Reasons

I have suicidal feelings. It is important to learn some things about me:

I have always intended that when my mom was gone, Id be too. It's been nearly 3 years since. Why am I still here?

I am alone here since my sister left. I do not know if I will ever see her again. Alone is bad, my anxiety is worse and I can't do anything. 

My SS benefit is too small for everything so food suffers. I have lost over 14 lbs and I am constantly hungry, tend to overeat. 

The torn labrum in my right hip will never heal. It hurts constantly and yet, I can still walk but it's getting harder. 

I cannot pay my bills because of a sent check is in fedex's hands and they are slow. 

I have anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. They will be the death of me if I don't choose to end it first. 

I have no intention of ending my life but if the feeling gets worse, may cross a line from which there is no return. 

Another

My mom is in the hospital again. Unlike before, this is an existential thing.

I must say I have never been too far from her. She needs the help but also my mental stability. 

I never had a life of my own. I don't have a female love nor children. I don't really contribute to the Greater Good. 

So I have recurrent suicidal thinking. I won't do it yet. I have to believe my mom will get better.

I don't have stability. I try to do my normal things and it causes a lot of emotional pain  because my mom is not there. 

It is unseemly for a guy to cry. Fuck that patriarchal bs. I do cry. It hurts a lot. 

I know she will be gone one day. I do not know if I will survive that. 

I am here. I am not going to hurt myself but the feeling is there. I don't want to cause anyone pain like I feel. A lot of people know me but do not know this.

Then this war in Israel bothers me. That and water scarcity like we had when rthe single water feed pipe for the whole town ruptured. It's fixed but no one trusts the water. Then the lake is drying up because it's been so dry. You can count on one hand how many times it has rained here since the beginning of the year. 

That's going to continue. Humanity cannot be changed. So the Earth will change to wipe us out. Just think of next summer when it's 130 degrees outside. 

No other species deserves extinction more. 

Holiday?

It must be said I do not have a family of my own. I don't have a companion or children. My life now is duty to my mom.

I see families on tv, multiple kids, a wife and happiness. I do not have this. 

Why? I have always been shy. It became agoraphobia over time. I developed anxiety disorder and had to quit walmart because I was stressed to the point of harming myself with a box cutter. I started but remembered my faith. It saved me. 

I'm not particularly religious and I am much too much into science but I still believe. 

I have one relationship with a female in Ghana. I am not ready to talk about Sala.

I do not know if I could have a companion. Strange people affect my anxiety. If my own Aunt does, what do you think a stranger would do? 

I was reminded when my mom was in the hospital last summer that I cannot live on my own. I could not deal with the constant fear, even if it is not justified. Anything can cause it, even memories, my own heartbeat, or a dog barking. 

I don't do much. I sit here and listen to music or play Spore. Yes, I do tire of it after so many years. 

Years ago I found it easy to get into a sexual relationship. But I'm not so cute now. 

I get anxiety when a female looks at me. I abhor attention. It's not a natural behavior but I am mentally ill yet still rational. I'm not that kind of sick. 

I don't pay attention to the tv. I listen to it. But the news bothers me and I just tune it out.

I could talk to someone, maybe. I don't know. I have a cell phone.

I am strongly attracted to females. I am not funny that way like my dad said for years because I didn't have a girlfriend. I still don't.

I don't know if I could. I cannot stand drama. It and driving are the two biggest irritants to driving.

My 2nd covid vaccine shot is soon. I will be 'fully' vaccinated in June some time. What is the point? I don't go out but a handful times in a month and that is mainly to check the mail.

I did it because it is a civic duty. The nebulous fear of coronavirus but my own natural avoidance helps me like that. I have been avoidant since I was teenager.

When my mom is gone, my duty ends and pain and grief will destroy me. What is the point in living after that?

What is the point now?  

Troubled

This started on Feb 3rd.

Like every 3rd, I pay my bills, get my medications, get my MeUndies. 

But I had to pay the po box fee and I renewed my subscription to Archaeology, which I have read since I was a kid. This was $77 together. 

