Move Stress

I have moved back to my hometown. There is much still to be done. I no longer have to deal with the bugs biting me or the 90ish degree temperatures in there. 

However, I lived out there for 15 years. Wrote much about it in this blog in the past. It is hard emotionally and terribly. My stress has been terrible. 

This has made my male pain a lot worse. Stress is what aggravates it. I am prone to urinary accidents after I pee. My body relaxes from the pee reflex and some urine ?did not come out whe I was going. This drip can  be a few drops or more commonly, enough to wet myself.


I cannot stand for my genital skin to be in a soiled fabric no more than a baby can. To react, I change my underwear and go wash my parts with Dial. 

Will this get worse as I get older? Will I wet myself and be in a place where I can't change? 

In the old place, I could go without underwear or pants but now I live in an apartment building and that is unacceptable. 

I am not particularly affected by my own nudity. It is nothing to get upset over. 

I have these prostate-parts-urinary problems that keep getting worse. I am afraid I must go to the doctor again and have more embarrassing exams.

Sorry

I don't like being known for my male pain. I write about it here because it is something unseemly to talk about.

I apologize if you are offended. I am hurting more than ever but do you really want to know?

I shaved my parts yesterday. I can post a picture if there is any interest.

Male Pain

You can go search on Google or find the anatomy chart I posted in this blog to know where the prostate gland is.

It is at the base of the bladder, above the root of the penis. I always thought it was cool how this troublesome male organ is attached to the pubic bone. Saw it on my CT scan. My cup like pelvis.

My pain is because my prostate gland is damaged by psychological stress. It became damaged sometime in my time at walmart.

It always hurts, especially when I pee and much worse if I have to go poo. (forgive my language, I am consciously avoiding profanity)

The prostate gland's function is to secrete a fluid that is a vital component in semen. I am no stranger to semen, having done the m-thing many, many times in my life.

It is doubtful that I can reproduce in sex. It hurts to have sex. I learned this in my last experience. I am older now and less stressed than back then but I still hurt.

Mind, that this pain does NOT involve my penis or testicles. The latter hurt on their own sometimes, the whole system is connected.

This prostatitis is likely either because of grief-stress, or a bacterial infection. If it is a bacterial infection, usually caused by dehydration, stress, being sick, I did have a respiratory infection recently.

If it is a bacterial infection, I MUST go the doctor. That can mean serious badness.

This pain I feel is constant. I would describe it as a headache in the center of your pelvis.

To show that you can't tell it by looking, you can see my penis here. I am not posting such pictures in my blog.

I am not shy about my parts, too many medical tests done on them. I am just showing the hidden nature of my male pain.

I have chronic prostatitis, though infections happen sometimes.

I was told to take motrin (which I cannot take), do the m-thing (not possible when I am hurting) or take a very hot bath (possible).

I need to see Urology badly but they won't see me without insurance. I do not know how medicare fits into that.

I will sit here and hurt. Badly.

Apologies if you don't like this. It is part of my life, a serious part.

Fear

I have lived out here for 15 years. It is more or less what was home. Aged a lot out here, spent a lot of time alone out here.

That time alone... did it cause my anxiety disorder or my addiction to porn? Is it why I am afraid to get a new girlfriend?

It doesn't feel like home anymore. Ever since the death of my father, it has become a place of fear. I don't like being alone here. I am not usually but I when I am, panic sets in.

I don't like seeing the bed he was on when he passed. Have to pass it to go take a shower.

Memory is deeply affected as the places he was, they are still here as they were before.

I don't want to leave this home but I don't want to stay here. It stokes my grief. I am afraid that I would have to go far away, still in my native county, but far from here.

I feel afraid of changes. Where will my aging take place?

I am afraid, this fear stokes anxiety, which stresses, grinds on my P-gland, which has hurt severely for several days.

I will write a post about my male pain later. I will show you my parts so be mindful.

Cold Effect

I am cold. My heater overheated and had to reset. I was shivering so bad.

This is the time I need to take care of my male health. By that, I mean the m-thing but being so cold, my penis doesn't want to cooperate. I guess my body reckons it doesn't want to share blood down there. The way my feet feel, it is super-chilled.

I am not posting an image of my penis here. I did post it elsewhere. If you want to see it, mind that I am very cold and was when I took this a bit ago, go here.

I am sorry if this bothers you. I am kind of a show-off.

Male Pain Again

I didn't really want to talk about it but I am hurting more than normal recently. I just had to crap and that REALLY hurt. Add to that, it is very cold in the bathroom at the moment.

Taking a shower in that cold bathroom is no fun either. Shiver until the water warms.

I was told three things to manage this pain. Dr. H emphasized number 3 on this list.

