Holiday (Not For Me)

The holiday season has depressed me for most of my adult life. It isn't simple, but nowadays, it is more about not having a family of my own.

You can't avoid knowing it is holiday season if you watch tv or listen to the radio. You can't avoid it if you go to the store.

I mean, thousands of years ago, my Celtic ancestors had their own reason for celebrating this time of year. I am not saying that is the right thing but this kind of change is what is hurtful the most.

The solstice is soon. Within weeks. Means nothing to us but it did to them. To us, it is the first day of winter, not that the weather pays any mind to that.

It is also the shortest day of the year.

I have not seen the sun in a few days. I may not like sunlight but feeling it for a short time helps me. A clear blue sky helps me.

Haven't seen that, just this useless moisture from the Gulf causing considerable cloudiness. Veils the stars too, which is more hurtful. Nothing I love more than the stars.

I have made it a considerable way into the holiday season and remain normal, except for that welfare check by the LCSO. I should have let them take me, if only to get help for anxiety and have this prostate problem looked at.

I don't want to spend money to just 'talk' to the doctor. I have medicare but why stress it to have a 'talk' and a possible embarrassing DRE? DRE is the main way to know, other than feeling, that the prostate gland is swollen, and I know mine is at present.

This holiday morass is not helping. I don't need to be reminded that I have lived 39 years and have had no children or a serious love.

I could not physically love like that with this pain at the moment.

The next holiday I will appreciate is Texas Independence Day, which is in March.

I WILL go to the lake some time next year. I WILL learn to swim and do the things I intended last year. No more bs. I will have to go to the doctor for a new anxiety med so I can do these things without having a panic attack.

You may think it is sad or stupid but really, is your life any different?