Worry Pain

I am too sensitive. I have always been. I have ever-more debilitating anxiety disorder and am on disability for it. This is shameful but understand that I cannot just 'go out'. Enough has been written here about that over the years so I won't go back over that. 

I am a guy who hates stepping on snails. There are many around here for whatever reason and snails are not insects or arthropods. They are cephalopods and they deserve respect, some insects do not. 

I am afraid of scorpions, I always have been after being stung as a small child. That memory is still vivid 35 years later. 

I worry a lot. Last Friday, my sister 'borrowed' $123 from me to pay her truck insurance. I have 3 venlafaxine left and that money was to pay for my refill. So now I face withdrawal from a powerful anxiety medication and the return of the feelings I cannot deal with. 

This is ever worse because of something I call doofus Trump. I am very worried about him and what he might do like fuck with Social Security, which is my livelihood. 

Also, I have a gay friend. What happens when no one serves him because it is acceptable in doofus Trump America to discriminate against people of 'unacceptable' sexual orientations? 

The same applies to people of color. They are no less human than anyone else just because they don't look like you. All humans are 99% genetically identical. 

I don't like Islam but those refugees are people. Will it be okay to victimize them more than they have been already?

People who have come to the US from Latin America are not always from Mexico. They escape conditions that may arise here in the US because of doofus Trump. 

America is hopelessly divided. I am on the blue side. I do not feel shame that I am politically liberal or that I support the Democratic Party. I always will. My central belief is helping people, why I have always worked in a store. 

I am afraid doofus Trump will trigger a nuclear war. I have been afraid of a nuclear war since I was a child. I started to listen to the radio all the time then, something that continues to this day and ever after. 

I am afraid he will pull the US out of NATO and get cozy with that monster Putin. Russia was never our friend, I believe that. The security of the West, Europe, the US depends on a strong alliance that has persisted for many years and should always exist.

Angering the Chinese with trade tariffs and economic cuts will drive up prices here, in the US, where things are already getting more expensive. What if they draw a line and doofus Trump goes over it? Would they attack the US?

I worry about all of this. I worry that this situation parallels the ascension of Hitler in the early 1930s. Is doofus Trump really that racist? Seems so. 

I agree with the protestors. I agree that this is bad for America. I agree that misogyny is unacceptable. I will stand up for women as if for no one else. 

What do you know of doofus Trump? For years, he has manipulated his way to success, not caring who he stepped on. He talks like an idiot, more interested in insulting people and inciting violence than talking about policy.

The man is a real estate mogul. He calls himself an expert of business when much of his wealth is inherited. He has hurt people.

Why did Ivana leave him? His misogyny or something more? I could find out but I do not want to look up doofus Trump.  

Speaking of that, that woman, Melania. What of her? She isn't really an American and will be the first lady. It is a sad joke.  

10 years of an ineffectual congress. It didn't change. Now they will rubber stamp whatever ill conceived policy for doofus Trump, their 'ally' who isn't really a republican, you'd see if you paid attention to him in the past. 

They are protesting in Austin right now. If I had a car, I'd go down there and protest with them. 

I am afraid of this whole situation. The things I have discussed here.

I am afraid doofus Trump might lead me into hurting myself. I can't deal with some things. 

I am too sensitive, yes. I am a cat person, too. I am afraid of attention and maybe of women, too. I feel panic when one takes an interest in me. 

Panic sweat. Shaking. Tachycardia. I have high blood pressure now. Inherited from my father. Will my anxiety disorder kill me? Seems likely. 

I avoid salt as much as possible but it is not easy. I should exercise but when just going outside is hard, how? I am staying in an awful RV not far from where I had lived for 15 years. Some things haven't changed. 

I do not know what will happen. I hate that. I always think ahead and not being able to makes me worry. 

I have to wash outside with a water hose. The water is cold. I am naked in a semi-enclosed area open to the back, which faces a densely forested area. I am not shy about nudity but not when I am bathing. I take my glasses off and cannot see clearly. 

I believe I couldn't do this without venlafaxine. As mine dwindles away, I have 3 left, what happens when I run out? I am worried about that. 

I worry that we will have our freedoms curtailed. I hope the US Constitution restricts what doofus Trump can do. I believe he already violates a clause in it, the one about being fit for office. The highest office in the free world. 

