Changed

I changed the very look of my blog. Something different. I made a new star scene at Colour Lovers to fit the new style.

Why light colors? I don't always feel dark and troubled. I veg out sometimes or lose myself in writing stories. I listen to music to tune out things. The Skullcandy Hesh II headphones help in this.

I had given up on them when I had a cord issue but I got a new cord that is about as stiff as a coat hangar wire. It is a better cord, better transmission and sound to it.

I do not know if you like the new style. No one ever comments here despite the comment blank left there. It isn't there just for show.

I am feeling okay and the cold isn't so bad. For now, at least. Winter's not over yet.

Blah

It is true that I have not been feeling well. My scratch is healing but it still hurts.

What is worse, the weather. CNN said this time of the year is the average coldest for the whole USA. Boy, am I feeling it. It is 38 degrees F (that's 3 degrees C!) as I write this.

It is just the worst time of the year. The cold hurts, can't enjoy life because of dry skin and aches all over.

The cold damages the water pipes, harms our dogs and causes accidents, if it's icy.

Good things about the cold, perfect stillness, no mosquitoes or ants, longer nights.

I have been enjoying the longer nights. I don't like sunlight, you can see from my skin tone, I don't go out into the sun. I'll burn if I do, it's that fast.

I can feel the burn on my bare skin. That is a subject for a summer post so I'll hold off on UV radiation and my skin for now.

I hope to feel better. My hip doesn't hurt so much. I have always been stronger than that but this scratch... some how it had caused blah feelings. I could post another picture of it but do you want to see it?

I apologize if the booty pictures bother you. It is not my intention to bother anyone.

18 Degrees

It is my bedtime, yes, I sleep in the daytime roughly corresponding with the hours of a school day. This has to do with light, really, I won't go into why I won't sleep in a dark room.

It is 18 degrees F outside. That's -8 C and it feels it. I am so cold, not so badly because I am right by the heater but if I have to pee, something I do with great frequency, that bathroom is so cold.

My allergies are making me feel miserable. I am badly allergic to what is known as mountain juniper here, by far the most common tree in this area.

They pollinate when it is subfreezing and it's going strong right now.

I have lots of blankets for this reason. My body does NOT like cold. My feet especially. They get so cold, I wonder if they have stopped working but I can walk and stand fine. My toes tingle though.

Not so long ago, it was 80 outside. A  strong appealing temperature.

I am wearing the best sweatshirt I ever bought, a Wilson one I got 15 years ago. It is heavy and warm and that is what is needed here. I color matched it, lol, same color as my gray heather sweat pants.

It is going to stay cold for the foreseeable future. A miserable time.

Never never will I curse it when it is 99 degrees outside. I like just wearing my underwear and a T-shirt. Definitely not today.

I will go now and hopefully not be cold on my uncomfortable bed.

Cold Again.

As I write this, it is -5 Celsius outside. People in normally cold areas might say that's nothing but this isn't a normally cold area.

I can remember when I was a kid in the 80s when it was way colder than this. Haven't really seen that kind of cold since.

I have early memories of icicles off the front porch overhang. Seeing the town weather channel displaying a -9 F temperature. Snow, though it has snowed here several times since then.

It isn't unusual to see warm temperatures in the winter time. I can remember Februaries where it was 90 outside.

I wish it was now. I am not exactly comfortable when it is hot, not that 90 is hot by this area's standards, but hot weather doesn't hurt. My poor feet....

It was perihelion several hours ago. Closest to the Sun. The problem is, the Earth is tilted about 24 degrees. The part of it facing away from the Sun is our northern hemisphere's part. Winter just got going a few weeks ago.

It is a long time to March and April. Typically a time of storms here. You know how I feel about storms if you read this blog regularly.

This cold will persist for some time but it won't be this freaking cold very often.

I am a night owl, always have been. My 'day' is the coldest part of the night. I do sleep better when it is cold but that is not a reason to like it.

There hasn't been any ice...yet. There is talk of a possibility later in the week.

Until the floodgates of the arctic close, this will not be a pleasant week.

Waiting for 80s again. That is great, mid-80s. A comfortable temperature.

Really

People are insensitive and cruel. And you wonder why I have agoraphobia....

I got to a state where it doesn't mean anything. People do more harm than good with their reactions. Must think of outcomes to your decisions.

All we are is a race of stupid apes who were cursed with intelligence. Where do we fit in the natural world? Are we native to any one part of it? My DNA goes back to Western Europe only. I may be native to Tx but human beings are not naturally native to anywhere in North America.