So I go get my phone minutes and hygiene things at wm. I got a movie as I normally do. This was $71 altogether, mainly because hygiene things tend to be expensive. 

I failed to get my T-Mobile data pass. I may be unable to write this if I waited too long. It's $50. 

Then we went to get groceries. It costed exactly all the money I had left, $326. Why? What the hell? This is almost half more than typical. The biggest cost of our groceries is meat, outrageous labor costs passed on to consumers.

The orange baboon says the economy is better than ever. Maybe if you had the disease of affluence. 

Poor people like us do not have any benefit from this economy. We don't have any cost of living relief, rather, it's harder to get by more so than any point in my life. 

It's not that we like expensive things. It is labor costs somewhere along the chain of supply. 

It is maybe not good to eat meat but it is also not good to eat only plants. In moderation, as in all things. 

We buy for the month, not for a week. 

Also, on Feb 3rd five years ago, my dad passed away. I have been dealing with memories and grief.

Same pain I have for a friend I knew since childhood who died on April 9th last year.

No, I don't honor their memories by feeling pain but I cannot help it. My empathy is too powerful. 

I feel stressed by these things. I feel maybe I can't deal with it. I am afraid. 

Anxiety disorder is fear. Always fear. The med helps but not totally. 

I have had suicidal thoughts. I resist them. I have a duty, a promise made to my dad. I will be there for my mom always. 

But these things ain't helping. 

I'm not ready to be a real ghost yet.

 

 

Mortality

I turned 44. I had an average day but it has been colored by when I had a stomach-diarrhea illness for a few days caused by pizza cheese and my lactose intolerance. 

Note not all pizzas harm me. I can tolerate those from Pizza Hut and I will try Little Caesar's soon. Though pizzas are hardly good eating and eating is one thing I think about more as I get older. 

A lifetime of processed food, the damage, if there is any, has already been done. 

I hadn't really thought about my own mortality. I do have hypertension but I take my medications. 

Then earlier in the year, a woman I had known from early childhood died being nearly a year younger than I am. 

That has bothered me since. I know what we choose to eat is important but it is dictated by what I can afford. Usually nothing good. 

This day was typical but I am reminded of how one can be forgotten in the meaninglessness of their own lives. Yes, I said meaningless because most humans are. 

We should have stayed apes. 

I am okay. I don't have any pains worth mention. I do have low energy but this was because I haven't eaten much since being sick like that. I wear MeUndies. I do not want to soil them so I didn't wear them, no C-In2 for that. 

As the usual decline in food, prevented by choices in frozen food and vegetables, goes on to the end of the month, typically a spare and uncomfortable time. 

All I can say is thank goodness for Aldi. 

But if we understand, this modern life of ours is unsustainable. I see this in the very few times I go somewhere.

I mainly just sit here. (I also stand a lot)

So the anniversary of a Wednesday in the mid 70's really only means one more step to mortality. 

Cruel Summer

It has been a while, I know. I have had a rough summer becoming homeless in april and staying in a shelter until july and here I am now at my sister's horrible place not far from the rural wasteland in which I used to live.

We should have a home soon. Possibly a new used car since ours was repo'ed last year. It was on its last legs anyway, a back wheel was liable to disintegrate because of a brake issue. 

About my male pain, it is worse than ever. Though on some days, it hurts less than others. Masturbation helps though I cannot do it often because it hurts. 

I will post more about what happened later. I might talk about my penis too, maybe. 

Hurting More

I have been hurting more. I am 40 now and I guess it doesn't matter.

What does 40 mean? Getting old? Does it mean nothing but another year?

I hurt in my prostate area as usual. I don't go to the doctor as I have medicare and it doesnt cover prostate exams until age 50.

Also, a doctor sticking his finger in my booty is not a desirable thing at all. That is the best way to see if the prostate gland is swollen as mine is sometimes. Pressing on it is a kind of agony. Causes one to wet themselves too. 

I have come to despise my male parts. My left testicle is often swollen too, it's all connected. I don't know what this means. It causes my scrotum to be heart shaped, though I will share that a picture of that only on request.