How could Americans hate each other? Didn't we already go through this? But I understand the hate on the blue side. I feel it, too. 

I am worried, yes. My anxiety feeds into this, like gas on a fire. I am uncomfortable and stressed because of an election. 

I am worried about living through 4 years of doofus Trump. If that is wrong, sorry. You don't feel what I do. I don't believe you could tolerate it. 

If it is true, that nothing happens, then it'll be all right but I just cannot believe that. 

Not Normal

In the long history of this blog, I have detailed things wrong with me. I am disabled by Anxiety Disorder that gets worse as I get older. It causes agoraphobia and panic disorder. I have it worse than anything.

The stress it causes caused damage to my prostate gland. Urology determined that my pain is caused by psychological stress.

This began at my time at walmart. Super stress. I left walmart because I was contemplating suicide because I could not deal. I asked my doctor what to do and I decided to quit because killing myself isn't worth that cesspit of greed.

I have occasionally felt suicidal since. The feeling doesn't come around that often. I do not like it and it causes trouble.

I do not feel it now. One of the main stressors in my life is gone. That is not to say I feel better. My anxiety is worse because of the loss.

People say, go see a specialist or a psychologist.

Really? Are you going to pay the bill? I cannot. I do not receive a potent benefit because I stopped working when I was 35.

Could I do it again? No. I can't go outside, let alone a place where my anxiety would be twanged like a bass string. Anxiety stressors cause pain, emotive and physical through stress.

I am not well mentally, probably not physically either since have an occasional chest pain, respiratory, not cardiac. I hope.

I am not a good boyfriend. I don't go anywhere. I avoid spontaneity, anything the proactively causes my anxiety.

Panic disorder is strong. I take 100 mg of Zoloft every day and still feel it to some degree.

I have come to not expect that I will ever get better. What's 'better'? I have always had panic disorder, even when I was a kid.

Trembling is not rare for me. I sweat even if it's not hot. I cannot pee if someone else is anywhere near me. My heart goes boom-boom-boom, raising my blood pressure. Given what happened to my father, that may not be a good thing.

My adult life has been one long lonely time when I sit here and write, when I can, and listen to music. I do go outside at night to look at the stars but if someone was out there, I come in right away.

I feel deep panic during thunderstorms. When the power fails. When I see a scorpion. Sunlight causes panic. Driving causes deep panic. I feel deep panic when a girl looks at me. How the fuck is that not bad? It is horrible.

My hands shake a lot. Panic does that.

I feel panic when I get angry, intensifying the feeling. I consciously resist feeling angry.

I feel hopeless mostly. Tolerate things I shouldn't

I am not well so do not say it is 'just nothing'

You know nothing about it. You can't if you do not have it as well.

I am not normal. I have a problem which likely is genetic. It seems common in my maternal DNA.

You don't want to upset me, do ya? Don't talk about my condition like it's nothing.

It is everything.

A Joke Day

Labor Day....

I haven't had a job since the 1st of June of 2010. That was when I self-terminated from Walmart. I had actually left in April of that year on the advice of my doctor.

I honestly believe if I hadn't left, I would have killed myself by now. I just couldn't deal.

Now I am on disability for this fucking debilitating condition I have. I mean, who gets a panic attack when breathing?

I don't know. All I know is that Labor Day doesn't apply to me. I do not work. I sit here at the computer all day.

I miss human contact. I go to the store just one time a month. It is pretty much the only time I leave the house, though I will have to start going to the Laundromat again like I used to do a long time ago.

I am okay if people leave me alone. If it is too busy, I will come back later. I have 'Dune Messiah' to read while doing the laundry.

Unfortunately, I will have a hard time making it to this day because of how I feel.

I am going hungry. There's nothing to eat. A failure in the monthly food budget and operation led to this. I will be okay after tomorrow night as I write this. I have already lost 5 pounds, which isn't a bad thing. I might post a picture of me in my MeUndies to show it off. My booty though....

Seriously, I have long established how I feel about holidays of any kind in my blog. Labor Day is supposed to be the 'end of summer'. Why then is it still 97 F outside?

Summer will end when it ends. The weather doesn't respect the calendar. That was true last Winter/Spring here.

I wonder how many more summers I will get. This pain intensifies during the upcoming holiday time.

I will be able to go to the store tomorrow. I will restore my missing five pounds.

