Another

My mom is in the hospital again. Unlike before, this is an existential thing.

I must say I have never been too far from her. She needs the help but also my mental stability. 

I never had a life of my own. I don't have a female love nor children. I don't really contribute to the Greater Good. 

So I have recurrent suicidal thinking. I won't do it yet. I have to believe my mom will get better.

I don't have stability. I try to do my normal things and it causes a lot of emotional pain  because my mom is not there. 

It is unseemly for a guy to cry. Fuck that patriarchal bs. I do cry. It hurts a lot. 

I know she will be gone one day. I do not know if I will survive that. 

I am here. I am not going to hurt myself but the feeling is there. I don't want to cause anyone pain like I feel. A lot of people know me but do not know this.

Then this war in Israel bothers me. That and water scarcity like we had when rthe single water feed pipe for the whole town ruptured. It's fixed but no one trusts the water. Then the lake is drying up because it's been so dry. You can count on one hand how many times it has rained here since the beginning of the year. 

That's going to continue. Humanity cannot be changed. So the Earth will change to wipe us out. Just think of next summer when it's 130 degrees outside. 

No other species deserves extinction more. 

Pain

 Last Wednesday, my foot started to hurt really bad. Its my right foot and I'm loathe to show it all swollen and red.

So, I went to the doctor today and was diagnosed with gout arthritis. It is intensely painful and any pressure on my foot is extremely painful. 

I cannot get meds until another day to go. I can barely walk. I have learned what to avoid and it is doable but damned if I'm going to give up tea. 

I drink mostly water now. It's not like it appeals to me but it's how it is.

They say it'll go away in a few days but it's been almost a week and it's as intense as ever. I don't know what to do but get an arthritis cream that will ease this awful pain. 

I have trouble sleeping and my foot cannot even tolerate the blanket on it. It's the worst thing to happen to me as I age. That is why I fear aging. That dark day two weeks from now, when I turn another year older.

I will post a picture of my foot later. It's still swollen. I wonder if this is penance for something. I didn't do anything to deserve it.☹️

Holiday?

It must be said I do not have a family of my own. I don't have a companion or children. My life now is duty to my mom.

I see families on tv, multiple kids, a wife and happiness. I do not have this. 

Why? I have always been shy. It became agoraphobia over time. I developed anxiety disorder and had to quit walmart because I was stressed to the point of harming myself with a box cutter. I started but remembered my faith. It saved me. 

I'm not particularly religious and I am much too much into science but I still believe. 

I have one relationship with a female in Ghana. I am not ready to talk about Sala.

I do not know if I could have a companion. Strange people affect my anxiety. If my own Aunt does, what do you think a stranger would do? 

I was reminded when my mom was in the hospital last summer that I cannot live on my own. I could not deal with the constant fear, even if it is not justified. Anything can cause it, even memories, my own heartbeat, or a dog barking. 

I don't do much. I sit here and listen to music or play Spore. Yes, I do tire of it after so many years. 

Years ago I found it easy to get into a sexual relationship. But I'm not so cute now. 

I get anxiety when a female looks at me. I abhor attention. It's not a natural behavior but I am mentally ill yet still rational. I'm not that kind of sick. 

I don't pay attention to the tv. I listen to it. But the news bothers me and I just tune it out.

I could talk to someone, maybe. I don't know. I have a cell phone.

I am strongly attracted to females. I am not funny that way like my dad said for years because I didn't have a girlfriend. I still don't.

I don't know if I could. I cannot stand drama. It and driving are the two biggest irritants to driving.

My 2nd covid vaccine shot is soon. I will be 'fully' vaccinated in June some time. What is the point? I don't go out but a handful times in a month and that is mainly to check the mail.

I did it because it is a civic duty. The nebulous fear of coronavirus but my own natural avoidance helps me like that. I have been avoidant since I was teenager.

When my mom is gone, my duty ends and pain and grief will destroy me. What is the point in living after that?

What is the point now?  

Fear Lesson

My mom is still in the hospital. The prognosis is good, I was told. 

So, that's almost a week that she has been away. In this time, I have felt very bad. Not only is it a bereft feeling. It borders on feeling useless. 

Ordinarily, I help my mom. I am busy but now its like it doesn't matter.