Would I seriously have my male parts removed? If I was wealthy, it would have already been done but I am not so I am stuck with it. 

Does a penis define a male?

Something has to.  

I'll post a picture of mine if anyone asks.

Aging

I will be 40 soon.

I feel a fear of the 40s because too many times, I have noticed in other peoples' lives, bad things happened in their 40s.

I cannot say that it will happen to me but given my chronic prostatitis that doesn't go away and the constant fear I feel, it might happen.

I already feel arthritic-like pain in my hands and knees and hips and ankles. My feet hurt on occasion.

My consumption of sugary drinks is causing ill effects. I can't drink the tap water, it tastes bad and has caused kidney problems in the past.

My DNA report said I am most supsceptible to gout arthritis. Then again, I have favorable odds of developing Type 2 Diabetes as well. The sugary drinks are only strengthening those odds. 

I remember what it was like to be a teenager. I was a teenager between 1988 and 95. Think of how the world changed then. I did not hurt, well, I developed a stomach ulcer when I was 19, but that was an early manifestation of the effects that anxiety had on me. 

I never could talk to a girl I liked. I couldn't go out, though I had a job then in a store. I was avoidant then.

I have been sick like that for a long time. Anxiety is hardwired in my soul. It was only drawn into the light by stress in my time at wm. 

Been sitting here for most of that time. Every day is the same in some ways. But it is Sunday that one feels reflective. Always seems to be that way.

I didn't have a computer until 2003. I have had one since, I have 3 of them now. My laptop was smashed, I have conflicting feelings about getting it fixed. 

I have a HP Stream 11, which isn't much good for anything other than writing, which, mainly is the purpose of having a computer for me. 

How has the computer changed my life? I used to write on paper. I used to listen to my cd player all the time. I am starting to listen to it again, though my main music thing is in this computer. 

My life has been just that, write, listen to music. I watch little tv. I used to abhor going outside and I still do to a degree, but I have a place to write that isn't too bad. 

My anxiety disorder and agoraphobia are as bad as ever. I wonder if they will beat my genetics in causing the decline. 

Decline, for the moment, I am still 39. Not even middle aged yet. 

It makes me extremely sad if I think about it so I don't.

Male Pain Again

I didn't really want to talk about it but I am hurting more than normal recently. I just had to crap and that REALLY hurt. Add to that, it is very cold in the bathroom at the moment.

Taking a shower in that cold bathroom is no fun either. Shiver until the water warms.

I was told three things to manage this pain. Dr. H emphasized number 3 on this list.

1. Take Motrin. I cannot take ibuprofen, it hurts my stomach. 

2. Take a hot bath, which I can't when it is so cold. The cold steals away the heat fast. 

3. Masturbate. I try not to do it too much, it always hurts afterward. And plus, cold.... 

Why did Dr. H tell me to do that? Well, prostatic fluid builds up over time and is subject to infection. I had one of these before and it is like stinging fire combined with a migraine in your pelvis. 

Have to release ever so often or get sick again.

I know it is a hard subject to talk about. It is part of being male, sure. I am cursed with this pain that is always there, just a little more harsh now. 

2 things will kill excitement in that area.

1. Anxiety, a panic attack will shut things down like an iron hammer coming down.

2. Cold. My body does NOT like cold at all.

Sure, I can get it to work, but maintaining when it's so cold? Nope.

Ha, if you could see it now, it is not in the excited state at all. I'm cold.

Short of posting a picture, that will have to do.

My male pain should subside eventually back to the dull ache I always feel there. I wonder about the day it doesn't subside. What then?

Ever go to the doctor for this? Embarrassing ain't the word for it.

Possible Cause

I am having trouble sleeping, woke up way too early. I don't feel well, having the prostate problem again.

I just read that chronic prostatitis (which is what I have) may likely be caused by tension. Well, yeah, this started when I worked at wm. A never ending pain in the center of my pelvic area that subsides to a tolerable pain most of the time and, like now, intensifies into a burning ache that cannot be described in simple terms.