Being a White American disconnects ties to distant ancestors. I likely have kin all over the east and back in the UK but I will never meet them.

I don't know. I wouldn't want to meet people I don't know. No one is really your friend.

Especially a female.

There, I said it. It isn't misogyny. I like women a lot, but their behavior is like ????? sometimes.

Curse me for my subscription to PH. It was paid for months ago. Budgeted, not that it is expensive.

KMT is the most expensive magazine to which I subscribe.

Aw, forget it. I like being a ghost and being a ghost, I shall be.

Ar-Ghost.

Feeling

I don't know what you are looking for here. Why read what I post? I reflect on my pain.

I had a dia-icky event yesterday and it was quite painful and particularly nasty. Dia-icky like that is not funny and was easy to wash away as I usually do. I do not use tp ever. I spray my tail end in the bathtub. It isn't as gross as it sounds.

I know there is too much sugar in my diet. I need it, feel miserable without it. It is why I have a belly, I know. That and not being very active.

This can be a bad thing. I am not as strong as I once was. I am older now and like the Spanish teacher in 11th Grade said, 'if you don't use it, you will lose it'. The same is true of your muscles.

I vaguely remember high school. It ended 20 years ago for me and my class, many of whom are my fb friends.

My memory is like an old computer memory that's full. Some is given up to make space for the new. If aging damages this like happens so often, I don't know what will happen.

I will age in an era of the 'singularity' if some people are to be believed. I read about things in Scientific American and wonder if they ever will be relevant in my life.

Probably not. I am mentally sick with anxiety disorder and agoraphobia and am on disability
because of it.

I will probably hide in my shell as I do now.

Ghostlike.

Unwelcome Cold

That fucking tropical storm, I forgot to look for a picture of it. I think it was called 'Nuri' or something like it.

It distorted the jet stream and let loose the bitter cold of the polar airmass flow down into the middle of North America weeks too early.

We were not spared. Where it was 80 yesterday, it is 48 as I write this in the afternoon.

That is the thing about tropical storms, they affect everything.

Hurricane Season ends at the end of the month. It is still likely, well, if environment is conducive for it.

I will be cold for a while. I have turned on my heater for the first time since last April.

I have to shave later, smh. Can't let it go on too long, becomes hard to shave it. I will man up and do it.

Too bad I can't post a picture of my peena when I am cold. I think it is funny as it retracts like that. Okay, no more goofiness.

I'm cold!

Irritated

Why?

Could be you who reads this.

I have not been feeling well. It has to do with the sugar death, bad diet, anxiety. I am having allergy problems. Sneezing hurts, you know.

That power outage really pissed me off. I felt revved up anxiety the whole time. It did not help that it was cold and my laptop's battery was going down quicker than the ones in my power hungry camera.

The sky was partly clear today but I didn't go outside except to feed the dog. I haven't felt sun on my skin in a week. Could this be why I feel bad? Vitamin D and all that? I avoid sunlight, I burn too easy but on a cool or cold day, it isn't so bad, if you are careful.

You can burn just as easy. UV radiation doesn't care what temperature it is. You have seen enough pictures of me, you know how pale I am.

I am not posting this week's shave check picture. I will the next one. I am hoping to see 'Interstellar' after my Tuesday shave if I don't butcher my skin too badly.

It is almost time to shave body but I seem to have misplaced the charger for the Bodygroom razor. I need to find it.

My birthday is in a couple of weeks. Another year went by and blah... I hope my 38th summer will be what I wanted this last one to be.

My holiday wish? A girlfriend.

So

It wasn't a Hate Sunday other than a negative NASCAR race's ending. I won't discuss car racing here.

I watched Payton Manning throw his record setting passes. It was a pleasure to watch. I never stopped liking football. I just hide it because an anti-football person lives here.

I did get too warm. I still have no way to do my laundry. It is building up. I have a pretty good wardrobe but I am running out of socks.

I feel okay but when I woke up today and sat up, I saw stars. This isn't good. What is up with my brain now? Not only is it stricken with the inability to do even simple math, it is anxiety-ridden.

I have been playing Spore a lot because it amuses me. I don't know why. Maybe because I have had it for so long.

I will say that I am okay for now. I will write about the sugar crisis later.

Not a Hate Sunday

It was all right today. Had a pretty normal day, not like yesterday fixing that fucking water line. I have to do that occasionally, under the house because pvc is a substandard building material.