I don't like having a belly but I don't like starving either.

Last Day of August

Wouldn't you know it? The last day of the month of Augustus is a fucking sunday.

I feel the usual malaise of sundays, more worse than normal. The next two days will be hungry days. It's always those days before my benefit comes.

This particular month has been total bs. I will have gone 32 days without money then. Months with 31 days, then I am normally paid on the 3rd but it was the 1st last time.

I feel so fucking worthless. I would like to be a ghost so the apathy of people would be a natural thing.

I feel guilty for using services, food, drinking the tea. It would be better if I wasn't here to use them.

This will get worse when I go to the store, I feel guilty for getting things, messing up a zoned isle. Getting in the way of the stockers. I know when I was a stocker, people in the way really got on my nerves.

Guilty for driving down the road. I could stay here and not bother anyone.

I feel guilty for having male genitals. They aren't being used for their intended purpose. Why have them? Would I not be better off dead so it will rot away?

But my carcass would occupy a space and take up a service that really should be better saved for someone else of value.

I feel this guilt when I get a haircut, buy something from a store, drive on the highway, I even feel it listening to the radio. I have discovered KCSN, I like that station. Unfortunately, it comes from Cal State Northridge in Southern California. Should a guy from and in Texas be listening to it. Was it meant for me?

Look at radio here, 80% country, 15% Mexican, and K-Love, Urban, and only 1, that's right, ONE rock station, which is a Clear Channel clone station.

Radio is the prime entertainment in my life. It has always been, it will always be.

I feel guilty for using their service. I am not 'cool' like that.

How many people you know where they feel bad for buying things? Going places?

I need a new Playstation 2. I cannot afford a new one. So someone with a used one for sale has to expend effort on my behalf to send one and the Post Office has to expend effort because it wont fit in the post box. All because I needed it to play games I can't on the ps3.

It is my fault. All that effort expended. I am a bad person for bothering people like this.

This summer was supposed to be when I learned to swim. I was supposed to go to the lake. I was supposed to meet a new girl.

None of it happened because I do not belong. I feel guilty going somewhere. Id feel guilty about using the Laundromat because our dryer is down and frankly, HE washers are better. I am going to have to if I want clean clothes.

So I have to get in the way, use machines that someone else could have used and be somewhere where I don't belong.

I feel guilty for not wearing MeUndies today. I mean it is hot and my male pain is worse than normal. I am wearing the Ex-Officio briefs instead. They do not hurt me. I will wear the CK kind later, they do not hurt me. It is my guilt for having several kinds because I feel comfortable.

Was this really necessary? Someone else could have benefitted from these things.

The bottom line is that I am worthless, more so on sunday.

Should you be happy that the month of Augustus is ending? It is another month older you are. Do I deserve the years given to me?

I don't like Sundays

It is supposed to be a nice day to be thankful for what you have and all that. It is a nice day to go to the park or see a movie or go out to eat.  It is a nice day off for the Post Office, banks and others that live by 'business days', a concept that should be abolished.

Let me talk about Sunday. For most of my adult life, even when I was a teenager, I worked on Sunday. I always considered it a workday. Why does walmart pay a Sunday Premium? Are you not supposed to work on Sunday?

I could go to church but that would lead to questions and I told you about questions. My beliefs are dependent to not asking questions that could cause a suicidal feeling.

I feel the worst on Sundays. I feel more worthless than usual and I reckon that it will be a Sunday when I will end this life. But not this Sunday. 

I have a hope that I will find love. I have a hope that I will eventually get help for my anxiety disorder.

If I do, Sundays would not be such a difficult day for me.

Too Hot

Every summer of my life has been hot. I mean, who could forget the 40+ straight days of 100 degrees F in 2011? I am used to it, it is the comfortable state to be in usually.

But....

I guess my constitution changed in the last 10 years. I get hot and cannot deal. I have taken to wearing only my underwear and t-shirt. I don't really care if you can see me like that. I am male, yes. I wish I wasn't but I have already talked about that.

I sweat, anxiety sweat is the most common but heat sweat is worse. It dehydrates ya, it is sticky and feels icky.

I sweat when I sleep. It is so warm in here. This will make it tougher to deal with cold when it does come.

I cannot take a picture of me with my MeUndies on. You can see the approximate size and shape of my peena. Like it is written elsewhere, cannot tell size from a relaxed one. This is especially true in my case.

