Allergies

You might think ill of my allergies? I mean, who is allergic to laundry detergent? But it isn't something silly. My skin rages. I have scratched until I started bleeding in some places.


This is not restricted to any one part of me. My abdomen is most affected, then my legs, then my male parts. Parts covered by clothing.

Add to this the dry skin typical of this time of year and the itching is damn-near intolerable. I can manage but for how long? Do I have to hurt my skin scratching  as time goes by?

I cannot get a ride to the store to get more All Free-Clear and to the lavandería to rewash the Tide out of my clothes. This may be an overestimation of the problem but I won't feel it is all right until this is done.

I say it in Español because that is what is on the sign on the building in my hometown. I like saying that better anyway. I did take many years of Spanish in school and some of it bubbles up in the mental froth occasionally.

This itching is getting on my nerves. The rashes mar my pale skin. Dry skin is only making it worse.

Get this, last night, I normally use Old Spice Dry Skin Defense when it is bad. I couldn't, the hot water ran out and it was 40-ish in that bathroom. Ya! Cold! That hurt.

In the summertime when it is very hot, I like the cold, not in this time of the year at all.

My primary allergy, to mt. juniper, the most common tree in this area, is waffling because the pollen goes down and up depending on weather conditions. It is 33 degrees F as I write this on the highway bridge a little under two miles east here. Somehow, the government put a sensor there. You can see its antenna on the concrete railing.

It is the closest sensor to my house.

Curse this winter. Bring back the 80s! Years and temperature both!

Really

People are insensitive and cruel. And you wonder why I have agoraphobia....

I got to a state where it doesn't mean anything. People do more harm than good with their reactions. Must think of outcomes to your decisions.

All we are is a race of stupid apes who were cursed with intelligence. Where do we fit in the natural world? Are we native to any one part of it? My DNA goes back to Western Europe only. I may be native to Tx but human beings are not naturally native to anywhere in North America.

Being a White American disconnects ties to distant ancestors. I likely have kin all over the east and back in the UK but I will never meet them.

I don't know. I wouldn't want to meet people I don't know. No one is really your friend.

Especially a female.

There, I said it. It isn't misogyny. I like women a lot, but their behavior is like ????? sometimes.

Curse me for my subscription to PH. It was paid for months ago. Budgeted, not that it is expensive.

KMT is the most expensive magazine to which I subscribe.

Aw, forget it. I like being a ghost and being a ghost, I shall be.

Ar-Ghost.

Shaving Hurts

I have written a lot about I hate being male. One of the things I hate most is body hair. Androgenic hair. One of the worst places is on the face.

I can shave other parts with my Bodygroom razor which is easier and hurts less. Cannot use it on face nor would I want to.

I use Aveeno products and I shave with a Schick Hydro 3-blade razor. It may be time for a new one that doesn't hurt so bad.

I shave every Tuesday. The idea is to focus and people to leave me alone. That is true much of the time but especially here.

Why does it hurt? One is dragging sharp pieces of metal across the face. Why would you think it doesn't hurt? I think of girls who shave their armpits, legs, sometimes the private area. Is this not as painful?

Have no way of knowing.

All I know is that as long as I grow androgenic hair, I will shave it off. Maybe in the future, they can depilate hair with light instead of a sharp piece of metal.

Not that I could afford such a thing. Here is my shave check picture...

Still cute at 39? I hope so.

Ants

Let me talk about this scourge called ants. These small black ones whose bite stings and itches. Somehow they have gotten in here and were on my bed.

I washed the sheets and pillowcases to kill them. I do not understand what they were trying to find there. I never sleep naked and wear sweatpants and socks always. A shirt, of course, as well. I told you that was for a reason.

These little beasts, I mean, I have been bit on my shoulder, my feet, my scrotum, my back and my legs over the past few months.

But in killing insects, is it not wrong like you would kill a dog or another person? Everything has a right to be, does it not?

I wish I did not think of guilt over killing insects despite having done so many, many times.

Maybe winter will come early and kill these insects as they are cold-blooded. But that is not likely as August is the hottest time of the year in my area. A heat advisory today, at that.

Insect Bites

You may have noticed from my pictures that I have rather pale skin. I am a white guy, yes, but I do not go out into the sunlight. I don't like the sunlight. Need it, I know, Vitamin D deficiency but I don't want to burn.

There are insects all around, mosquitoes chiefly are the issue here. I get bitten by them usually overnight as I am a night person. It is so hot so I tend to sit here in my underwear and yes, I do have a shirt on but I still get bitten.

I have been bitten by flies, stung by a bee, a wasp, and I don't know on my foot. It spontaneously started hurting one day not long ago.