1. Take Motrin. I cannot take ibuprofen, it hurts my stomach. 

2. Take a hot bath, which I can't when it is so cold. The cold steals away the heat fast. 

3. Masturbate. I try not to do it too much, it always hurts afterward. And plus, cold.... 

Why did Dr. H tell me to do that? Well, prostatic fluid builds up over time and is subject to infection. I had one of these before and it is like stinging fire combined with a migraine in your pelvis. 

Have to release ever so often or get sick again.

I know it is a hard subject to talk about. It is part of being male, sure. I am cursed with this pain that is always there, just a little more harsh now. 

2 things will kill excitement in that area.

1. Anxiety, a panic attack will shut things down like an iron hammer coming down.

2. Cold. My body does NOT like cold at all.

Sure, I can get it to work, but maintaining when it's so cold? Nope.

Ha, if you could see it now, it is not in the excited state at all. I'm cold.

Short of posting a picture, that will have to do.

My male pain should subside eventually back to the dull ache I always feel there. I wonder about the day it doesn't subside. What then?

Ever go to the doctor for this? Embarrassing ain't the word for it.

Possible Cause

I am having trouble sleeping, woke up way too early. I don't feel well, having the prostate problem again.

I just read that chronic prostatitis (which is what I have) may likely be caused by tension. Well, yeah, this started when I worked at wm. A never ending pain in the center of my pelvic area that subsides to a tolerable pain most of the time and, like now, intensifies into a burning ache that cannot be described in simple terms.

I have to pee often, 3 times in the last 2 hours and it isn't like my bladder was full. Still, had to go, it was what made me get up way too early.

I have noticed some kinds of underwear make it hurt more than normal. I will stick to my MeUndies and C-IN2 briefs because they don't hurt me.

I have come to hate my male parts. I feel a constant need, which is natural, but I have no female friend like that. I don't have a female friend in person at all.

That could be why I feel so bad.

The tension is caused by my anxiety disorder. I cannot avoid it. I wish someone would show me how to relax the tension.

Really, think what? I hurt, no thinking involved.

Male Pain

I have been hurting a lot today. I had a urinary issue when I woke up and gosh, talk about hurt, it was intense.

What is the cause here? Caffeine? Too much water? The m-thing?

No, it is either the urinary trouble or the m-thing. Not to mention having to go #2, that pressure literally presses on my stress-damaged prostate gland.

I can talk about this because it is a daily pain for me, just was particularly bad today.

My parts remain functional but mind says not today because I am hurting so.

The pain will subside if it behaves like normal.

This is a male-specific pain. I know it would pale in comparison to a menstrual cramp or something else female-specific but think, I am not supposed to hurt here, not at my age.

I hate peeing, yes, but it is necessary. I cannot hold it, to be honest and I gotta go. I don't always feel it when it is time, only when I get up and walk around which I do more often than not.

I would post a picture of these parts but this ain't that kind of blog.

Really, think what?

I think I hurt, no, it's more like knowing.

Hurting More

I don't know what it is. I have been eating as I should instead of once a day and started eating wheat bread again because I am not getting enough fiber, evident when I go to the bathroom.

I am hurting in the familiar place, my prostate area, male pain. Something has irritated it. Did I drink a soda? Yes, from Walgreens, a fountain Pepsi. I was thirsty. Should have got water, I know.

But I was hurting before that.

I was told two things to make the pain go away. One is to take a very hot bath, which I do in the night. It does help for a while. The other thing was to do the m-thing or have sex more. Well, the sex thing isn't happening so I have to rely on myself.

Make no mistake, my parts work. However, when I am hurting, I can't get excited. It isn't ED, I could get excited despite the pain with the proper stimulation. (Malee did it with her mouth) I like that, but what guy doesn't?

I would be careful about allowing that again. If it is a bacterial infection making my male pain hurt more than normal, which is hardly rare, I don't want to risk being with another person.

What girl would want to be with me? I am on disability, I have a car but it is destroyed, I have the teeth thing, I have anxiety disorder, I am sort of out of shape.

Gosh, I was wore out after going to the Laundromat yesterday. That was both picking up and carrying that heavy basket and anxiety. Could doing that made my pain worse?

I don't know. I do need to go to the doctor but parts of my medicare do not mature for a few month. I need to see Urology but they don't take medicare, the greedy bastards.

I did write a 'pelvic shave check' post and even put a picture in it. Would you like to see it? Let me know.

I don't know if this pain will persist. I will go to ER if there is blood in my pee or the pain gets too bad. It is almost there.

But it is embarrassing to go to the ER with this problem when there are injured and sick people there.

Also, I don't want that icky lubrication gel they use on my MeUndies. I reconsidered because I did need a red pair, the origin of this conflict, and finally broke down and ordered a pair. I feel alienated by them but hey, it's underwear. It's not a big deal.