My mom suffered a reaction to a medicine she was taking. This pneumonia was part of that. I do not understand this but I am not a doctor.

She will return eventually. In  what state, I cannot say.

This time now. My elder life will be like this.

I just cannot deal with that. 

Severe Fear

 Let me preface this by saying I have never left my mother. I am very close to her. I have always been. I do anything for her and I promised my dad I would take care of her. 

She got sick. She has pneumonia. Now on a ventilator. We are not allowed to go see her so I cannot know for a fact.

I talked to her on the phone yesterday. She sounded weak. 

This is a fear I have had for a long time. I have lost sleep at nights for the anxiety I have. 

The conditions of my life, the small benefit I get. I could not live on my own. I am scared of this extreme emotional pain. I might hang myself if I could manage it. 

I have always been too emotional. I believe I have a female soul. Does pain endanger it?

I could manage my dad passing away. He had a stroke. It was expected for 17 years. 

My family is going away. I will only have my sister left. My cousins. 

I am having a hard time writing this. I am scared. I have anxiety, I don't know how she is. 

If something happens to her, I do not know if I can manage it. 

I am 44 years old. I should be stronger than this but I am not. 

I will update this more often. 

Aging

I will be 40 soon.

I feel a fear of the 40s because too many times, I have noticed in other peoples' lives, bad things happened in their 40s.

I cannot say that it will happen to me but given my chronic prostatitis that doesn't go away and the constant fear I feel, it might happen.

I already feel arthritic-like pain in my hands and knees and hips and ankles. My feet hurt on occasion.

My consumption of sugary drinks is causing ill effects. I can't drink the tap water, it tastes bad and has caused kidney problems in the past.

My DNA report said I am most supsceptible to gout arthritis. Then again, I have favorable odds of developing Type 2 Diabetes as well. The sugary drinks are only strengthening those odds. 

I remember what it was like to be a teenager. I was a teenager between 1988 and 95. Think of how the world changed then. I did not hurt, well, I developed a stomach ulcer when I was 19, but that was an early manifestation of the effects that anxiety had on me. 

I never could talk to a girl I liked. I couldn't go out, though I had a job then in a store. I was avoidant then.

I have been sick like that for a long time. Anxiety is hardwired in my soul. It was only drawn into the light by stress in my time at wm. 

Been sitting here for most of that time. Every day is the same in some ways. But it is Sunday that one feels reflective. Always seems to be that way.

I didn't have a computer until 2003. I have had one since, I have 3 of them now. My laptop was smashed, I have conflicting feelings about getting it fixed. 

I have a HP Stream 11, which isn't much good for anything other than writing, which, mainly is the purpose of having a computer for me. 

How has the computer changed my life? I used to write on paper. I used to listen to my cd player all the time. I am starting to listen to it again, though my main music thing is in this computer. 

My life has been just that, write, listen to music. I watch little tv. I used to abhor going outside and I still do to a degree, but I have a place to write that isn't too bad. 

My anxiety disorder and agoraphobia are as bad as ever. I wonder if they will beat my genetics in causing the decline. 

Decline, for the moment, I am still 39. Not even middle aged yet. 

It makes me extremely sad if I think about it so I don't.

Possibility

I told you that it was not certain that I would always be lonely. It could happen at any time. I have reservations though and this may be just nothing.

I met a girl who is beautiful and smart. She likes me though I cannot see why. She doesn't know my problems. She doesn't know the last 15 years of so of soul-strangling anxiety. She doesn't know about the time alone. 

Better sense tells me to leave it alone. My anxiety feathers are in a tumult over this. 

I don't want to upset anyone and this girl can easily become panic bait. 

What happened to the days when I was positive?

Fear

I have lived out here for 15 years. It is more or less what was home. Aged a lot out here, spent a lot of time alone out here.

That time alone... did it cause my anxiety disorder or my addiction to porn? Is it why I am afraid to get a new girlfriend?

It doesn't feel like home anymore. Ever since the death of my father, it has become a place of fear. I don't like being alone here. I am not usually but I when I am, panic sets in.

I don't like seeing the bed he was on when he passed. Have to pass it to go take a shower.

Memory is deeply affected as the places he was, they are still here as they were before.