I have to pee often, 3 times in the last 2 hours and it isn't like my bladder was full. Still, had to go, it was what made me get up way too early.

I have noticed some kinds of underwear make it hurt more than normal. I will stick to my MeUndies and C-IN2 briefs because they don't hurt me.

I have come to hate my male parts. I feel a constant need, which is natural, but I have no female friend like that. I don't have a female friend in person at all.

That could be why I feel so bad.

The tension is caused by my anxiety disorder. I cannot avoid it. I wish someone would show me how to relax the tension.

Really, think what? I hurt, no thinking involved.

Feelings

I have moments when the shame and depression get to me. I do not talk about certain things because someone might get upset and think it is a suicide plea.

I have a belief that things will make sense one day.

I have a desire to love again.

I have just the protective things I have, music, people leaving me alone. I let the stress get to me.

I was in the bath when they came, gosh, I mean, they could see my peena for a moment. I had a panic attack and stood in the rain to chill.

I am not going to post any more negative posts. I will not hurt myself like that. I am clumsy and have accidents. Cooking... I seem to get burned a lot. The ant bite scars on my leg and scrotal skin. Blemishes.

I do not have anything that I can hurt myself intentionally with. I avoid those things. I avoid letting stress get to me like that by my belief that this wasn't meant to happen.

I have a girl's mental illness. You can say anyone can get anxiety disorder but it is a primarily female condition. Why? What happened to make it so bad?

I have always been shy. Shy to the point of working instead of going to the prom. I never learned to swim because I didn't want to wear swim trunks. When I was a young teenager, there was an incident and ... some things don't need to be remembered.

The house down the hill we used to stay in. The door's hinges were broke. When air pressure changes, like in a thunderstorm, it popped off. It did one day when it was raining really hard.

I took off my clothes and put on my sister's bf's shorts, I don't own any shorts. That dude was much bigger than me.

I ran around the house to get the door but when I did so, the shorts fell off. Naked me in front of the highway.

You have seen pictures of my skin, you know I am pale to max. More so back then in my 20s.

I wouldn't care if you saw me naked now. I got to the point of thinking, I am just a guy. When in totality, my peena is not that big when anxiety-retracted when compared to my body. It would be anxiety-retracted if someone saw me.

I have always been that way. Probably always will. I never used a communal shower. I never use a urinal in the public bathroom. I just have that kind of shyness. It isn't prudism.

I will be okay. I have defense mechanisms if I feel too bad.

My cousin said I was a bad person. Really? I haven't contributed to human extinction through overpopulation. I never hurt anyone. I just avoid the things that cause my anxiety to uncoil.

If you are worried about me, e-mail me, call me, the relevant ones have my number. I will be okay. I will be okay, really.

I am upset that my ps2 has come but the post office didn't deliver it. I will get it tomorrow, even if I have to ask the postmaster.

I will talk about the cyclone threatening the Philippines later.

This bad personal stuff in my blog sullies it, imo.  

Hurting More

I don't know what it is. I have been eating as I should instead of once a day and started eating wheat bread again because I am not getting enough fiber, evident when I go to the bathroom.

I am hurting in the familiar place, my prostate area, male pain. Something has irritated it. Did I drink a soda? Yes, from Walgreens, a fountain Pepsi. I was thirsty. Should have got water, I know.

But I was hurting before that.

I was told two things to make the pain go away. One is to take a very hot bath, which I do in the night. It does help for a while. The other thing was to do the m-thing or have sex more. Well, the sex thing isn't happening so I have to rely on myself.

Make no mistake, my parts work. However, when I am hurting, I can't get excited. It isn't ED, I could get excited despite the pain with the proper stimulation. (Malee did it with her mouth) I like that, but what guy doesn't?

I would be careful about allowing that again. If it is a bacterial infection making my male pain hurt more than normal, which is hardly rare, I don't want to risk being with another person.

What girl would want to be with me? I am on disability, I have a car but it is destroyed, I have the teeth thing, I have anxiety disorder, I am sort of out of shape.

