I'd like to go somewhere. The same old stagnates, if you know what I mean. But going to a big city would be like not only poking my anxiety, but whooping it with a stick.
I do not have a lot of money, being on SSI but I would save if I had a mind to. I need to deal with body issues first.
I have been thinking more about having my male parts removed but I would need better insurance for that. I hate them more than ever.
If just going somewhere rekindles my creativity, I could write better. That is the impetus for this. Of course, going somewhere for me is just going to the store.
I have a sad life. I don't go anywhere. Agoraphobia sees to that.
Would it be possible to meet a female friend? I'd like that despite the trouble anxiety would cause.
Showing posts with label agoraphobia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label agoraphobia. Show all posts
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Comment
I would never make fun of someone with a mental disorder. I have a big one of my own.
But I don't understand an eating disorder. See, in the months before I got SSI, I starved, I was so skinny, like in high school, though I have more of a muscle tone now. I got so freaking hungry. All I had was saltine crackers and the occasional egg noodles and that awful canned spaghetti sauce. Ew. You get used to it after a while.
But now, I am at 164, the sugar death I have mentioned before. It keeps going on and on. I HAVE to do something. I have to get back into some kind of shape. I mean, I have some cool underwear but the belly sort of ruins it, you know?
Hungry. Typically, I eat only once a day. I have gotten used to that so anything outside of that is seen as a 'bonus'.
I do not believe I am getting the vitamins I need. That diabetes test I had taken revealed a dangerous low amount of Vitamin D. Have I done anything about it? No. Because I keep forgetting.
Will it take a heart attack to remind me? I just don't know.
I am not hungry now. I see to it that I am not. I do not want to seem that is okay because it is not. I still eat only once a day.
So I don't know. This 10 or so days until June, this time in any month is rough. Until my benefit comes again.
Anxiety makes me forget. I don't like going to the store. Panic always happens. It has been like years since I have been to a book store, a movie, or went somewhere to eat.
Agoraphobia is the toughest part of my anxiety disorder. It won't let anything happen.
But I don't understand an eating disorder. See, in the months before I got SSI, I starved, I was so skinny, like in high school, though I have more of a muscle tone now. I got so freaking hungry. All I had was saltine crackers and the occasional egg noodles and that awful canned spaghetti sauce. Ew. You get used to it after a while.
But now, I am at 164, the sugar death I have mentioned before. It keeps going on and on. I HAVE to do something. I have to get back into some kind of shape. I mean, I have some cool underwear but the belly sort of ruins it, you know?
Hungry. Typically, I eat only once a day. I have gotten used to that so anything outside of that is seen as a 'bonus'.
I do not believe I am getting the vitamins I need. That diabetes test I had taken revealed a dangerous low amount of Vitamin D. Have I done anything about it? No. Because I keep forgetting.
Will it take a heart attack to remind me? I just don't know.
I am not hungry now. I see to it that I am not. I do not want to seem that is okay because it is not. I still eat only once a day.
So I don't know. This 10 or so days until June, this time in any month is rough. Until my benefit comes again.
Anxiety makes me forget. I don't like going to the store. Panic always happens. It has been like years since I have been to a book store, a movie, or went somewhere to eat.
Agoraphobia is the toughest part of my anxiety disorder. It won't let anything happen.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Sugar Death
I have an extremely strong sweet tooth. I don't like bitter things. I like ice tea with sugar in it. I don't drink so many sodas as I used to, something in cola hurts my prostate gland just as the urologists said it would.
This sugar consumption.... maybe why I have a belly. Would it bother you if I took a picture of me just in my underwear so you could see it?
I am self-conscious about my belly. It is why I am going to try to suppress my anxiety (Extremely hard to do) to join a gym.
If there was substitute to sugar that didn't cause dia-icky, and aspartame does that to me, I would use it.
I have been feeling bad physically. I do not sleep well. I am not as strong as I used to be.
My teeth, oh man, this sugar need is killing my teeth.
I went to a diabetes screening late last year, mentioned frequently in this blog back then. The result is that I do not have type 2 diabetes but I am terribly at risk for it.
I weigh around 158 lbs. and I am 5 feet, 5 inches tall. My BMI is a little high.
My life is a sedentary one. I write stories and listen to music most of the time. My anxiety disorder and agoraphobia makes it VERY difficult to even go outside. Sunlight causes a panic reaction. Is that even okay? No, it's not.
I have been having anxiety insomnia, which is not a new thing for me. I had it bad when I was younger, especially during thunderstorms, which I hate.
This sugar consumption ... I mean, I believe in Causality and this consumption will have effects.
I admit to that it is getting harder to get an erection but that may have to do with anxiety and pain. As a male, I am visually oriented and gosh, the recent issue of PH.... Female doesn't always mean beauty, you know what I mean?
Sugar. Got to have it.