I don't want to leave this home but I don't want to stay here. It stokes my grief. I am afraid that I would have to go far away, still in my native county, but far from here.

I feel afraid of changes. Where will my aging take place?

I am afraid, this fear stokes anxiety, which stresses, grinds on my P-gland, which has hurt severely for several days.

I will write a post about my male pain later. I will show you my parts so be mindful.

A Genuine Fear

My cousin says it is not bad if I remain single and have no children in my life. I am sure she is not the only one with this opinion.

However, is this why I have a benefit for my anxiety? That I can't have a normal life because of it? I can't. I told you about attention. I don't like it, it makes me uncomfortable.

I do not like using a phone. I have a LG Neon, a phone made to text, not a smartphone with a bunch of stupid applications. I would rather text, I can say it in writing better.

I don't know. I fear that it will end without anything. I don't know if I could have children.

This is not just because of anxiety. I could, after some familiarity, be with a female. Or through anti-anxiety med, it is possible but that has side-effects, especially in the sex department.

My prostate gland is stress damaged. My parts still work but the pain is ever-present. I do not know if my seminal fluid is viable. Why wouldn't it be? I don't recall it ever being tested. If I ever return to urology, I will ask.

I worry that I will be alone in my elder life. I will have the internet, whatever form it takes then, but that isn't the same.

What is the point in having an elder life if one did not contribute? That is my fear.

I have a hope that I will meet a new girlfriend some time. It is just that, I wouldn't come out of my shell for just anyone.

I don't want to be alone in my elder life.

About Childlessness

I do not have children. I have only had sex with two different females and neither were fit, one was way older than me, the other was early 20's, not a time for such consequences.

I never intended to be childless. I always thought, maybe, I could have one, just one. But I developed prostatitis and sex is so hard for me.

That is not the reason I cannot go find a female willing to mate with me.

It is my anxiety. In full panic mode, I cannot even be ready for the occasion. Besides that, I am aware of the consequences. I don't have the money or structure to raise a child.

I don't think I could deal with the stress. I know I can't because kids get on my nerves as it is.

I don't know. Theoretically, through my 40s, assuming my prostate doesn't implode, I can find a female willing to mate with me.

Funny way to put it but I don't think it will ever happen. The same loneliness that anxiety causes also makes me childless.

My child more than likely would have blue eyes and red hair. Traits I had when I was a kid. Would they have anxiety problems too? Is this genetic?

I ask this because a 1st cousin of mine has the same problems I do. I wish I could be like her and get help. She knows where to get it, I do not.

Irritation

What irritates you?

Bothering me irritates me. I have Skullcandy Hesh II headphones on. I cannot hear you when the music is on. I listen to music ALL the time. I hate quiet. I'd say it drowns out the voices in my head but I don't have those... yet. I am not that mentally ill.

I am getting older. It's not so easy to get up as it once was. I feel weaker than I used to, though that may be the Low T affecting me. I am old? 38 is old? I am not that far from 40. What is old? I never envisioned being old. I thought it would be steady. I mean, my face isn't changing. I don't have saggy skin.

My arthritic future has yet to manifest. I am genetically predisposed to it.

How are my prostate issues going to affect me? Every male has BPH as he ages. What if mine is too broken to endure BPH? For now, it just hurts when I pee.

I don't feel any different from the last few years. As long as my anxiety feathers aren't ruffled, I am okay.

Laying on my bed earlier, I felt it, thump-thump-thump, like a bass drum beating in my bony chest. How has panic disorder affected it? Will it trouble me as I get older? It frankly scares me sometimes.

I wasn't so old when I started this blog. Used to have a quirky sense of humor. As I have gotten progressively affected by Anxiety Disorder, I don't find things funny like I used to.

Is aging bothering you as well? Do you wonder what it will do to you? I will shave tomorrow and post a picture. See how I am aging.

I never thought my adult life would be this way. When I was a teenager, I thought, yes, it will be cool. I could do what I wanted. But no. A basic personality trait (shyness) became a feathered specter that encages my soul.

I am not the same boy I was then. I have changed and not for the better. I am agoraphobic now. I can barely go outside. I'd like to so things but no. I spend all my money so I am not tempted to go somewhere and ruffle my anxiety feathers.