Gosh, I was wore out after going to the Laundromat yesterday. That was both picking up and carrying that heavy basket and anxiety. Could doing that made my pain worse?

I don't know. I do need to go to the doctor but parts of my medicare do not mature for a few month. I need to see Urology but they don't take medicare, the greedy bastards.

I did write a 'pelvic shave check' post and even put a picture in it. Would you like to see it? Let me know.

I don't know if this pain will persist. I will go to ER if there is blood in my pee or the pain gets too bad. It is almost there.

But it is embarrassing to go to the ER with this problem when there are injured and sick people there.

Also, I don't want that icky lubrication gel they use on my MeUndies. I reconsidered because I did need a red pair, the origin of this conflict, and finally broke down and ordered a pair. I feel alienated by them but hey, it's underwear. It's not a big deal.

I am not a 'man'. I am male. To me, there is a distinction. What makes me male? Male parts? Body plan? Addled mushy brain? Anxiety has distorted my self-image for a long time. I am male, yes, and will stay that way until the next life.

Anxiety Says

What do I think I when I see on tv, the people fighting over a new tv or other crap on sale? I worked in walmart for exactly 4 years and 1 day and I saw this so-called 'Black Friday' effect in action.

Like animals, the herd moves forward, crushing others and everything else in the way just to get a new tv or some other thing they could afford to get if they just were smart about their budget.

I am deeply distrustful of item on sale with discounts exceeding 50%. My many years in retail tell me that such discounts only mean that the store wants to get rid of it.

Why? Overstock? A glut of cheap Chinese-made crap? What is the targeted group for what is on sale? A new tv? What's wrong with yours?

I needed a new tv last year, mine finally perished with age and use. I went out and got an led hdtv for about $160. And this was in April, not in November. I budgeted for a new tv.

Selling them at huge discounts should be taken as something to be considerate of. It isn't going to be a top of the line Sony or Samsung tv.

I am not saying stuff on sale is bad. That is always a good thing but why are these stores so dependent on one day to have such a sale?

I would not dare to enter the herd frenzy to buy anything. Not that I have any money this time of the month but provoking my anxiety disorder for 'on sale' items is not worth it.

I order online so I don't have to go to the store. I feel panic in a store, I actually peed on myself when in walmart last. Didn't realize it until I got in the truck.

I have the prostate thing, yes, but how much of this was anxiety? It is the stress of anxiety disorder that damaged my prostate.

I can't go anywhere, do what I want. Even when I have money, I can go to my hometown where anxiety isn't so bad. But I am from a small town (less than 7k people, less so when I was a kid) and it is familiar.

Some things have changed but overall, it's not bad.

Peeing on myself happens when I have retention, I am panicked, or when I really have to go. I can't hold it very long but I usually don't let that happen. I pee much too often.

I remember a teacher when I was in high school who had that happen to him. Everyone made fun of him but I have empathy and always have. I wanted to know why that happened. Now I know.

I won't consciously soil myself. I don't like to be dirty, ever.

Going to the store is the hardest thing I do on a frequent basis, like every month. I try not to let my anxiety show. I have lived with it for many years now.

Getting trampled for something on sale....

I just don't understand it. I hope these holiday sales are abysmal and teach these stores a lesson.

Unchecked greed has consequences.

Feeling

I don't know what you are looking for here. Why read what I post? I reflect on my pain.

I had a dia-icky event yesterday and it was quite painful and particularly nasty. Dia-icky like that is not funny and was easy to wash away as I usually do. I do not use tp ever. I spray my tail end in the bathtub. It isn't as gross as it sounds.

I know there is too much sugar in my diet. I need it, feel miserable without it. It is why I have a belly, I know. That and not being very active.

This can be a bad thing. I am not as strong as I once was. I am older now and like the Spanish teacher in 11th Grade said, 'if you don't use it, you will lose it'. The same is true of your muscles.

I vaguely remember high school. It ended 20 years ago for me and my class, many of whom are my fb friends.

My memory is like an old computer memory that's full. Some is given up to make space for the new. If aging damages this like happens so often, I don't know what will happen.

