Not Normal

In the long history of this blog, I have detailed things wrong with me. I am disabled by Anxiety Disorder that gets worse as I get older. It causes agoraphobia and panic disorder. I have it worse than anything.

The stress it causes caused damage to my prostate gland. Urology determined that my pain is caused by psychological stress.

This began at my time at walmart. Super stress. I left walmart because I was contemplating suicide because I could not deal. I asked my doctor what to do and I decided to quit because killing myself isn't worth that cesspit of greed.

I have occasionally felt suicidal since. The feeling doesn't come around that often. I do not like it and it causes trouble.

I do not feel it now. One of the main stressors in my life is gone. That is not to say I feel better. My anxiety is worse because of the loss.

People say, go see a specialist or a psychologist.

Really? Are you going to pay the bill? I cannot. I do not receive a potent benefit because I stopped working when I was 35.

Could I do it again? No. I can't go outside, let alone a place where my anxiety would be twanged like a bass string. Anxiety stressors cause pain, emotive and physical through stress.

I am not well mentally, probably not physically either since have an occasional chest pain, respiratory, not cardiac. I hope.

I am not a good boyfriend. I don't go anywhere. I avoid spontaneity, anything the proactively causes my anxiety.

Panic disorder is strong. I take 100 mg of Zoloft every day and still feel it to some degree.

I have come to not expect that I will ever get better. What's 'better'? I have always had panic disorder, even when I was a kid.

Trembling is not rare for me. I sweat even if it's not hot. I cannot pee if someone else is anywhere near me. My heart goes boom-boom-boom, raising my blood pressure. Given what happened to my father, that may not be a good thing.

My adult life has been one long lonely time when I sit here and write, when I can, and listen to music. I do go outside at night to look at the stars but if someone was out there, I come in right away.

I feel deep panic during thunderstorms. When the power fails. When I see a scorpion. Sunlight causes panic. Driving causes deep panic. I feel deep panic when a girl looks at me. How the fuck is that not bad? It is horrible.

My hands shake a lot. Panic does that.

I feel panic when I get angry, intensifying the feeling. I consciously resist feeling angry.

I feel hopeless mostly. Tolerate things I shouldn't

I am not well so do not say it is 'just nothing'

You know nothing about it. You can't if you do not have it as well.

I am not normal. I have a problem which likely is genetic. It seems common in my maternal DNA.

You don't want to upset me, do ya? Don't talk about my condition like it's nothing.

It is everything.