I am not a 'man'. I am male. To me, there is a distinction. What makes me male? Male parts? Body plan? Addled mushy brain? Anxiety has distorted my self-image for a long time. I am male, yes, and will stay that way until the next life.

Finally

My laundry is done. I feel a lot better but there is something wrong. I know I shouldn't drink Coca-Cola, something in it irritates my prostate gland, which doesn't need irritation to hurt.

I went without caffeine and sugar for 2 days. I was feeling it badly. So I thought, a 1-liter Coke would help restore what is bad but I need it. I do like Coke but it is bad for me.

I do feel better like that but now I hurt more than normal. It is agony to pee. I need to do the m-thing to clear things like Dr. H said but I can't this time of day.

Have no privacy and really, I am used to doing that at night. Makes a mess, too.

I can talk about this because I am not shy like that.

Not that you need to know that. I will not talk about it.

I will make December better. I will try to get a new phone and some things I couldn't get this month. $345 in wm?! Seriously? I felt anxiety close in like a vise but it was the normal items with holiday items like cake mix and etc...

I cannot sustain this high cost of food. I wish I was really a ghost and wouldn't need any.

Arthelius doesn't have these problems. He has a Wookie girlfriend and a cool spacecraft. What do I have?

Smh....

Return of Dia-Icky

It has been a while. I mean, true, there has been a poor diet as someone dear is in the hospital and our normal way of doing things is in a disarray.

I think it has to do with milk. I don't know what else could have caused the worst sort of dia-icky there is.

I have a handful of days yet before I can go to the store. I can't go do my laundry, it is two weeks since I have done it and I am running out of socks. I HAVE to have socks, it's that important.

Lucky, this is the black part of my distorted laundry cycle so maybe, should I have an accident, it won't be so bad.

I am hurting because my gut clenched, whose muscle action squishes my prostate gland, upsetting it.

Maybe it is the sugar death but it hasn't really affected me like this before.

Nothing funny about it this time. That was bad, just plain awful.

Hate Sunday

Another sunday.

What is bad about today? Worse than average male pain. Sunlight reflecting off the truck and straight into my eyes. Arguments with my father.

I did not sleep well. Could be the noise people make on this day when my anxiety is the worst.

Should I write a Hate Sunday post every sunday? Why not?

I will try to be more positive later.

Where I Hurt

In this picture is male anatomy. Forgive me but it is here to show where I hurt.

Notice where the prostate gland is.


In this picture, it is very clear as to why pooing is so painful for me. It is right by the rectum. I have read in many places, stimulating a male's prostate gland is sexually pleasing.

Not so for me. My prostate is a clarion bell of pain, it radiates out from there.

The blue area in the picture is where I hurt when I pee, warm acid feeling and I guess sphincter pain. It feels like it resisted opening sometimes. That's not good, is it?

I remember when Dr. H performed a 'prostate massage' in 2009. He squished it with considerable force, causing me to have an extremely embarrassing reaction. Made a mess, actually.

He said that this must be done every once and a while. However, the urology clinic won't help me with medicare. (What good is it, then?)

My male parts function normally otherwise. I could have a sexual encounter if anxiety did not prevent it. Anxiety can kill excitement like a switch. This happened in my last sexual experience in mid-action. That was so embarrassing, I could feel the beet red blush on my face. I never could do it again with her (Malee).

I have only had 3 girlfriends in my life. One was when I was 24 and Jen.... with whom I had no physical relation. Malee was not my friend, she was a sex friend. I cannot justify having one of those again. It gets too complicated.

I would like my parts removed. All of it but they are not likely to do that without a medical need. I need them if I am to ever have a child.

I saw on CNN today about an old corrupt elderly politician running for Congress. He has a 25 year old 'wife' and a 1-year-old son by him.

This is why I cannot rule it out. I am only 38. I just can't with anxiety.

Arthelius the Ghost, who has no male parts that are tangible, said, 'Not having the constant need is like 'purity'.'

I guess I will not achieve 'purity'.

Another Hate Sunday

It comes every 7 days. This accursed day of slowness, of inaction, of watching football or some other ultimately meaningless thing.

I don't like Sundays. I feel very bad, depressed sort of. I don't know why. It could be the whole situation with the playstation 2.

I am having male pain. I leak when I pee because I can't feel if all of it is gone. When pee stops, is that it? In me, not always. So I get a wet spot in my underwear.

I am wearing CR7 Color Block Fashion briefs. You don't want to get a pee spot in those, do ya? I don't.

I get dehydrated because I avoid drink to not pee. I don't like to pee, it hurts. I have to do it or I could get very sick or more than likely, have an accident.

Normally, a guy isn't conscious of his male parts most of the time. It is just there. My parts hurt, I am always conscious of them.

Aside from that, I hear how dangerous sugary drinks are as I am drinking one. How could I do that? Why does everything I do seem bad or wrong?