I was able to write some, enjoy my music. I do have to help cook but that is an everyday thing for me.

I went to wm and there was the usual panic but it wasn't so bad because it was rather dead. The wm I worked in would be packed on a sunday and it probably still is as I write this.

It will storm later, a squall line. Thunderstorms stroke my anxiety like teasing the tiger. It will bite back. Unless the power goes out, a historical possibility here during storms, I will be all right.

I remember like 11 years ago, down the hill from here, I was on WebTV and the power went out, a beast of a storm outside. I peed on myself I was so scared. I won't forget that.

It hasn't really done that since but it will again eventually and I will be scared again, I admit. I know the elemental power of the weather. There is no reason not to be scared.

I have a weather radio because of that. I have weatherbug, pay attention to the NWS and the local tv stations in this area. Can't watch them if the storm is too bad, the directv goes out.

The dude on the local NBC station said it will pass through here quickly, which is typical of a springtime pattern, not autumn, which we presently are in.

Now tell me that people haven't fucked up the weather.

I forgot about the cyclone ravaging India. I would have posted a satellite picture of it but it takes some doing looking for the GOES floaters assigned to specific tropical systems.

I am glad Vongfong weakened to tropical storm level and is not ravaging Japan.

I will be here writing despite the storm. It will hit about the time I take a bath/shower. What joy would that be.

Hate Sunday

What is the matter on this Hate Sunday? My teeth. The sugar death has an effect surely. I do brush my teeth but not as often as I should. This began when my dental work started coming apart, the reason I have missing parts to my front teeth.

I sorely need to go to the dentist but it will be costly. I will need dental insurance, good insurance. I have problems.

I am self-conscious of my teeth. They don't look bad and have survived years of the powerful sweet tooth. I will start limiting the amount of sugary drinks I get. I can't stop them completely and fuck up my blood sugar, which I feel when I go without it for about a day.

Oh, I have been sad because of this, because of someone dear in the hospital, and the fact that MeUndies failed to have red briefs when they said they would, then told me that solid color won't be a part of the subscription anymore. I will reconsider my MeUndies subscription.

What upsets me more is that yes, I have vs panties. I wore my red ones and they fit better than MeUndies does. No skin showing from the edge along the inside thigh area. You may think it is strange but try it, unless you are grotesquely large in that area, it will be comfortable.

I am not different in that way, I just feel that comfort can be found in unexpected areas.

My teeth though. Valiant for more than 30 years. Is this when they give up?

This pain, if it behaves like the past, will fade eventually.

I took Tylenol and it helped but you can't take too much of those, or lest you have liver trouble and that is bad bad news.

For some strange reason, my male pain has subsided for now. I do have difficulty peeing but that is just because of the physical aspect of prostatitis or just plain aging.

I didn't have a shoe mistake again. I mean, what guy has more than 3 pairs of shoes? I do, mainly because my old New Balance work shoes I wore at wm are still good.

Hate Sunday.

Better?

I finally went and no dia-icky. No, instead, I must have lost 5 pounds. Yet again, my body lets it build up and ....

This REALLY hurt my prostate, I could feel it being crushed as I tensed in that reflex. Prostatic fluid was present, just like when Dr. H squished on it, the so-called 'prostatic massage'. I would rather step on a nail barefooted.

I shouldn't talk about digestive issues, I mean, it was funny but it went on too long. I don't like to poo but it is part of life for anything with a digestive system.

It has been too hot. My headphones (Skullcandy Hesh 2) have been sticking to my sweaty head. I have not been listening to my music and that irritates my soul.

Ants and mosquitoes too. You know how I hate cold weather but it would be welcome now to curb these fucking insects. My pasty skin marred by red bite marks from ants. Pick a part on me and I have been stung there. Yes, even there.

I am looking at a Nokia Windows phone. I mean I hate Windows 8 a lot but I learned to use it. Those freaking tiles...

Just so you know, it is a Go Phone. I have used Go Phone for many years now. It works better for me.

'Lucy'

I went to the theater yesterday. The first time I have been in 5 years. It is a smaller theater in a town I am familiar with. It was an afternoon matinee and there were only a handful of people there, none seated within 20 feet of me.

This enables me to go see movies. I cannot deal with crowds at all. I felt panicky but gave myself over to concentrating on watching the movie.

