38

Suppose for a moment that you were younger or older than me. I am 38. I was born in the middle of the 1970s and my childhood was a better time than the bs stupidity and frank misery the world has been since September 11th.

I don't like being 38. I am starting to show signs of age. It isn't so easy to sleep. I do not know why but it seems to be a decay of my body. This has nothing to do with my age. I mean, there are other 38 year olds in much better shape than me.

They have families, kids, jobs, etc... I have none of these.

I have been pretty much of a shut-in for the last 4 years, ever since leaving walmart.  I do go to the store but that's a necessity. I usually don't go alone.

Always at night because in the daytime, I cannot go outside and not have a panic attack.

How do other 38-year-olds compare to me? I am cuter, I don't get much sunlight exposure. I never drastically hurt myself like getting a broken bone. I have never needed a hospital stay. I always have thought that when I do, it is going to be very bad.

My hair is getting thinner. I do not think it will go away completely. Though baldness is common in males in the maternal side of my family, I have had my hair longer than they did when they were my age.

I get it cut short so that may seem like it is thin. I was told by an old man when I was a little boy that boys should never have long hair. I have always believed that and I never will have long hair.

I think that most of my life has been wasted because of my agoraphobia. I can't go out and do stuff, meet a new girlfriend, hell, I can't even go to Sonic, had a bad panic attack the last time I was there and I used to go there all the time.

I had a breathless panic attack when ordering tea at a familiar chicken place last summer. I could not talk. It was so embarrassing. When I paid for it, my hands were shaking so bad, also embarrassing.

My hands shake when I feel panic. It happens when I drive, go to the store. Worse when I go to the doctor and go to a certain city.

I can write about this because I think about it all the time. I am not like other 38-year-olds.

If you are the same age as me, please comment and say hi. I have never had a friend the same age as me, they are mostly older than me.