I HATE insects, some very much more than others. I especially hate houseflies and mosquitoes.

Bug bites appear stark on my pale skin. I would post a picture but how much of me do you want to see?

I haven't posted recently because I have really nothing to talk about. Unless you want me to talk about something.

What is Wrong?

Wrong.

I have been thinking. I don't like to go outside. The sun is unpleasant. Also, other people. I don't feel comfortable in the company of others.

My anxiety disorder is worse in some ways than it used to be. I feel it when reading a book or watching a movie. I don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life.

I have been just sitting here and doing my thing. The same thing I have really done since 2003. I have a better computer now and I have written so many stories since then. I just don't know.

You people who are only here for the pictures really bother me. As far as I know, you are too stupid to read the posts.

I have been writing about personal things since this blog was started and I am really bothered when you cheapen it by looking for only the pictures.

It is bad enough that you don't comment. I don't have to have a comment blank on my blog, you know.

I know which posts are looked at. I use analytics on here. I wrote a post about Russia and it got looked at but I don't give a fuck about Russia. We have our own problems here.

That is what is wrong.

Now What?

Do you only like pictures in my blog? Most hits I get are those for posts with pictures in them.

What is the deal? Are you not interested in me and my daily pain? It manifests powerfully today.

Why did you come here? For the pictures? What kind of person are you? Can you not see the denigration of a male human being as he slowly falls apart?

I am stricken with a chronic condition in my pelvic area. It greatly affects my life so I have no choice but to write about it.

The specter of my anxiety disorder is what rules my life. It is all encompassing and total. My soul is in a cage.

I don't like posting pictures really. Who is looking at them? Why? Do you think I am cute? Do you like astronomy and the weather? Occasionally females of interest?

I don't know and the more time goes by, I really wonder what this is for.

Do you like hurting my feelings? Especially this person with the I-Phone. Who are you? What makes you look at my blog on that device? I know what the mobile site looks like, it isn't all that great.

I don't know. This post probably won't get as looked at like one with pictures. Only proves you really don't give a damn about me. No one does.

I-Phone?

Somebody all but spammed my blog with an I-phone. Who are you? Are you too chicken to leave a comment? What do you want to know? You already rank pretty high on the douchebag meter just by having an I-phone so speak up for yourself.

Otherwise, carry on with your Apple sheep device.

Who are you?

Seriously, who are you? What are you looking for here? I am an agoraphobic male from Tx. I don't go outside. I don't go anywhere. I mean, the store last 3rd was the last time I went anywhere. I may not go anywhere until the next time I need to go to the store.

I am not that interesting. I write stories and listen to music. I don't have anything interesting to talk about, activity wise.

I am smart, sort of. I know a lot of things. Applicable? Maybe not.

I am getting older, yes but I am only 38. I am not like any other 38 year old. I don't have kids. I have not had a girlfriend in over five years.

I never left home. I have been agoraphobic for most of my adult life. It only became anxiety disorder in my 30s. it gets progressively worse every year and the medicine I take for it is too harsh for me.

Now I have trouble sleeping. I have slept on the same twin sized bed since I was a teenager.

I am not a big guy. I am 64.4 inches tall. Like a Hobbit compared to most guys.

Oh, other guys, I despise them. Misandry is part of my mental illness.

What do you want to know? Why are you here? Do you want a picture posted? I like taking pictures but going outside to take one.... not so easy for me.

I just don't understand why you are looking at my blog. What is it?

Are you afraid to comment? Why? It's there for a reason. I could easily disable comments on my blog but maybe someone will grow a spine and post a comment. I will get back to ya.

So, what's it going to be?

What?!

Seriously, I don't know who reads my blog. Most people who do are too chicken to drop a comment. I normally don't pay any mind to who comes to my blog. Why? Do you like me? Interested in the banality of my blog? What?

So I check stats occasionally, and lo and behold, what I saw here.

Who uses their PS3 to look at things like my blog? I don't use mine like this. What is going on?

Unflattering Check

I know I am getting older. I mean, my facial hair is mostly gray. I shave it off mainly because it makes me look older. I don't want to be older. I hate having my cuteness blunted by age. If any females read my blog, I want to look good for them.

I don't know what a female thinks when she sees a male. I know some that hate males. I am not typical for an American male, I am sensitive and shy to the point of disability.

I had to shave today as a winter storm is imminent and I don't like shaving when its cold enough to shrivel things, a guy knows what I am talking about. I have an issue with MeUndies underwear as it is. I can post a picture but that is awful close to a TOS violation.

Instead, I will post this painful result of shaving just ten minutes ago.

