Feelings

I have moments when the shame and depression get to me. I do not talk about certain things because someone might get upset and think it is a suicide plea.

I have a belief that things will make sense one day.

I have a desire to love again.

I have just the protective things I have, music, people leaving me alone. I let the stress get to me.

I was in the bath when they came, gosh, I mean, they could see my peena for a moment. I had a panic attack and stood in the rain to chill.

I am not going to post any more negative posts. I will not hurt myself like that. I am clumsy and have accidents. Cooking... I seem to get burned a lot. The ant bite scars on my leg and scrotal skin. Blemishes.

I do not have anything that I can hurt myself intentionally with. I avoid those things. I avoid letting stress get to me like that by my belief that this wasn't meant to happen.

I have a girl's mental illness. You can say anyone can get anxiety disorder but it is a primarily female condition. Why? What happened to make it so bad?

I have always been shy. Shy to the point of working instead of going to the prom. I never learned to swim because I didn't want to wear swim trunks. When I was a young teenager, there was an incident and ... some things don't need to be remembered.

The house down the hill we used to stay in. The door's hinges were broke. When air pressure changes, like in a thunderstorm, it popped off. It did one day when it was raining really hard.

I took off my clothes and put on my sister's bf's shorts, I don't own any shorts. That dude was much bigger than me.

I ran around the house to get the door but when I did so, the shorts fell off. Naked me in front of the highway.

You have seen pictures of my skin, you know I am pale to max. More so back then in my 20s.

I wouldn't care if you saw me naked now. I got to the point of thinking, I am just a guy. When in totality, my peena is not that big when anxiety-retracted when compared to my body. It would be anxiety-retracted if someone saw me.

I have always been that way. Probably always will. I never used a communal shower. I never use a urinal in the public bathroom. I just have that kind of shyness. It isn't prudism.

I will be okay. I have defense mechanisms if I feel too bad.

My cousin said I was a bad person. Really? I haven't contributed to human extinction through overpopulation. I never hurt anyone. I just avoid the things that cause my anxiety to uncoil.

If you are worried about me, e-mail me, call me, the relevant ones have my number. I will be okay. I will be okay, really.

I am upset that my ps2 has come but the post office didn't deliver it. I will get it tomorrow, even if I have to ask the postmaster.

I will talk about the cyclone threatening the Philippines later.

This bad personal stuff in my blog sullies it, imo.  

Defense Mechanism

If you know anything about me, I love music. It is part of my life. I could not live without it. My radio is never off, I have 1000s of cd's. Days and days of music in my computer.

I listen to my computer through Skullcandy Hesh II headphones because it was what I could afford. It isn't bad at all, I am content with them.

I had a very dark moment, felt tears but a song played and this song helps so much. I found it on a compilation album in Amazon's digital music thingy.

When it played, I thought, I am here, maybe for a reason. After nearly four decades of life, I have not found it yet.

My interests are varied but heavy in science and history.

I don't know if you would like it but you can hear the song here Let It Be

Don't worry about me. I will be okay. I will get back to normal when I am not hungry and feeling this way.

So

It wasn't a Hate Sunday other than a negative NASCAR race's ending. I won't discuss car racing here.

I watched Payton Manning throw his record setting passes. It was a pleasure to watch. I never stopped liking football. I just hide it because an anti-football person lives here.

I did get too warm. I still have no way to do my laundry. It is building up. I have a pretty good wardrobe but I am running out of socks.

I feel okay but when I woke up today and sat up, I saw stars. This isn't good. What is up with my brain now? Not only is it stricken with the inability to do even simple math, it is anxiety-ridden.

I have been playing Spore a lot because it amuses me. I don't know why. Maybe because I have had it for so long.

I will say that I am okay for now. I will write about the sugar crisis later.

Not a Hate Sunday

It was all right today. Had a pretty normal day, not like yesterday fixing that fucking water line. I have to do that occasionally, under the house because pvc is a substandard building material.

I was able to write some, enjoy my music. I do have to help cook but that is an everyday thing for me.

I went to wm and there was the usual panic but it wasn't so bad because it was rather dead. The wm I worked in would be packed on a sunday and it probably still is as I write this.

It will storm later, a squall line. Thunderstorms stroke my anxiety like teasing the tiger. It will bite back. Unless the power goes out, a historical possibility here during storms, I will be all right.