I went and saw 'Lucy'. I ordinarily don't go see movies, I mean, I have Starz and HBO, but I like Luc Besson's films and I like it when a female protag is in a movie like that.

It had a lot of animal imagery, then an unlikely ending. I won't give anything away other than it was pretty violent. Gunplay wise.

What if we could control time? Where would you go? If it was like Lucy could, I would go back to see Akhenaten and find out the truth from back then. Too many questions and I told you about questions and the dark place.

Oh, MeUndies has come up with a good design of the month for a change. Solid color briefs are fine most of the time but a pattern is all right sometimes.

It will be a year in September since I have subscribed to their plan, a pair of briefs, mostly S but their size chart has my size (31) as M. Both fit reasonably.

I could post a picture of me in them but gosh, do you want to see it?

I am wearing my red ones now, color matching with my red shirt.

About 'Lucy', I wonder how many people realized that it was Lucy the Australopithecine, not an ape in some scenes. The prehistoric Lucy, who is now just a fragmentary group of fossilized bones, was of a species that was either ancestral or concurrent with ancestors to our species. I have always believed that they were ancestral. Too much like us. Or we are like them. Australopithecines lived millions of years ago.

We peculiar humans have only been around for 100k years or so. A blip in geologic time.

Human evolution has always been an interest of mine. I have a book, 'From Lucy to Language' which strengthened my belief in it.

Why are we different? Questions. No more questions for today.

I liked the movie a lot. I'll get the Blu-ray when it comes out.

Russia

What about Russia? 

When I was a kid, I had this intense fear of a nuclear war. I was a child in the 80s and from this, I became unable to sleep without the radio on. This continues to this day. A power outage this morning caused me an ill time to sleep because the radio was off. 

Then the great Red Scare, the USSR, collapsed. I was 15 when it did and good, or was it? At least, you knew then who didn't like you.

Has this changed? Why would Putin behave like this if he did not harbor some delusion that the world should not have changed from the Soviet system.

I may not like unregulated capitalism but perverting communism into a tyranny ruins what should be a good idea. 

Russia now seems unstable, things like Ossetia apparently misbehaving and the situation in the Ukraine.

This situation seems stupid. It has been a long time now since the USSR collapsed on tv. Why wait until now to air this grievance about ethnic Russians? I am ethnically Western European but I am all Texan and American. I don't really care to go to the homeland of my DNA, it costs money and it would involve a plane ride. Forget that. 

I don't know what the deal is. When I was a kid, the Russians were the bad guy. Then the world changed and one doesn't know who the bad guy is. Terrorists? They are bad guys yes but terrorism is a crime. Different beliefs are not a crime. 

I hope this situation calms down. This year is the 100 year anniversary of the start of World War I. A similar situation could happen again if things get out of control. 

If the two World Wars taught you nothing, they should teach you the price of letting things get out of control. 

Is it that Bad?

Lately, it seems, I have written about the hurts I have, mentally and physically. I have a bad toothache but let's not talk about that.

I don't feel that bad all the time. I mostly distract myself with other things like games or writing. I don't want to be conscious of my pain.

Can't tune it out completely but it's all right.

I really can't talk about much else. I don't go outside. I could go out and take a picture of the pretty bluebonnets but that involves crossing a very busy highway on foot.

It hasn't been sunny lately to take a good picture of them.

I don't know if you would like a picture of flowers but bluebonnets are the state flower of Tx. It is a feeling of pride to see them but a non-Texan probably wouldn't understand that.

I don't really know who reads my blog so I cannot say.

And this person looking at it on an I-phone, what would a picture look like on that thing?

I will post a picture of the bluebonnets the next sunny day we have.

Appeal

You may or may not know that I subscribe to PH (Penthouse). I have for several years actually. Occasionally, they come up with an absolutely beautiful female pictorial.

What makes a female beautiful? All of them have breasts and a kitty, which ranges from cute to hideous. That really is not her fault no more is it your fault that you have a hideous hydraulic appendage that pokes out from your body in an obvious way.

To me, beauty is in her eyes, her face. Delicate, gracile, a charm she naturally has. Note that not every girl is beautiful in this way. It is every once in a while when an exception appears.

This is the March 14 issue of PH, she is on the cover, runner up to the 'Pet of the Year'. I voted for her last year because she was beautiful then and is now.

I will not post a picture of her (copyright and all that) and really, what I consider beautiful may not be what you do.

That is not to say that I don't like her body. I like smaller, natural assets. A female with massive breasts can be grotesque. 