I will age in an era of the 'singularity' if some people are to be believed. I read about things in Scientific American and wonder if they ever will be relevant in my life.

Probably not. I am mentally sick with anxiety disorder and agoraphobia and am on disability
because of it.

I will probably hide in my shell as I do now.

Ghostlike.

A Genuine Fear

My cousin says it is not bad if I remain single and have no children in my life. I am sure she is not the only one with this opinion.

However, is this why I have a benefit for my anxiety? That I can't have a normal life because of it? I can't. I told you about attention. I don't like it, it makes me uncomfortable.

I do not like using a phone. I have a LG Neon, a phone made to text, not a smartphone with a bunch of stupid applications. I would rather text, I can say it in writing better.

I don't know. I fear that it will end without anything. I don't know if I could have children.

This is not just because of anxiety. I could, after some familiarity, be with a female. Or through anti-anxiety med, it is possible but that has side-effects, especially in the sex department.

My prostate gland is stress damaged. My parts still work but the pain is ever-present. I do not know if my seminal fluid is viable. Why wouldn't it be? I don't recall it ever being tested. If I ever return to urology, I will ask.

I worry that I will be alone in my elder life. I will have the internet, whatever form it takes then, but that isn't the same.

What is the point in having an elder life if one did not contribute? That is my fear.

I have a hope that I will meet a new girlfriend some time. It is just that, I wouldn't come out of my shell for just anyone.

I don't want to be alone in my elder life.

Feeling

I could go out and hang myself right now. I am feeling that way. But I have things I want to do. It is only a few days when I can go to the store and get my hair cut and finally do my laundry.

I hate being male.
I hate other peoples' apathy
I hate physical pain in my pelvic area
I hate breathing
I hate peeing
I hate anxiety I cannot control.

What does this mean? Has it come to the breaking point? Not really. I lack the materials needed to hang myself. I can remedy this in a few days.

I have no children, no love, no family of my own. I turn 40 a year from my b-day this year.

I may not look it but I am older. I feel it. Of course, that can be inactivity. Do you think I am going out into the sunlight to 'exercise'? You must be joking.

Near the beginning of the month, I received the new issue of 'Archaeology'. I said I will read it when I do my laundry. It has rested on that table for almost a whole month, the time in which I have not been able to do my laundry.

If I killed myself, laundry wouldn't matter. Nothing would, hardly a change from what life is like for me now.

I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye.

Distress

I have a cyclical problem. it is related to my anxiety disorder like all of my problems are. I said I would not post complaints here again but this isn't a complaint, this is an expression of the pain I feel.

I have a long memory now. I can remember when life wasn't so bad. I was the only male grandchild for a long time (until I was 12). Much beloved. Then they were gone. Through cancer or old age, they were gone and have been gone for more than 20 years.

Now, my life hasn't changed that much since I left wm. Every day it is the same bs. But in the times I was here alone, it was sheer discomfort and panic. I have never been alone.

I don't know if I could deal with it. I do not have a girlfriend and I question if I could even have one. What would she think of me, stuck in my shell? My time with Jen taught me a few important lessons and not the obvious ones like cruelty and indifference (Which are the same to me).

I have no money. When you are on a fixed income, it goes fast. Things cost more, especially meat. Why the fuck do I have to keep eating meat? Do you know how much chicken costs? I can't find an economical good alternative to meat.

My SS is supposed to be about me. Why does it go to these others? "Oh, I need something." Can't say no, don't want to be a bad person, the guilt would provoke anxiety.

I suppose if I killed myself, it would stop and how would it affect them? I am a bad person because I wanted the pain to stop?

Not just anxiety pain. I have a constant pain in my uro-g tract. Not an infection like girls get, prostatitis. It never goes away. It is so uncomfortable to pee. You have to pee, frequently if you are hydrated. It hurts me to do so, then the drip. I have a shave check picture of my pubic area and I had a pee drip, ruining it.

I am upset but not like you get upset. I feel upset because of my pain.