I wish I didn't have one. I wish I could change like in SF stories where a machine does it. But that isn't real and I have to deal with this intense hatred of maleness.

If that is not mentally ill. What is?

Belief

It is why I did not commit suicide and continue not to do that irrevocable action.

It is what assures me that things make sense.

It is belief. I believe in God. It is impossible not to and make sense of things.

Nothing just happens, that violates causality.

What is the causality behind my mental trouble? Is it brain chemistry or heredity or what? I hit my head on a concrete porch when I was a kid and had a concussion. I was out for three hours. How did that affect me?

I don't talk about my beliefs. It is a sure way to cause an argument and my life experience tells me not to cause a conflict, which can ruffle my anxiety feathers something fierce.

Other people are the primary factor that ruffles my anxiety feathers. How can a social creature exist if he cannot deal with other people?

I try not to have questions, they can lead to a very dark place that hurts. I am not in the dark place, I am trying to feel better.

But then, if other people intrude, that dark place can return.

Belief is strong but pain is stronger. I don't want pain. So I stay inside, away from other people.

I like being a ghost. I wish it were not so but that is how it is. Okay, enough about this.

I will talk about something else later. It seems that posts about bodily functions are popular. Why is that?

Other people.... smh.

Emotive

I am over sensitive. I have always been. When I was a kid, I could not take a joke. I still can't. I mean I was a kid in the 80's and that was before the internet and before this whole outfit.

I wish I could go back. I would make a different life choice if I could. I would lose my masculinity and become transgender. It is too late for that now.

It is not a question of being funny that way, I am not. It is just I hate maleness, other males, everything about it.

I believe I have a female soul, if gender can be ascribed to the immaterial part of one. I am over sensitive, I have anxiety disorder, I panic at the drop of a hat, I am agoraphobic, I don't go outside unless I have to.

The longer this goes on, the more set in it became. I am forever mentally sick like this. It can lead to suicide if it overwhelms but I don't let it.

I feel emotive too easy. Some movies I cannot watch, some songs I cannot listen to. Is this why I lost my girlfriend? I have a hard time forgetting if she appears in my dreams.

I wonder if she ever thinks of me. She has to. I mean, it was over 2 years.

I doubt that I will ever get that close to another female ever again. It hurts too much.

For you who read this, understand something. I share this because it is a window into my daily pain.

Id much rather post pictures of tropical storms.

Anxiety

If you read this blog with any regularity, you know that I have severe anxiety disorder. It was diagnosed in 07. I developed agoraphobia in the time since because I spend most of my time inside and don't go anywhere.

I have written a lot about how it affects me. I mean, the stress it causes damaged my prostate gland. A pain I will live with for the rest of my life.

I cannot 'not' feel anxiety and stress, it is a basic part of my brain or soul.
I have always been over-sensitive, even when I was a kid. I can't take a joke and lack the basic sense of humor many other people have. I do find some things funny but usually, it isn't openly shown.

I don't know what happened. I used to be able to go do things. I know I don't have to rely on the internet to buy new shoes but going to the shoe store is panic bait.

Panic bait, a new female friend until I know her well, is panic bait. What is panic bait? It is something I know that will cause a panic reflex in me, like driving on a congested road. Going to the doctor is panic bait. Seeing people who have hurt me like Jen is severe panic bait. I don't go outside because sunlight is panic bait. It burns. It is like a blanket covering everything.

I have pasty white skin. I don't tan well and I burn easy. I get more freckles which isn't necessarily a good thing.

I cannot sleep because of anxiety. What causes it? Noises, unavoidable since I sleep in the daytime. The temperature, in winter, it is easier to sleep unless it is really cold. Given what I wear when I sleep, it makes sense, I mean, sweat pants? There is a reason.

I cannot sleep if my radio is off. It has been part of my life since I was a small child. If it is off because of a power failure or the radio station goes down, I cannot sleep.

I cannot sleep if I am having a panic attack. The feel of my own heartbeat can cause a panic attack.

I call this anxiety insomnia and I am having it now. I don't feel so well.

Anxiety disorder will kill me one day. It is not treated, I mean, I don't have health insurance, I have Medicare. You can't get the right help with Medicare.

