it cut short so that may seem like it is thin. I was told by an old man when I was a little boy that boys should never have long hair. I have always believed that and I never will have long hair.

I think that most of my life has been wasted because of my agoraphobia. I can't go out and do stuff, meet a new girlfriend, hell, I can't even go to Sonic, had a bad panic attack the last time I was there and I used to go there all the time.

I had a breathless panic attack when ordering tea at a familiar chicken place last summer. I could not talk. It was so embarrassing. When I paid for it, my hands were shaking so bad, also embarrassing.

My hands shake when I feel panic. It happens when I drive, go to the store. Worse when I go to the doctor and go to a certain city.

I can write about this because I think about it all the time. I am not like other 38-year-olds.

If you are the same age as me, please comment and say hi. I have never had a friend the same age as me, they are mostly older than me.

Intense P-Pain

I understand some readers of this blog aren't American. You probably don't know what medicare is. I have it, I pay too much for it. I don't know how to use it but it is some kind of health insurance.

I am having intense uro-genital pain from my recurrent prostatitis. Stress can cause it, diet can cause it, the urologist that used to help me before he moved to another hospital told me caffeine can cause it. I only use one teabag per gallon in my ice tea to lessen the caffeine trip.

Perversely, not doing the m-thing for a while can cause pain for a while. If it was wrong to do the m-thing, why then does it help alleviate some pain?

Can underwear cause it? I wear briefs, primarily C-IN2 and MeUndies. They don't cause pain because when I am naked, it hurts just the same.

I cannot get excited when it hurts so bad. In my last sexual experience in the winter of 09, this pain intensified and caused embarrassment to the max. I cannot go into detail and embarrass my ex-girlfriend. That's just wrong.

Also, going #2, I absolutely don't like to talk about this normal body process. Understand about male anatomy, the descending colon passes right by the prostate gland, the very reason a digital rectal exam is possible.

I do not like DRE's. I feel violated after every one but they are necessary because the prostate can kill your ass. It must be monitored.

When I have to go, which is infrequent when I do not eat right (happens toward the end of the month before I get paid again), the material passing through doesn't hurt. Pressure on the colon hurts. Clenching hurts. Your muscles contract when you go. You know this, this is the same for everybody.

But this contraction is what squeezes on my prostate and that is next to agony.

Aside from using a graphic of male anatomy and circling where it hurts for me, I don't know how else to describe it.

The pain is like burning, stinging, numbness, aching. It is constant and always. It just gets worse sometimes and goes back to 'normal' which is hurting less but still hurting.

I am going to have to use my medicare to go to the doctor and see if this prostate trouble is needing medicine again. It has before.

A hot bath helps. The m-thing helps. If it is too bad, Tylenol helps some. But one cannot avoid peeing, which hurts the worst.

This is a look into a private pain that all but controls my life. I share this because I want you to see that stress can hurt you. Stress caused damage to my prostate gland. Do not get stressed.

Troubles

You may not know, that on August 24, 2008, I attempted suicide. I used a pair of sharp scissors. I did not succeed because my sister interrupted me.

Why? Stress at wm mainly, it was a bad time for me then. August is when I took my vacations because it is my favorite time of the year. Good things happened to me in August's of the past.

But fast forward many years now. I do not have the stress I did at wm. instead, I have shame. Shame that I am childless at age 38, not because I can't physically, it is this fucking anxiety disorder.

If you don't have it, you can't understand it. It is like a constrictor snake around the soul. When provoked, it constricts. That is a pretty good analogy for what I feel.

When stressed, get away, stop it. Avoid. Can't do that if the stressor is work or somewhere away from home.

I watch a lot of tv. This isn't like all the time. I write stories most of the time and don't pay attention to a lot of it. I have been keeping up with this missing airplane and the potential for war in Russia.

I watch the usual shows, WWE, racing, Lockup, occasionally a movie, but other than the news, not much else.

I mention tv because we are inundated with happy images of parents and children. If this is the norm, does this make me abnormal? Is it possible even, to even hope that I can have a child?

Why can't I? Anxiety. In sex, it has happened in all the times I have done it. Anxiety that this awesome responsibility could happen. I am on Social Security. How could I provide for a child? Would a child not be a stressor for anxiety? Judging from my niece, yes.

Summer is a hard time for me. Not because people wear less and are generally better looking. But is a lonelier time for me. I generally write better stories when I am able to go out and see things. Meet new people, see my friends in reality, instead of FB.

Then there is a class reunion this summer. 20 years. It is so hard to believe that it has been 20 since that dark night in the football stadium. People cheered when I got my diploma. 

If I only had known then what I know now.

The world changed since then. Uncertainty became the norm.

Uncertainty is a stressor.

It is my intention to get a new bicycle for exercise purposes. I will wait until it is warm to ride it, which will be before I get it, actually. I will wear shorts.