No Cuts This Time

Another post about shaving. I wore my Hanro underwear this day. It is comfortable. I will post a picture of it in another post.

For a long time, I seem to irritate the fuck out of my neck when shaving. I cannot see when I shave under my chin, see, I go by feel. Go back over a rough spot over and over until it is smooth.

Otherwise, I did not cut my cheeks or upper lip or my chin. Tell me, do you like these pictures?

Bothered

I am upset with the people who read this blog. I restricted it for a few days and let them not see.

No requests to read my blog have come in. I don't know what you people in foreign countries want from me.

What are you looking for here? Why pay attention to my blog, when in the first few years of it, no one came here to see what I wrote.

No one leaves a comment. You people could give less of a care about me or my opinions.

I express my pain sometimes, so what? It is MY blog.

I will unblock it soon, and see who reads this. I may forever block it if no one leaves a comment given as many people who reads my blog, from Russia, the UK, China or wherever else you are.

Yes, it bothers me, a lot, actually.

Busy Lives, Mine is Not

Something I do not understand. Not having time to write an e~mail or a fb message. It takes usually no more than a few minutes.

Everyone is so busy all 24 hours of the day. It seems that they never have the time to do anything related to their own being, you know, like friendships.

My days are usually the same. I wake up, I turn on the pc and I write and listen to music. Occasionally, I have to do other stuff but it usually doesn't take up much time. I mean, I cook dinner most nights. I take out the trash, I do other stuff, it doesn't take all day to do that.

EVEN when I did have a job and worked at wm, I had time to answer messages and check things.

Now that I have too much time, I am stuck in a void. I have a life you could not deal with. Agoraphobia manifests in me in keeping me inside all day. I am a virtual prisoner some days, my own feeling keeping me in here.

This room isn't what it used to be. The floor is collapsing. There is an epic mess in here that will take days to clean up. I don't do it because of some kind of mental thing related to my mental illness. I can look at this pragmatically and know something is wrong but have no will to fix it.

The internet is my only social contact. It will likely be this way for the rest of my life. How sad is that?

While you are busy, I am here, sitting in my chair, trying to write.

I typically sleep from 5 or 6 am to 2 or 3 pm. On sundays, I have to wait until 630 am to go to sleep, the Fox's PSA's play at 6 am and I cannot sleep to people talking about some inane social event or whatever is going on at Ft Hood that has nothing to do with civilians.

Why do I sleep during the best part of the day (morning)? I really have no idea. I like the overnight.

It's only right for a ghost to like the night, you know.

Poison

Let me comment first on Facebook. What an effing waste of time and web allocation. Who cares where you are going or wants to hear your proseltysing? I believe God and Jesus too but I don't force my beliefs on others. I wanted talk to my school friends but I am contacted by people who were never really my friends. Where are my friends? I ain't seen any of them in 17 years. What kind of friend is that? Eh, never mind. I don't like facebook. I never felt comfortable using it so I mention old Arthelius and Marraka, let them eat up that metaphysical SW soap opera.

They are on vacation at a sex resort on pre-Yuuzhan Vong War Kuat. I didn't mention that part, you know, they might think that I am a disturbed individual. Ha ha. I KNOW it isn't real. Do you believe anything you do is REAL? Wasting time on farmville? Ha! I played Sins of a Solar Empire and wiped the floor with pirates and my enemy in one huge battle. And guess who won. Queue 'I Stand Alone' by Godsmack. Bwahahaha!

Seriously, I don't give a rat's behind what you did today.

You know what I did? ITCH! I got into some poison sumac while doing an outdoor chore. I contact spread it to my left eyelid when I wiped sweat away, and further contact spread it to my peeny when I went to pee. I always have to go pee, it's a prostatitis thing. Itchy-itchy.

You ever take a cold shower when your core temperature is too warm? It's kinda blissful but something I'd never do in the wintertime, cold is usually painful to me but not when it was 103 outside today. I have red rashes on my knees and inside of my elbows. I suspect that I have one on my hiney too but I wore shorts (bad mistake) while doing those chores and my beloved posterior was covered.

I don't really dislike anyone. I just don't like insipid conversation. Talk about Quasars or how sorry it was when Anakin Solo bought it in that worldship over Myrkr. Not 'I was at the car lube place' or 'I scored a million points in a meaningless game'.

I have written thousands of stories. I continue to write. I have the knowing of a lot of different things. I am no genius but I can hold my own.

Oh, why couldn't Arthelius take me with him? Sorry bastard.

Annoyances

It could be my family, who constantly want me to do something. I am not a servitor. I get ebough of that bs at work.

It could be my girlfriend, who is frigid and doesn't reply to messages.