I think of hurting myself sometimes to make it stop. I don't because injuries are panic bait. Hurting is panic bait. I had a pain in my left side. That caused panic but it has subsided.

Insect bites, fucking mosquitoes, especially, really grind on my anxiety.

I just suffer with this. My cousin says I need to go get help. As mentioned above, one cannot get the right help with Medicare.

Medicare is for old people. Why do I have it? I am only 38. I have it because my anxiety disorder disables me. I can't go to the dentist, which I desperately need to do. I can't talk to people I don't know. I cannot even go see my friends.

My 20th HS reunion is next month. I will go but there will be panic, you can bet on that with certainty.

I write about these things because that is what is wrong. You may care or you may not. The disease of apathy is strong in many humans.

My Anxiety

I had to go to the store as I needed new nail clippers and I ran out of OJ, which Vitamin C does help prevent illness. I know this from my own experience. Or it is the fact that I never go anywhere to be exposed to illnesses. Bacterial infections are quite possible if one doesn't wash their hands often, a lesson I learned the hard way.

So, this is a walmart,  a familiar one, smaller than many in my hometown.

Been there a million times it seems. I went looking for nail clippers that aren't overtly feminine and looked foolish looking around. My heart began to race and I became super nervous.

Then I find them at last on an aisle that is in the cosmetic section. I must have passed six different females of my age or younger. I could not look at them. It isn't an aversion to females, it is attention, like searing sunlight. I cannot deal with that.

So, I walk faster. I don't feel well enough to be all that physical. I mean, I told you I am out of shape.

I must look like a total fool. I feel so bad, like a shield my anxiety puts up. I can't look people in the eye, I can't talk to them. I can't even speak.

Anxiety sweat. It was maybe 75 degrees. I am sweating because of anxiety. This has been the most obvious sign of my anxiety disorder other than my hands shaking, which they do most of the time anyway.

When I worked at the largest and most busy wm, certainly in Tx, my shirt would be soaked with anxiety sweat no matter what temperature it was. I did change clothes if it was bad.

But where do I sweat? Back, under arms, face, my abdomen. My underwear briefs can be perceptibly wet from anxiety sweat. I cannot use an antiperspirant. Anxiety sweat overpowers that. I use a deodorant and axe spray, so I don't offend. But I don't offend. Anxiety sweat doesn't smell bad.

It is a stress reaction. Body isn't too warm. It feels warm inside, especially from a panic attack, which I had while looking for nail clippers.

I did find them, only $1.76. I mean, my OJ cost twice that.

I am not well enough to interact with the public. This gets worse as time goes by. It is why I prefer to order things online.

I have a negative self-image. You know what I look like, you know I am not bad looking but my anxiety distorts my self-image. I feel smaller than I am. Ugly, childlike. I am 38 years old, childhood was a long time ago.

I am ashamed that this happens. I am mentally sick because of this. How did this happen?

I don't know. I just suffer with it.

Not a Soldier

One of the things I feel the most shame for is that I never joined the military. I have lived near a significant military base all my life.

I am the only male member of my family not to serve.

I scored very well on aptitude tests for service in high school. They wanted me but I recognized that I am unfit back then.

I am too old to join now even if I could.

How am I unfit?

I have severe anxiety disorder.
I have terminal shyness.
I have a chronic illness in my prostate gland.
I am out of shape.

I don't like being yelled at. I like routine but not to the strictest sense of it.

I can't go outside without feeling some panic. I can test this with my peena. Probably would happen if I had to bathe in a communal setting. I am bigger than that by far but in anxiety, it shrinks to minimal size.

I am 1.6 meters tall. I am not a very big guy, kinda Hobbit like, actually.

I feel sick when in a strange area like someone else's house. This gets worse when in places I have never been before. I haven't ever been outside of Tx.

I just am not fit for service, I am not even fit for the definition of 'man'. I am male and that's that.

I write about a military. I did want to serve when I was younger. Now, I'm not a soldier.

I mean, my grandfather was a US Marine in World War II. He typified what I think of soldiers. Wise, strong, with a physical presence.

I am a ghost. Barely there.

It is shameful, yes. That kind of shame hurts.

No Female Companionship

I have been thinking about this for several days.

I do not have a female companion. I have had 2 girlfriends in my life but a girlfriend isn't a companion. Someone who stays with you.

How has this affected me?