This sugar consumption.... maybe why I have a belly. Would it bother you if I took a picture of me just in my underwear so you could see it?
I am self-conscious about my belly. It is why I am going to try to suppress my anxiety (Extremely hard to do) to join a gym.
If there was substitute to sugar that didn't cause dia-icky, and aspartame does that to me, I would use it.
I have been feeling bad physically. I do not sleep well. I am not as strong as I used to be.
My teeth, oh man, this sugar need is killing my teeth.
I went to a diabetes screening late last year, mentioned frequently in this blog back then. The result is that I do not have type 2 diabetes but I am terribly at risk for it.
I weigh around 158 lbs. and I am 5 feet, 5 inches tall. My BMI is a little high.
My life is a sedentary one. I write stories and listen to music most of the time. My anxiety disorder and agoraphobia makes it VERY difficult to even go outside. Sunlight causes a panic reaction. Is that even okay? No, it's not.
I have been having anxiety insomnia, which is not a new thing for me. I had it bad when I was younger, especially during thunderstorms, which I hate.
This sugar consumption ... I mean, I believe in Causality and this consumption will have effects.
I admit to that it is getting harder to get an erection but that may have to do with anxiety and pain. As a male, I am visually oriented and gosh, the recent issue of PH.... Female doesn't always mean beauty, you know what I mean?
Sugar. Got to have it.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
38
Suppose for a moment that you were younger or older than me. I am 38. I was born in the middle of the 1970s and my childhood was a better time than the bs stupidity and frank misery the world has been since September 11th.
I don't like being 38. I am starting to show signs of age. It isn't so easy to sleep. I do not know why but it seems to be a decay of my body. This has nothing to do with my age. I mean, there are other 38 year olds in much better shape than me.
They have families, kids, jobs, etc... I have none of these.
I have been pretty much of a shut-in for the last 4 years, ever since leaving walmart. I do go to the store but that's a necessity. I usually don't go alone.
Always at night because in the daytime, I cannot go outside and not have a panic attack.
How do other 38-year-olds compare to me? I am cuter, I don't get much sunlight exposure. I never drastically hurt myself like getting a broken bone. I have never needed a hospital stay. I always have thought that when I do, it is going to be very bad.
My hair is getting thinner. I do not think it will go away completely. Though baldness is common in males in the maternal side of my family, I have had my hair longer than they did when they were my age.
I get it cut short so that may seem like it is thin. I was told by an old man when I was a little boy that boys should never have long hair. I have always believed that and I never will have long hair.
I think that most of my life has been wasted because of my agoraphobia. I can't go out and do stuff, meet a new girlfriend, hell, I can't even go to Sonic, had a bad panic attack the last time I was there and I used to go there all the time.
I had a breathless panic attack when ordering tea at a familiar chicken place last summer. I could not talk. It was so embarrassing. When I paid for it, my hands were shaking so bad, also embarrassing.
My hands shake when I feel panic. It happens when I drive, go to the store. Worse when I go to the doctor and go to a certain city.
I can write about this because I think about it all the time. I am not like other 38-year-olds.
If you are the same age as me, please comment and say hi. I have never had a friend the same age as me, they are mostly older than me.
I don't like being 38. I am starting to show signs of age. It isn't so easy to sleep. I do not know why but it seems to be a decay of my body. This has nothing to do with my age. I mean, there are other 38 year olds in much better shape than me.
They have families, kids, jobs, etc... I have none of these.
I have been pretty much of a shut-in for the last 4 years, ever since leaving walmart. I do go to the store but that's a necessity. I usually don't go alone.
Always at night because in the daytime, I cannot go outside and not have a panic attack.
How do other 38-year-olds compare to me? I am cuter, I don't get much sunlight exposure. I never drastically hurt myself like getting a broken bone. I have never needed a hospital stay. I always have thought that when I do, it is going to be very bad.
My hair is getting thinner. I do not think it will go away completely. Though baldness is common in males in the maternal side of my family, I have had my hair longer than they did when they were my age.
I get it cut short so that may seem like it is thin. I was told by an old man when I was a little boy that boys should never have long hair. I have always believed that and I never will have long hair.
I think that most of my life has been wasted because of my agoraphobia. I can't go out and do stuff, meet a new girlfriend, hell, I can't even go to Sonic, had a bad panic attack the last time I was there and I used to go there all the time.
I had a breathless panic attack when ordering tea at a familiar chicken place last summer. I could not talk. It was so embarrassing. When I paid for it, my hands were shaking so bad, also embarrassing.
My hands shake when I feel panic. It happens when I drive, go to the store. Worse when I go to the doctor and go to a certain city.
I can write about this because I think about it all the time. I am not like other 38-year-olds.
If you are the same age as me, please comment and say hi. I have never had a friend the same age as me, they are mostly older than me.