I remember like 11 years ago, down the hill from here, I was on WebTV and the power went out, a beast of a storm outside. I peed on myself I was so scared. I won't forget that.

It hasn't really done that since but it will again eventually and I will be scared again, I admit. I know the elemental power of the weather. There is no reason not to be scared.

I have a weather radio because of that. I have weatherbug, pay attention to the NWS and the local tv stations in this area. Can't watch them if the storm is too bad, the directv goes out.

The dude on the local NBC station said it will pass through here quickly, which is typical of a springtime pattern, not autumn, which we presently are in.

Now tell me that people haven't fucked up the weather.

I forgot about the cyclone ravaging India. I would have posted a satellite picture of it but it takes some doing looking for the GOES floaters assigned to specific tropical systems.

I am glad Vongfong weakened to tropical storm level and is not ravaging Japan.

I will be here writing despite the storm. It will hit about the time I take a bath/shower. What joy would that be.

Better For Now

I'm sorry if bitterness and personal feelings bothered you. I was upset yesterday.

The water situation is fixed. It took some new fittings and a ring clamp. That stupid pvc glue, like plastic on your hands after it dries.

It felt good to wash again and wear clean clothes again. I wore the same shirt for 4 days. Well, no more.

It is not so cold now, 17 degrees C outside now. It won't last but it is all right for now. Humidity is rather high, I feel it. That would keep temperatures from going down too far and possibly is causing fog.

Since I don't go anywhere, I don't really have to deal with fog like I used to. I remember some fog so bad, one could not see the stripe on the highway.

Since I feel like that, maybe one day, it will make sense again, why I am here.

Better

I don't feel so bad.

I have been hungry, eating once a day. I mean, I had a frozen pizza from dinner. This is what happens when one is paid once a month.

Fortunately, that time of the month is nigh. I think ahead about food. I get stressed if I have uncertainty in food.

I hate eating anymore, it makes me feel icky. But if I do not, I feel worse.

I am content with simple things. I don't like fried food unless it is chicken. I hope to have some chicken as it is a rare thing anymore.

If I don't quit drinking this sugar-laden tea, there will be consequences. My DNA report said I am susceptible to Type II Diabetes. Hard to imagine with a lightweight like me.

Dog Star Days

You can go out in the morning, assuming you can see the stars from where you are and you are near the 30 degrees north latitude, and see something that inspired the Ancient Egyptians.

Well, yes, near this something is Orion, splayed across the southern sky like a dominate shadow.

I am talking about Sirius, the Dog Star. It is the brightest star in our sky other than El Sol. Indeed, all of Canis Major is visible as it rises above the light pollution that makes the eastern horizon glow at night.

These are Winter stars, Auriga, Cassiopeia, Andromeda, etc... all visible at this time. The season is changing though it hasn't appeared to do so on the ground where it is roasty hot.

This is best scene at about 5 am. Are you awake at 5 am? I am, I am an overnight person. Nothing like the familiarness of these beloved stars.

I am okay, though I have increased male pain. I cannot see the doctor until September, when I can afford it.

Picture of Me

This is me, taken last night after my shower. I took this to show that I badly need a hair cut. I try to smile but I don't always feel like smiling. 


As I get older, I am becoming less cute. I don't like this at all.


I just thought that you might like to see what I look like. I'm not so bad looking. 

Back Again

I am back online. This is all right.

I have been hurting recently but I won't write about icky personal problems here. That is why I have my nudie blog.

Err, I hate any mention of politics anymore. It is getting intolerable.

I will write about something cool later.

Not That Bad

I have been feeling sad but not as bad as it can get by any means. This is likely because I really am not stressing over anything, other than the usual, remembering story plots or characters, songs I like, and gosh, my uro-g pain.

I am used to hurting there, it is a pain I am accustomed to.

Anyway, I am learning about Star Trek stuff I missed when I was offline. I hate the new Star Trek for the simple fact that it all but does away with the Next Generation. My favorite Star Trek series is Deep Space Nine. I am not that big a fan of Star Trek. It could be better.

When I write space combat, weapons do damage, people are killed or sucked out into space. Many have safety systems and procedures in place to prevent deaths like that. The idea is to kick ass but also, come home safely.

