Contribution

As I get closer to 40, a little over 11 months away now, a realization crept up on me.

I know people say a childless person isn't a bad thing. I don't know. From an evolutionary standpoint, it is an awful thing.

I believe in evolution. Nothing you can say can dissuade it. If you disagree, I will loan you my copy of 'From Lucy to Language' and see for yourself.

It was the anniversary of finding Lucy the Australopithecus afarensis not too long ago by Johansen and his team. They found her handful of bones in the Afar Depression in Ethiopia, a feature of Africa's Great Rift Valley. I know the story because it fascinates me, always has.

Would we be here without Lucy's kind? Doubtful.

Something had to come before.

Fast forward a couple of million years to my life. What if I do not contribute? I failed at life's primary goal since sexual differentiation untold billions of years ago.

Why? I have always been too shy. I remain so to this day. I have written a lot about that so let's not retread the subject.

I have not had a girlfriend, if you could call her that, since 2008. 2 and a half years together and never once anything sexual. Not even more than a hug and peck on the lips. 2 and half years.

This bothers me years after the fact. What did I do wrong? No! It wasn't my fault. I am patient, that is one of my character flaws or virtues depending on how you look at it.

I always thought she would react somehow but she never did. In fact, the way she described it, she was frigid like a spring day on Pluto.

No, I said I wouldn't talk about her anymore. I am just describing how she treated me.

She is the past. I have to focus on the now. I have to do things, meet new people, be more available. I tire of being here all the time. Sooner or later, there will be a car I can use instead of depending on my sister's truck.

Last summer, I said I would learn to swim and do other things. I didn't do a damned thing that I planned to.

I have swim trunks now, Speedos, if that is allowed. Black.

I plan to lose the belly some time. Recover my strength that I had when I was a stocker. I was a stocker from the Monday after I graduated high school to 2010. There were some hiccups along the way but it was something I did well and I like being part of a team.

I have spent too much time alone out here. My best friend moved to Indiana a long time ago. I don't have any other close friend.

Some are angry with me for the welfare check the LCSO did. I will not do that anymore.

I want to contribute, find a new love, learn to swim, travel to California, and see the ocean again.

That is not so hard. I want to see the GG Bridge for myself. I will bring my camera anywhere I go. It has been something I have wanted to see ever since I was a little kid and my grandfather told me about it.

If I was to meet a new girlfriend, I seem to get along with Californians more than anyone, that might not be a bad thing. I don't have an expectation.

If I don't contribute and have a child by age 50, I will consider it a failure.

Some things have to change before I could do such a thing. I will probably be on disability from now on, it doesn't have to pay for expensive internet, only because it is out here, miles from a proper town, and the directv? You don't know about the details here. I have to pay it. $176.

$176 could help in other ways. I cannot 'not' do it and keep the peace.

I have to go to the eye doctor and if I need new glasses, doubtful but one never knows, I will have to have the money. So I will be conserving in January.

If I can get medication, I can go out and be places again. Not that I will ever be outgoing, that isn't how my personality is programmed, as it were.

Whether I can contribute, that's up to Fate or something else.