I learned cooking skills I ordinarily used to never use.
I am particular about doing my own laundry.
My room is a tetradisaster mess. This is because of a mental thing related to my anxiety disorder.

I am lonely. I do not know what will happen when I am older and alone.

I do not have a love. I do not have children. I do not have the ability to go outside unless I have to.

I used to like going outside. I miss the sunlight on my pasty skin.

I have not been to places familiar to me in years.

If I had a female companion, maybe I would take her somewhere. Not that I have been to many places.

I am willing to try, to suppress anxiety if I am with someone. That does help.

I have never had a real serious girlfriend. I thought it was Jen but no matter how alike we were, there was one glaring difference. I am mentally sick, she was not.

I am willing to try having a real serious girlfriend. Why do you like me? Am I 'cute'? Appearance should not be the foundation for a relationship.

No. I have moments when I feel un-cute.

I don't know. I wish it was easier than it is.

Hate Maleness

I have said before that I hate being male. I hate body hair, I hate male genitals. I hate society's definition of a male.

I don't want to be female. I am not like that. I just hate being male. Could I have my genitals removed?

I watched a video of such a surgery and no. I mean, watch a priapism surgery video, see how much blood is in there. Major arteries and such. I mean, I nick myself with the Bodygroom razor and its like automatic bleeding.

I will just deal with it.

Other males may read this and say, I am messed up. Yes, I am mentally ill. I believe I have a female soul.

I am not female in any way and that must really grind on my soul.

Err, why am I writing this? It is something that troubles me a great deal, being stricken with Anxiety Disorder which is a primarily female condition.

If I had a girlfriend, could erase this trouble, and make me feel male again. Not like an 'it'. But it's not likely.

Any girl taking an interest in me is about as likely as the sun going dark tomorrow.

Color Matching

I have stopped posting about underwear because those posts seem unpopular but this is one last one. Okay.

I color match. That means my underwear matches the shirt. This is not always possible, I mean, do you have underwear of the colors you wear? I primarily wear gray, purple or black.

I have been told by some that this is weird. Why match colors? It just seems important to me. If I was a girl, my bra would have to match panties, no exception. This is true for me now. I don't wear panties, well, most of the time I don't.

This picture is of my red shirt day. I used to never wear red but since I like red against my white skin, short of slathering paint on it or cutting myself and smearing blood on it, I just will wear a red shirt.

Now my underwear in this picture are MeUndies male briefs, medium, allegedly red but really?

Sad Feelings

I have a sad component to my anxiety disorder. This is melancholia sadness, no direct cause. Things happen to make me sad. Stressing my patience is one of these.

Normally, I am a patient person. However, lack of response whether from online shopping to a bad ant problem here, it grinds on my anxiety.

I have a persistent toothache. I have damaged teeth and don't like to talk about them.

My male pain is also persistent. I don't know what my prostate's problem is. I have tried to avoid stress. But stress is part of anxiety and I feel anxiety all the time.

I have a hard time going somewhere. I would like to travel but I don't know if I can. I just cannot deal with difference and unfamiliar places.

I feel sad when I think of Jen. Or when I cannot write my stories. I have been having trouble focusing. It started when I started taking celexa again. I am not taking my med, probably not good but I do not like its side effects.

I just feel sad, melancholy.

Underwear

I wear briefs. I never was comfortable in anything else. I usually color coordinate with my socks and shirt. I have a pattern to what I wear. I shave once a week, it hurts my face to do it more often. This also resets what I call my laundry cycle.

After I shave, I wear white, white, then gray, darker gray, then black and black. I have a variable dark purple shirt work in the black end of the cycle. I am wearing it now. Yes, I wear purple, not because I am that way, but because I associate it with my mental illness.

I recently bought a bunch of underwear online. You can't get the good stuff at wm, you know. I like C-IN2 the most. It doesn't constrict but does feel secure. I mean, you can see a bulge there, well, yes. I am a boy. Boy, who's 37.

I am not shy about my underwear. I'd post a picture of it but my blog isn't about such pictures. Would you enjoy it if I did?

Is it weird that I color-coordinate? Have a color cycle to my wardrobe? If I was a girl, I'd always match my bra and panties. It is the way I am. I don't feel right wearing black underwear and white socks.

I imagine that doesn't bother most people. They wear whatever. I am just particular about that.