It could be my physical condition, my prostate hurting or the searing pain when I pee. General tiredness from the week's misery or the stupification of my celexa.

It could be that I haven't done the m-thing in 2 days. I don't believe Ive had a conscious erection in at least 2 days.

Lack of sex is for the better part something I rarely thought about since I was shy before the celexa and now am too tired or too annoyed to go look for some.

My teeth aren't in the best condition. Soe of my fillings have fallen out over the years and my left front tooth is chipped badly. Working in a store has its hazards, parrticularly if you are a stocker like me.

Now my eyes are bothering me. They seem to be irritated, though given my house, that is hardly a surprise. This rural area surrounded by allergy provokling cedar trees, dirt roads, highway fumes, pollen, then the smoking done by my family. The insensitive sods they are. I cannot see clearly for some reason. I will go to the eye doctor very soon. I am supposed to already have gone months ago.

It could be this Obama-mania. I want hard news and analysis. Not fawning over the president.

It could be the realization that I can write a better story but I lack the discipline to do so.

It could be my radio, which is failing after 10 years of constant service. I always have the radio on. It is one of my things I gotta have. Something from a childhood fear that left me unable to sleep without it on.

It could be my room, which is a combo between garbage dump and tornado damage. Only my clothes are well kept, though I've resorted to putting my off day clothes in a large plastic tote.

It could be that I need new glasses. The damned things aren't cheap. Especially if you have a powerful prescrption like I do.

This annoyance calvalcade wears on my anxiety, which is something I do NOT need.

When my tax refund comes, thankfully soon, I will see about going somewhere just to enjoy the day. It would be even better if Jen could come.

I need to go. I am getting sleepy and the *sigh* I have to pee again.

I'll be going to the cesspit tomorrow for new music, possibly new shoes and I will drop by Jen's house.

Understand, if I am blessed with a sex friend, it is in no way an affront to Jen. She doesn't and wouldn't care to know.

There is a little Arthelius in me. I am not the ghost he is, however.

Just Awful

When I woke up today, I had a painful and mucus extracting cough that ravages my throat, I have it still, but it has been reined in a bit by DayQuil and Ricola.

I left work early because I feel awful and my cough is painful and embarrassing to me. I sneezed earlier and a gob of mucus hit my left shoe. Eww.

Oh. sorry, a 45 minute break whilst I took a bath/shower to get rid of a bone chilling coldness I had.

Anyway, I feel awful physically, sure, but it will eventually pass. There is another awful that is not so easy to displace.

I don't know why but many of the females in my work area talk about sex. Their experiences and how often they like to have it. It is a wonderful thing. I agree with that, but I haven't actually done it since the balmy late summer of y2k.

My mentally immature girlfriend refuses any talk of sex until we are married. Do I want to spend my elder years with this girl who considers her dogs her children, who has no idea of what life is really like? I am of the firm belief that when we do have sex, it will unlock this easiness to her charm. She will be better for it, not being so uptight and prudish all the time.

When those females talk of sex, I walk away. They remind me of what I do not have. I am stupidly loyal to Jen. But if I defer to her beliefs, then I may be 50 before even seeing her naked.

She has been my girlfriend for more than a year. When is it time to give up? I feel neglected by her and she wonders why I don't come to her spartan house that smells of dogs? Why doesn't she understand that I dont like dogs?

It does not make me a bad person. I am a cat person. I love my cats but they are pets, not family members. They stay outside and do what cats do, sleep and eat and crap.

I hope she reads this. I can't get the nerve to tell her how I feel sometimes. She gets upset so easy.

I am physically neglected by my girlfriend. Many say it is wrong and I should leave her but what is love but an overpowering force?

I woundn't mind in the least bit if I had a sex friend separate from my gf. She wounldn't know and if she did, I don't really think she'd care if she was not involved.

Arthelius had several sex friends and one true love. He did all right, but now he's spectral with a Wookie female who has all but inherited his legacy. Not that Marakka is anything like sensuously desireable from a human POV.

Ah, the trials of being a ghost. I envy that, really.

Hmm... Friends?

You know, I dont know much about Facebook, though I have a page there. I am a lowly wm associate and usually asocial guy. I have Social Anxiety, genius.

So when a person whom I utterly detested in school tried to add me as a friend on Facebook, I said no. And this isn't because I'm childish. I have not really heard from any of my friends from school and I don't want to hear about their fabulous lives, beautiful. loving wives or their stupid kids.

I have a frigid girlfriend who considers her dogs as her children. She is 28, mind you.

I work in the deepest part of the cesspit that is K-town.

If you want to be my friend, visit my myspace page or send me an e~mail. Mind that I know most of my friends in person.