Hips are also a beautiful thing. Of course, that is the morphology of her pelvis.

I have seen my pelvis on a CT scan. It is like a large cup where a female's is like a bowl.

I am attracted to blonde females, I mean, Jen is blonde.

But girls are willful and cruel creatures and sometimes it doesn't work out.

It is okay to appreciate her appeal.

If I saw her in real life, oh gosh, have you ever seen the scene in Final Fantasy IX where Alexander closes his wings around the castle? My anxiety feathers would do the same thing. Avoidance.

Cold Again

It was all right for a few days. Didn't even need to turn on the heater and put on my Hanes Premium sweatshirts. I mean, it would get worse in the next to days and I would have to put on my sweater.

But as this Weather Channel (despite its awful excuse for a tv channel booted from Directv) graphic shows why it is unseasonably frigid in Tx.

The jet stream, which you can see by the wind paths all but spills Arctic air down into the continental US. I mean, sure, it will get down to 19 or so tomorrow night but that's mild compared to the northern states.

I get cold so easy. I am a warm weather creature. We can laugh about this when it is June and 105 outside.

Animals

I am not so big on animals. I mean, we are all children of the planet. Unless you believe the Lavos theory put forth in the Chrono Trigger/Cross story.

My favorite animal is the cheetah. Why? I like cats, yes, but this cat is ideally suited for what it does, carved by evolution for this purpose. Yes, the cheetah affirms belief in evolution. Its spotted yellow hide is cool as well.

I have another favorite animal. I saw one in the SA Zoo when I was a kid. The sad tale of the polar bear. As human activity fucks up the planet's hydrological and climate systems, the arctic thaws more every year. This beast, an ideal predator, is losing territory. They aren't fit for life on the open sea nor where it is warm. The poor polar bears may be gone when I am elderly.

I like their white fur, ultraviolet absorbing dark skin, their claws and bears are cool to look at. Another creature shaped by evolution to adapt to its environment.

I will talk about GMO food and the like later.

Curiousity

I am curious about who reads this blog. Indonesia? Really? I don't know anyone from that part of the world.

Can you not comment and say 'hi'?

Why just read what I post? My life is a boring one. I write about personal things and things that interest me. If you go back in the archive, you can see the Storm of Jen, my troubles that led me to leave walmart now over 3 years ago.

I rarely go outside unless it is at night, the sky is clear and stars are great here. I took out some garbage a few hours ago and saw the Milky Way spread across the sky, our galaxy. Huge, swirly, dominant.

Astronomy is my first and deepest love.

I don't really have a social life. I have anxiety disorder and agoraphobia.

I write stories, I play games, I always listen to music.

Outside of cooking and other tasks, I do not do much more than that.

I have gotten where I can drive again. 5 years ago this month, I was in a car accident. I was not hurt but my anxiety became much worse. I almost committed suicide in August of 08. I don't feel like that now but I am melancholy by nature.

If you want to know more about me, I mean, if you read this blog, you pretty much know about me, let me know.

It is kind of rude to visit and not say 'hi'.

Warm

It is August. Yes, it's supposed to be hot. In this part of Tx, it is extremely hot in the late summer. I remember summers persisting up to November. Was like 95 on Halloween back in 1997. I was working out in it, as the back room of the store I worked in then was not air conditioned.

Air conditioning. I don't like it, actually. I feel cold when exposed to it. I feel cold and feeling cold is intolerable.

How do I feel when cold? Numb, shivery. Parts of me fully retract. I am 37 years old, when cold, I shrivel up to my prepubescent size. That would be embarrassing if anyone saw it.

But cold is an unpleasant memory. It is 82 at 3 am as I write this. If you went outside, you'd feel warmth and humidity. That is summer here.

Blazing in the sun. I don't go outside because of my agoraphobia but even if I did not have it, I burn in the sun, being a pasty white guy. I once read that people's freckles faded as they became adults. Mine have not, in fact, I have new ones.

I look cute for my age because I stayed out of the sun.

I wonder how my friends will look as we age because they were in the sun a lot.

I don't mind warm/hot weather. Every summer of my life has been hot. August is my favorite time of the year, actually.

It will be cold again and that is NEVER welcome. My feet go numb in the cold and don't warm up until the cold is over. I take baths hot enough to turn my pasty skin red. I like that, looks cool.

How do you feel about hot weather? I know many who bitch about it. Hey, you can deal with hot weather but never can wear enough to keep warm in the winter.