Childless . . .

Understand that most of the people I know are near my age (late 30s). This certainly is not welcome but the arrow of time marches on, unconcerned by human affairs.

Is aging entropy? I mean, you do break down. Bones weaken, joints swell, organs begin to malfunction. We are not meant to be static throughout how many years we get, it's never certain of how long we get.

I have written tons about my damaged prostate gland. It still works but it hurts ALL the time. Aging in a male means BPH. When it happens to me, with the underlying problems I have had for nearly 8 years now, I do not know what will happen. I am consigned to hurt there in the center of my pelvic area for the rest of my life.

I mention it here because this pain makes it extremely hard to have sex. This pain will kill excitement like throwing a switch.

That happened to me in the last experience I had. In the moment, stop. I was so embarrassed. How do you explain that it hurts too much to continue?

It could have been the female I was with, kinda repulsive. Felt so uncomfortable after. Ashamed. Ashamed because is it fornication? Is that the only way I can have a sexual experience? I won't commit adultery. Some things are just wrong.

Why is sex important? Aside from the at-the-moment benefits, it can lead to the generation of a new life.

Okay, let me say that I have never finished in sex. Anxiety will cause a causal loop and give me too much stamina.

But I can easy with the m-thing. So what is it?

I am on SS. I get so much a month, I am on a fixed income. The government recognizes that this anxiety disorder is a specter that ruins any chance for a 'normal' life.

I am 38, I have never had any kids. My sister did, I mean, her son is 18 now. Why didn't I?

I have been inside for most of my life. I write, I listen to music. I don't go outside like I used to.

Oh, sunlight, like a blazing sea, just everywhere. It feels so uncomfortable  to me.

I do want to make new friends. I do want a new girlfriend actually from Texas. It can't be that hard to find one.

But as long as I have anxiety disorder, it's never going to happen.

What prompted this?

Well, on facebook, my friends just flood the news feed with pictures of their kids. I know it is pride and showing off but it is extremely harmful to people like me who can't for whatever reason.

If I was to have a kid in the next two years, which cannot be ruled out because I intend to try to go out this summer, I wouldn't post pictures of them. Why? I would have pictures, tons of them, I like taking pictures. I just think others don't need to see every little thing.

Their pictures are harmful. Ruffle my anxiety feathers. It is unintentional cruelty.