The no love thing hurts too. I thought I'd eventually find a loving girlfriend. Instead, I found an immature twit from California who had no idea what love is.

I have always had female friends. It used to not be hard.

My closest female friend is 27 years older than me. My second closest is my cousin.

If I should make a new one, what will she want? They all want something. They wrap their deep-seated cruelty in sweetness. No, some hurts can be avoided.

I will grow old alone. That is, should my anxiety not kill me first.

I don't want to age, to get older. I hate the very thought of it. But I have gray hairs now. What does that mean?

Sad Again

I have some kind of oscillating depression. I feel okay some days but there are those days when I think of suicide and dying. I try to avoid those days. I mean the last one I had, I went outside naked, I did the m-thing, I am driven to do things like that.

No, I cannot do the m-thing outside. Anxiety clamps down and ha, things don't work.

I can come back inside and yes, though it depends on how badly I am hurting. I cannot do the m-thing when it hurts bad.

Yes, I admit to doing the m-thing, self pleasure, because I have no girlfriend or friend with that benefit. Even if I did, sex hurts my prostate, though I believe that is a positional thing based on my experience with Malee. Female can't lay there like a gel doll. She's got to move, participate.

As I get older, it seems unlikely that I can do it at all. My peeny does not hurt, the pain is inside, and unless you know a lot about male anatomy, I can't explain exactly where it is. It feels like a raging blaze right behind my scrotal area. It is constant, never changes unless it intensifies which it does occasionally.

When I have a panic attack, my muscles lock up squeeze on an already damaged prostate gland. that freaking hurts. I mean HURT in capital letters. Other stuff happens in a panic attack, sweating, shaking, feeling terrified. Can't breathe. It happens when I drive. It happens when I go somewhere. It happens when I get yelled at. It happens when someone unfamiliar comes here.

I AVOID. I don't like panic attacks, not at all. I would rather break my own arm than willingly go through one. So to AVOID, I stay inside, I don't go anywhere and even if I did, I would be poor company to keep, being reticent and shy.

Anxiety Disorder has warped my life. I don't think I will ever get better. I can't afford treatment and to get treatment, I have to go to Georgetown, which is some way from here. That is not unfamiliar territory, I used to work in Georgetown. Back before I developed full Social Anxiety Disorder. The Agoraphobia is a side effect, a fear driven not by people but panic attacks. I hate panic attacks.

What is this doing to my heart? Sometimes I have chest pains. This may not be heart-related but it hurts.

If I develop prostate cancer, heart disease, or there is a chance that I could develop lung cancer, how will I ever get treatment? I would die because I can't go outside and seek help.

A fine thing, that.

You may not worry about such things but I do. I am scared, I admit it.

I need help now.

Uncomfortable

I have dreams about and am thinking of death. This bothers me a lot. I mean, we all die. Many I know say that when someone dies, 'it was their time to go'.

I don't believe this because it violates Causality. Death has a cause, illness, injury, age, whatever. I do not know how I will die and frankly, I don't want to. I don't want to suffer.

Now that is sort of depressing. I mean, I could live to be 80. Given my family history, more than likely, I will not. I am already developing arthritis and I have read more than one news story about panic disorder causing heart disease. I have panic disorder.

I went to the wm in my hometown, a small one, and gosh, it was like avoidance. I hurried and kinda walked fast. I try hard not to panic if it can be avoided. I worry about my heart, have for a long time.

I have lost 7 lbs since January. That is good? Consider that I weigh 151 lbs now. Any lower and I would be underweight for my size. It could be muscle loss because I am not using them.

I would like to go to the Cove Gym to get back into some sort of shape but aside from no money to pay for it, I fear my agoraphobia would snap, especially considering that I am self-conscious at how pasty white my skin is.

I will try not to think of death. I certainly don't write about it.

When I was driving home, the cd player played 'Beauty #2' by Ladytron. Where is my Beauty #2?

Love helps, I know this for a fact.

Death

I was playing Final Fantasy 12 when I was told that Whitney Houston had died. I put it on CNN and truth, the woman with the beautiful voice was gone. I have always liked her, though I don't listen to pop music. Either rock or trance for me.

No matter how she died, she has reached what I have grown to think of as absolute peace. No matter what happens after death, the human conditions and tribulations are over.