Wearing shorts is a stressor. I have male legs, yes, I am hairy like a hobbit there. That is okay, I am a guy. What isn't okay is skin the color of milk in the sunlight.

I do not tan and frankly, skin that hasn't seen sunlight in decades, as I always wear pants, could be scorched. I don't want sunburns, I do not want to look old. When my peers have lined faces, wrinkles and a general worn look, I don't.

Aging is a huge stressor. Can't stop it. It is the entropy of time. Time has passed, 38 years. you know, in the old days, like up until 1800, this was as long as people lived.

There is a remote possibility, cannot rule it out, that I will get a new girlfriend this summer. Will she be a stressor? If she's anything like Jen, yes, but I don't believe that is like that. I mean, everybody is different.

No, a girlfriend is like a salve, a panacea to stressed feeling. This is a benefit better than any medicine and the side effects aren't always bad.

It isn't going to happen, pragmatism says. I am not social. I don't go anywhere. When I do go somewhere, it is like a trouble storm. Driving is a huge stressor. Then other people.... the main reason I have anxiety disorder?

Being small and hobbit-like, I am not that appealing. I am not that small. I am 64.5 inches tall.

I honestly think, if I ever get a place of my own, something that scares me, honestly, I would be more open to getting a new girlfriend.

Why bother? If life stresses me, why bother?

This summer is going to be tough.

I will talk later about losing 10 lbs, can't lose any more because I would be underweight then.

I have been fooled into thinking exercise would help eliminate body pain.

Body pain, that is a very big stressor.

Privacy

You may or may not know that I live with my parents. I always have, now that they are older, they need the help so it isn't something to make fun of.

I will talk about privacy. I generally have a lot of privacy. It is because I am a night person. I can go naked if I choose but do you want to see my peena? Didn't think so.

I have to undress to shave, I get all wet if I don't. I have a hard time shaving without a mess actually. I want to get it over with because it hurts. Like a searing friction burn, like sliding across a carpet on your face.

It may not look like that but it feels like that. I wish I didn't have facial/body hair. I hate it. As I get older, it should go away, escpecially if I have a Low T problem. I have been feeling icky lately because I have a Low Food problem at the moment.

Anyhow, here is the picture of my latest shave attempt. Note the color of my skin, or lack there of. I am a ghost after all.

Dia-Icky

Err... an uncomfortable subject. It happens to all of us. Many things cause it. In my case at the moment it is the over-chlorinated tap water used to make my tea and bathe in and whatever else.

I have a hard time spelling diarrhea. Had to do spellcheck to get that right, for an example.

I know it as dia-icky and it is icky. Try cleaning up from it.

This causes a pressure build in my colon that presses on my irritable prostate gland. Oh, fuck does that hurt. It feels like being stabbed there. My prostate gland is damaged, too sensitive and hurts all the time. Stress did that to it. I avoid stress in my life now but the damage is done.

I cannot hold it when it hits me, I HAVE TO GO. Not a problem since I spend most, if not all, of my time sitting here. The bathroom is just a few steps away.

Gut clenches, that HURTS. Muscles contract and squeeze on my prostate. How it got damaged in the first place. It hurts worse than it did when this began to be sure but it is a pain I have grown used to.

Dia-icky is dangerous because it lessens the hydration level of your body. I seem not to have a problem with that as I have to pee every 15 minutes or so.

I don't know if the over-chlorinated water is harming us in any other way. It is stupid, the water company.

Does this post bother you? Think of dia-icky the next time it happens to you. Maybe my word for it would amuse you in this unpleasant time.

Who are you?

Seriously, who are you? What are you looking for here? I am an agoraphobic male from Tx. I don't go outside. I don't go anywhere. I mean, the store last 3rd was the last time I went anywhere. I may not go anywhere until the next time I need to go to the store.

I am not that interesting. I write stories and listen to music. I don't have anything interesting to talk about, activity wise.

I am smart, sort of. I know a lot of things. Applicable? Maybe not.

I am getting older, yes but I am only 38. I am not like any other 38 year old. I don't have kids. I have not had a girlfriend in over five years.

I never left home. I have been agoraphobic for most of my adult life. It only became anxiety disorder in my 30s. it gets progressively worse every year and the medicine I take for it is too harsh for me.

Now I have trouble sleeping. I have slept on the same twin sized bed since I was a teenager.

I am not a big guy. I am 64.4 inches tall. Like a Hobbit compared to most guys.

Oh, other guys, I despise them. Misandry is part of my mental illness.

What do you want to know? Why are you here? Do you want a picture posted? I like taking pictures but going outside to take one.... not so easy for me.

I just don't understand why you are looking at my blog. What is it?

Are you afraid to comment? Why? It's there for a reason. I could easily disable comments on my blog but maybe someone will grow a spine and post a comment. I will get back to ya.

So, what's it going to be?