Troubles

You may not know, that on August 24, 2008, I attempted suicide. I used a pair of sharp scissors. I did not succeed because my sister interrupted me.

Why? Stress at wm mainly, it was a bad time for me then. August is when I took my vacations because it is my favorite time of the year. Good things happened to me in August's of the past.

But fast forward many years now. I do not have the stress I did at wm. instead, I have shame. Shame that I am childless at age 38, not because I can't physically, it is this fucking anxiety disorder.

If you don't have it, you can't understand it. It is like a constrictor snake around the soul. When provoked, it constricts. That is a pretty good analogy for what I feel.

When stressed, get away, stop it. Avoid. Can't do that if the stressor is work or somewhere away from home.

I watch a lot of tv. This isn't like all the time. I write stories most of the time and don't pay attention to a lot of it. I have been keeping up with this missing airplane and the potential for war in Russia.

I watch the usual shows, WWE, racing, Lockup, occasionally a movie, but other than the news, not much else.

I mention tv because we are inundated with happy images of parents and children. If this is the norm, does this make me abnormal? Is it possible even, to even hope that I can have a child?

Why can't I? Anxiety. In sex, it has happened in all the times I have done it. Anxiety that this awesome responsibility could happen. I am on Social Security. How could I provide for a child? Would a child not be a stressor for anxiety? Judging from my niece, yes.

Summer is a hard time for me. Not because people wear less and are generally better looking. But is a lonelier time for me. I generally write better stories when I am able to go out and see things. Meet new people, see my friends in reality, instead of FB.

Then there is a class reunion this summer. 20 years. It is so hard to believe that it has been 20 since that dark night in the football stadium. People cheered when I got my diploma. 

If I only had known then what I know now.

The world changed since then. Uncertainty became the norm.

Uncertainty is a stressor.

It is my intention to get a new bicycle for exercise purposes. I will wait until it is warm to ride it, which will be before I get it, actually. I will wear shorts.

Wearing shorts is a stressor. I have male legs, yes, I am hairy like a hobbit there. That is okay, I am a guy. What isn't okay is skin the color of milk in the sunlight.

I do not tan and frankly, skin that hasn't seen sunlight in decades, as I always wear pants, could be scorched. I don't want sunburns, I do not want to look old. When my peers have lined faces, wrinkles and a general worn look, I don't.

Aging is a huge stressor. Can't stop it. It is the entropy of time. Time has passed, 38 years. you know, in the old days, like up until 1800, this was as long as people lived.

There is a remote possibility, cannot rule it out, that I will get a new girlfriend this summer. Will she be a stressor? If she's anything like Jen, yes, but I don't believe that is like that. I mean, everybody is different.

No, a girlfriend is like a salve, a panacea to stressed feeling. This is a benefit better than any medicine and the side effects aren't always bad.

It isn't going to happen, pragmatism says. I am not social. I don't go anywhere. When I do go somewhere, it is like a trouble storm. Driving is a huge stressor. Then other people.... the main reason I have anxiety disorder?

Being small and hobbit-like, I am not that appealing. I am not that small. I am 64.5 inches tall.

I honestly think, if I ever get a place of my own, something that scares me, honestly, I would be more open to getting a new girlfriend.

Why bother? If life stresses me, why bother?

This summer is going to be tough.

I will talk later about losing 10 lbs, can't lose any more because I would be underweight then.

I have been fooled into thinking exercise would help eliminate body pain.

Body pain, that is a very big stressor.