Lab Rat

I signed up for a Low T (testosterone) study. 

Some years ago, I went to Austin for a prediabetes exam. I did not have it but they discovered a rather low T level. 

I know some things about me have become apparent. No, it's not my ever-worse anxiety disorder or hypertension. It's my ability to do some things.

It's not nice to talk about some things but they are male things. I am not different from other males. It is just I am mentally sick and that is the difference.

I go on thursday to see if I can be part of this study. If so,  may have an improvement. If not, well. I'm usually superfluous as a human being. This may be no different. 

I will share my  experience with this. 

Maybe by then my mom will be out of the hospital. But the fear is ever-more there.  

Possibility

I told you that it was not certain that I would always be lonely. It could happen at any time. I have reservations though and this may be just nothing.

I met a girl who is beautiful and smart. She likes me though I cannot see why. She doesn't know my problems. She doesn't know the last 15 years of so of soul-strangling anxiety. She doesn't know about the time alone. 

Better sense tells me to leave it alone. My anxiety feathers are in a tumult over this. 

I don't want to upset anyone and this girl can easily become panic bait. 

What happened to the days when I was positive?

Oh, Gosh

I am still sick. My throat is no longer sore unless I cough.

This does not excuse having beastly hair on my face. I am better than what I was in the last few posts. I no longer have a fever and the mucous is subsiding. I still cough some up but it is not as bad.

Why does this keep coming up? I am unused to being sick. I haven't been sick in a long time. I stay inside all the time and don't go anywhere.

I scrubbed my nose with proactiv as I said I would. I do not know if it made a difference.

I did have an accident. There are 2 overlapping scars on my upper lip. The older one was from when I was a kid and my mom's Chihuahua bit me. The other, which I cut, was from a can hitting me in the mouth as I took down a display in the old store I used to work in.

I hate multiple bladed razors. I do not know why I have one. I was using an old shaving cream as I ran out of the Aveeno kind.

I am running out of everything, deodorant, shampoo, orange juice, no cookies, it's stupid. There is a large interval typical of 31 day months between when my benefit comes.

I will be okay, I believe. I am getting better but I am having urinary issues related to my prostate gland problems. I don't like peeing on myself. It hurts when I don't do the m-thing for a while. I did not feel like it when I was sicker than I am now.

If this illness was caused by a bacterium, it could migrate down to the prostate and give me a bacterial infection, which hurts like a mf.

Anyway, this is a shave check post. I do not feel 100% so I am not as cute as I could be. I desperately need a haircut.

That spot on my lip is where I cut that canned vegetable can scar, it's blood.

Irritated

Why?

Could be you who reads this.

I have not been feeling well. It has to do with the sugar death, bad diet, anxiety. I am having allergy problems. Sneezing hurts, you know.

That power outage really pissed me off. I felt revved up anxiety the whole time. It did not help that it was cold and my laptop's battery was going down quicker than the ones in my power hungry camera.

The sky was partly clear today but I didn't go outside except to feed the dog. I haven't felt sun on my skin in a week. Could this be why I feel bad? Vitamin D and all that? I avoid sunlight, I burn too easy but on a cool or cold day, it isn't so bad, if you are careful.

You can burn just as easy. UV radiation doesn't care what temperature it is. You have seen enough pictures of me, you know how pale I am.

I am not posting this week's shave check picture. I will the next one. I am hoping to see 'Interstellar' after my Tuesday shave if I don't butcher my skin too badly.

It is almost time to shave body but I seem to have misplaced the charger for the Bodygroom razor. I need to find it.

My birthday is in a couple of weeks. Another year went by and blah... I hope my 38th summer will be what I wanted this last one to be.

My holiday wish? A girlfriend.

Something Wrong

I seem to be developing an itchy rash all over me. It is worse on my left leg in the region of my knee. I can't say what is causing this since I spend a lot of time in my underwear and don't go outside.


My sister told me it is a heat rash but what is that really? I have heard of this before. I took a picture of it but I don't think it turned out good. I will take another later.

I don't know what is going on. I don't need this physical problem added to the mental problems I have.

I am itching on my right arm and my neck as well. What is going on? Curse this summer. When will it end?

Too Hot

Every summer of my life has been hot. I mean, who could forget the 40+ straight days of 100 degrees F in 2011? I am used to it, it is the comfortable state to be in usually.

But....

I guess my constitution changed in the last 10 years. I get hot and cannot deal. I have taken to wearing only my underwear and t-shirt. I don't really care if you can see me like that. I am male, yes. I wish I wasn't but I have already talked about that.

I sweat, anxiety sweat is the most common but heat sweat is worse. It dehydrates ya, it is sticky and feels icky.

I sweat when I sleep. It is so warm in here. This will make it tougher to deal with cold when it does come.

I cannot take a picture of me with my MeUndies on. You can see the approximate size and shape of my peena. Like it is written elsewhere, cannot tell size from a relaxed one. This is especially true in my case.

I wish I didn't have one. I wish I could change like in SF stories where a machine does it. But that isn't real and I have to deal with this intense hatred of maleness.

If that is not mentally ill. What is?

Changing Appearance?

I don't know but I look and feel different. I don't want to post any more shave pictures but I am sharing this one because I feel that I look different. Maybe you can compare to the other shave pictures posted in the past.

Too Warm

As I get older, I am a few years away from 40, I have tended to get more sensitive to extremes in temperature. You know from this blog I can't take cold at all.

But what of warm? Understand: Every summer of my life, and the 38th one is imminent, has been HOT. I mean 105F, 40C with 90% humidity.

That is typical August here.

It is 86 outside as I write this. Hot weather never used to bother me. I would be out in it and eh, it is the way things are.

But in the last few years, I have gotten to where I can't deal with it much at all. How did this happen? I may be of Celtic ancestry but I am all Texan. Texans should be immune to the heat.

It gets so warm in here.

I have been going to sleep earlier. This is more about being bored and I get sleepy when bored.

It isn't even May yet and yet I am complaining about the heat. Right.

The Heat hasn't even begun yet.