I went to the store yesterday with messy hair. Look like a fucking slob with that. How could I do this?

I resist the urge to hang myself. How long can I keep doing this? Sunday will come again, for as long as there are weeks and days.

Important?

I am super upset. This can cross into suicidal feeling if made worse. Why? I mean, I'm not hungry.

No, okay, several months ago, the power switch of my playstation 2 went bad. Fell apart really. Couldn't turn it on. I mainly use it to play my ps1 and ps2 games. I don't like the ps3 and wish I never got one.

So, when I could afford it, I ordered a used one, knowing the risk in such a venture. It came in forthwith fashion and I loaded the Final Fantasy 12 disc in it.

Nothing happened. I checked everything that I know to see if it worked and it did not, the disc motor is bad.

So maybe I could use my otherwise undamaged ps2 to fix it. That did not work. They are different product generations and incompatible.

I sliced my thumb on a sharp piece of plastic while working on them and gave up. Now I took it apart. I can't send it back.

I am a fool. I should have never done that. Now I will have to order a new one when I can afford it but I have things to renew in October. I have already taken care of KMT which is the most expensive magazine I subscribe to. I have to renew Analog and Penthouse.

Also Norton 360 is coming up. NEED it.

I staggered these so they would not come all at the same time.

I am having body trouble. I am having difficulty peeing. While this is not unusual for me, it is worse than usual. It could be related to the upset I feel, causing body stress on my prostate. How it got damaged in the first place.

I don't understand how I could fuck up so badly. You would think at my age, I would know better.

I will be here but really, would it truly matter to you if I wasn't?

Hate Sunday

I have established that I don't like Sundays. The reason is not anything in particular. I don't go to church, that would lead to questions and I feel bad enough as it is.

Sundays, days where life seems to crystalize. Many people have the day off, though many more do not. I was one of those when I was working.

On this sunday, everyone is outside. I hate going outside. Panic-bait. Sunlight, people with whom I am not familiar, sure ways to tickle my anxiety feathers.

I have having severe male pain right now. I cannot say what caused this, haven't done anything different. I am also having issues with my peena. It seems to never be in the same state twice. I can't sustain rigidity when I hurt so.

Certain underwear hurts me. I am sticking to those with the shaped front with room and doesn't constrict.

This stupid sunday. The NASCAR race seems pointless. Not as fun as it normally appears early in the season. Could be the channel it is on.

My mom is in the hospital. The longer it goes on, the more it distresses me. I don't know much, but I will go see her soon.

I hate aging and time. Entropy, that is what it is.

Maybe it will rain today and match how I feel.

Arthelius the Ghost says: "Days don't mean much when are spectral."

Lucky him.

Male Pain

Forgive me, I had to show you what hurts and where. In this picture, the prostate is that yellowish thing at the base of the bladder.

You can see how the rectum comes down and it expands and contracts as it fills and empties.

My pain is focused on the prostate, those parts that look like plumbing and in the very inside base of the peena.

When poo comes down to be eliminated from the body, it builds up in the rectum and causes expansion. This expansion is what you feel when you need to poo. In me, it expands like that and presses on these parts causing intense pain.

I always hurt in these parts, especially during and after I pee. The pain can sear down the urethra, the tube leading from the bladder to outside.

Mind that urology won't help me. I don't have health insurance, I have Medicare. I don't know how to use it. I don't know what to do really but hurt, and I mean hurt. I can't wear jeans for very long. I can't even wear certain kinds of underwear. My C-IN2 and MeUndies briefs do not hurt me.

I wear briefs because I have always worn briefs and that is what I like. I have tried boxer briefs in the past but I don't like them.

I don't care what other guys wear. I like what I like. I hope this picture gives you an idea of where I hurt. This pain can be anywhere in the parts, but is focused on the prostate, it's all interconnected.

I guess I will hurt here for the rest of my life. It has been 5 years now since this started.

If I could have it all removed, I would. I would hurt no more, I believe.

Relieved

My financial goof is fixed. I will have a chicken dinner later.

I have been hurting. It is my male pain, in my testicles and prostate, it burns always, especially when I pee.

I do not trust medicare, I don't know how to use it. I don't know anything about it. If I went to the doctor, I don't know how much it would cost.

Besides that, it would likely result in a DRE. I don't want that, no more than I want to drive a nail into my foot. The discomfort is the same for me.

I have been wearing my MeUndies because they don't hurt me like some other briefs do. Jeans hurt me the worst. I wear sweat pants most of the time.

It is the poo pain too, pressure on my prostate. How can anyone think the human design is the penultimate of nature? We are just another animal species.

Oh, here is the shave check picture as I shaved yesterday. I don't know if my face is feminizing. That diabetes doctor said it was a possibility with Low T. And mine is critically low.