I cannot wash clothes. I haven't been to the Laundromat since October the 3rd. My wardrobe cannot support this lengthy time between washing. I am having to wear the same sweat pants, that isn't so bad. I will not run out of shirts or underwear, I am almost out of socks. I cannot deal without socks.

Now my skin is breaking out. More blemishes on my pale hide, as if the fading ant bites weren't enough.

This has never happened before. I don't know how to deal with it. I sit here in a shirt and my MeUndies. Should my Aunt visit or I am called to go feed the dog outside, oops. I have boy parts you know, big deal.

Anxiety would not let me go where others can see me like that.

I am not shy like that and I wonder if age is gentle to me as it has been so far, will it be a big deal.

This cyclical pain causes self-hate, self-injury, despair, and physical pain.

I have no one to talk to. The internet? Don't be funny. It is a faceless bulletin board in the broadest sense of the term.

I will sit here and try not to hurt myself. I may have a story to write.

When you read this, what do you think? The comment blank below isn't there just for show.

So

It wasn't a Hate Sunday other than a negative NASCAR race's ending. I won't discuss car racing here.

I watched Payton Manning throw his record setting passes. It was a pleasure to watch. I never stopped liking football. I just hide it because an anti-football person lives here.

I did get too warm. I still have no way to do my laundry. It is building up. I have a pretty good wardrobe but I am running out of socks.

I feel okay but when I woke up today and sat up, I saw stars. This isn't good. What is up with my brain now? Not only is it stricken with the inability to do even simple math, it is anxiety-ridden.

I have been playing Spore a lot because it amuses me. I don't know why. Maybe because I have had it for so long.

I will say that I am okay for now. I will write about the sugar crisis later.

Where I Hurt

In this picture is male anatomy. Forgive me but it is here to show where I hurt.

Notice where the prostate gland is.


In this picture, it is very clear as to why pooing is so painful for me. It is right by the rectum. I have read in many places, stimulating a male's prostate gland is sexually pleasing.

Not so for me. My prostate is a clarion bell of pain, it radiates out from there.

The blue area in the picture is where I hurt when I pee, warm acid feeling and I guess sphincter pain. It feels like it resisted opening sometimes. That's not good, is it?

I remember when Dr. H performed a 'prostate massage' in 2009. He squished it with considerable force, causing me to have an extremely embarrassing reaction. Made a mess, actually.

He said that this must be done every once and a while. However, the urology clinic won't help me with medicare. (What good is it, then?)

My male parts function normally otherwise. I could have a sexual encounter if anxiety did not prevent it. Anxiety can kill excitement like a switch. This happened in my last sexual experience in mid-action. That was so embarrassing, I could feel the beet red blush on my face. I never could do it again with her (Malee).

I have only had 3 girlfriends in my life. One was when I was 24 and Jen.... with whom I had no physical relation. Malee was not my friend, she was a sex friend. I cannot justify having one of those again. It gets too complicated.

I would like my parts removed. All of it but they are not likely to do that without a medical need. I need them if I am to ever have a child.

I saw on CNN today about an old corrupt elderly politician running for Congress. He has a 25 year old 'wife' and a 1-year-old son by him.

This is why I cannot rule it out. I am only 38. I just can't with anxiety.

Arthelius the Ghost, who has no male parts that are tangible, said, 'Not having the constant need is like 'purity'.'

I guess I will not achieve 'purity'.

Sensitive Question

Do you take pictures of your private parts? I do. Mainly shave check pictures and see how my skin is doing in this summer of skin irritation, bug bites, and the general aging of my parts.

I cannot post such pictures here. Well, I could, but you would get the idea that I am a perv and I am not.

I am not shy about my parts. I mean, they have been kneaded, ultrasounded, CT Scanned, even had a fiber-optic camera in there once. Ever got a shot in the glans of your peena? I did, the anesthetic they used that numbed feeling so they could put a camera there.

It will likely be done again if I can go back. I don't know. Something has to be done, I am having urinary trouble more than ever.

I won't post a picture of my parts unless someone asks. Given the history of this blog, no one will.