I think of death because I feel suicidal sometimes. However, the pain my anxiety disorder causes can be managed by medicine and faith.

It is a natural part of the cycle of life and perhaps all who are alive fear it. Those who say they don't are full of it. How would you like to experience the moment when you realize your heart has stopped beating? That alone scares me.

I've seen videos of some messed up things on the net, like a guy that got run over by a large truck and was literally cut in half. He was not dead right away and that was horrible to watch.

In darker moments, I envy people my age who have died. Their pain is over.

Whatever afterlife exists, it isn't a human one. No wants or needs. No physicality.

For some reason, autopsies scare me. I watch Dr. G and she does it with aplomb, unfazed by the sight of the gooey bloody insides of us humans. I could say that I don't want to be autopsied after my death but that is not something I could do anything about.

In this area, dead people are sent to Dallas for autopsy. That is some way to go and it seems sad.

Death will call on us, it is a certainty. I hope it is kind when it is my time.

Anxious (Anxiety-Boosted)

I don't know if my Anxiety Disorder has anything to do with my painful personal illness. If it does, then I'm doomed to hurt always. I mean, I hurt now and have all day. That freaking job is not helping. 100 degrees tomorrow. I start the contrast fluid intake tomorrow. Nothing but that to drink and nothing to eat until at least Tuesday afternoon. I am ever nauseous feeling these days. My stomach reels from the assault by meds and too much soda.

Errr... This apprehension is horrible. People say I'll be okay. Jen says just be brave. That's easy for them to say. They don't cringe at the awful pain as they pee.

I am relying on the Celexa-clone to get me through this. I will take it way early on Tuesday to avoid the panic attack inevitable when they hook an IV line into me.

I hope this is not a big deal. I will try to befriend the radiologist and the nurses. It's always nice to speak to people in my hometown. It is nothing like that festering stench-filled cesspit called K-town.

Again, I am imbibing a liter of Evian in less than 30 minutes. I like Evian because it tastes pure. I have drank it since I first saw it in my preteen years. Lucky the HEB carries a variety of sizes for it.

I am deydrated. Don't quite know how to avoid that and not upset my stomach and body by consuming a great quantity of water that will make me pee painfully once again.

A conundrum, no? yes? Listen to Elastica and it will be better. Just like now.

Anxiety and CT

Last wednesday, I went to Dr E as appointed and he told me that nothing he could do further can alleviate this elusive and intense pain that comes when I am not dehydrated, such as I have been critically for the last few days. He ordered a CT scan for me that will cover my middle and pelvic areas. I am most worried about the lower urinary tract and the bladder areas.

A troubling new sensation or lack thereof is bothersome to my anxiety. When the m-thing reaches the climax stage, the feeling is numbed or even muted. It is usually very intense thanks to the Celexa-clone.

Ay ya, a ghost shouldn't feel this way. I am scared of this scan and what it may find. If it is nothing, I will be genuinely shocked. Something is wrong in there.

The CT scan is in the hospital I was born in on tuesday morning. I will not be allowed to eat/drink/consume anything but the barium suspention fluid. I mean, I have like two liter-sized bottles of it to drink. I hope it doesn't taste nasty.

I will wear a green shirt and green underwear, blue jean shorts and maybe white or black socks depending on if I wear my white Asics or black New Balance shoes. If I am asked to get naked, oh well. I don't care about that anymore.

My job is making me very upset. I get so hot, people keep coming, coworkers always need something. Then some of them yelling at me. The next time it happens, I will show them why I am Dark Jedi Gregory aka Arthelius the Ghost.

I am drinking like a liter of Evian in the hope that I will re-hydrate my water starved body. I have not had enough in three days and there are two more to go in what the NWS is forecasting 100 degree days.

Nausea is common these days. I am not sure about eating when I feel this way. Lucky I am close to bedtime now. I bet I will wake up with a major provocation of the pain that stymies Dr E.

Why can't things just calm down? F-ing holidays. Paganism. That's all it is. An excuse to buy and sell something. Come to the wm, bother the overworked and underpaid associates with inane and frankly stupid questions. How can any of us keep our sanity?

I will post more on this personal anxiety provoking situation later. I must go to sleep, the only peace I get anymore.