Life Now

I moved to a better place last December. I do not exactly feel comfortable here but it is eons better than where I was. 

At least I don't have to bathe outside with a water hose now. 

How did that change me? I lost my inhibition to nudity. I learned that if I spend any more time in the sun, I will get skin cancer. I gained many new freckles then. 

I can go to the store but not alone. I feel terrible anxiety when alone, I forget things and walk fast and have panic sweat. 

This has made my male pain worse, like before when I worked at wm. It isn't stress like I felt then, it is stress because of my panic reaction. 

People cause my anxiety reaction. But not always. I went to see Alien Covenant two days ago. I had a severe panic reaction for much of the movie. When it was done, I was shaking so bad, I had to sit down. 

Before the movie, I had to pee. I am pee shy. Normally I don't like going into a public bathroom but I did because it hurts if I hold it and so, there wasn't anyone in there. I was able to go. 

I do not know if I can go to the movies now. I normally avoid horror movies. However, Prometheus left a bunch of uncomfortable questions. 

I can talk to people. But not other guys. They seem to affect my anxiety worse. Stupid fuckers who are only male because of a mutated chromosome. 

Living in proximity to other people adds a new dimension to my anxiety but I avoid most of them. 

I could go on and on about things. But no. I do want to say, though I have terrible anxiety, I don't feel hopeless.

That may change if my benefit is threatened by un-American bastards only interested in coddling the wealthy.