Writing helps me a lot. I have not been writing because I have to fix a tangled continuity problem. My stories are part of a serial space opera drama that has been ongoing for years. I could write a Non-Serial story anytime. I have many times.

I have some writing on my Deviantart page. A story, some art related to it. I suck at drawing.

I will post another astronomical goody later. I like doing that.

I found a save on one of my PS2's memory cards of a waaaay underleveled party in the Draklor Laboratory area of Final Fantasy 12. I am working to see if I can level them up and get through Cid. I don't have the foggiest idea of how I got that far being so underleveled. It is not how I play Final Fantasy.

I might think of something else to write later.

For now, I'm okay.

My Car

I said I would post a picture of it. This is my car, a 1997 Mazda Protege. It was originally a teal green color.

You can see that not paying attention to it has led to oxidation of its paint. My car was damaged in a blowout on thr driver's side front wheel. I could not photograph it from that side because someone put a bike and some crap by it.

My car suffered a belt breakage in 2003. This belt runs the alternator, power steering pump, and coolant. The car suffers badly if this belt is not on. Some idiot tried to fix it and damaged one of the belt's pulleys so that when the alternator is drawing load, like when the lights are on, it slips, making that squealing sound some cars make. It is the sound of a belt slipping.

You see one of the wheel covers is missing. It disappeared at an automated carwash in Cove in 2001.

My car has 105,000 +/- 100 miles on it. It runs fine, well did, otherwise. Now its brakes are rusted. Its battery is dead. It likely has denatured fuel left in the tank. Why is this?

I lost my job last year. I intended to fix it when the next bonus came. Only, it never did. I left before that.

I believed, honestly, believed, still do, that I would have killed myself if I had stayed at wm. The stress winds my anxiety tight, I feel like crying. That is VERY unusual for me. Though I am sensitive, it is my own pain that makes me feel that way.

I took this picture with my phone. It takes good pictures. If I edit photos, this one wasn't, I use Corel Paint Shop X, which came with my copy of WordPerfect X3.

I did not get paint shop with WP Office X5. I don't see the need. I don't use many of its utilities as it is. I am a writer, not a businessperson.

Don't worry about me. I will be all right. I am working on feeling better, going back to my massive music collection, writing more, playing Spore and mahjong. I might even pop into Sins of a Solar Empire, though it takes a long time to set up the gnarliest space battle. There is a YouTube link to post battles, though I have never used it. Spore has that too. My phone can take video. I will share more of what I see.

It is possible that I may have to sell my car. I would only do so in the effort to get a newer one. I do not want a new car. I want one with 30k miles on it, like this car had when I got it back in '98.

Maybe one day, when I get a new car, I might go out more. Doesn't seem likely but stranger things have happened.

I might even get enough nerve to go look for a new girlfriend. Yea, and we'll have snow in August too. Right.

I'm Still Here

It's been a while since I've posted. I have had no net access. I have this rare chance to post so I am taking it.

Things have been sad. I have never been hungry in my life and yet over the last six months, I have had far less to eat than normal. This is because there is no money here. I have no job and I can't trust that my Anxiety Disorder won't act up if I go for a new job. I need to talk with the doctor but cost is the issue.

I check messages on a cell phone that isn't mine. Mine is a prepay Go Phone but I have no minutes. I have had a Go Phone since the year 2000, but like 3 different phones from it. I now have an LG smart phone. It is great but took some getting used to. I have a love-hate relationship with AT&T.

My prostatic pain has intensified. I hurt badly when I pee, and even worse when I do the other. This is because the colon/rectum is literally right next to the prostate gland in a male. Again, I can't go to the urology doctor, the cost, and I have no car to get to Temple, which is some distance away from the rural wasteland. I don't like driving that far. I sort of sit on the prostate in a soft seat like a car seat. Lord forbid if I have to pee and have to hold it. The more I hold, the worse it hurts getting it out. It is reminiscent of the first time I had to pee after the uro-scope, that fiber-optic medical tool put through my peeny and into my bladder. Did it hurt? Yes, but a nurse injected a sedative in my peeny and I did not feel it until it was well into my urinary tract. Even then, 2 years after the fact, I cringe when I remember that pain. The pain is similar to what I feel now when I pee.

Why am I mentioning this? This is what I deal with on a daily basis. I am uncomfortable in jeans now. I wear sweatpants most of the time, which I used to never do.

I have not felt suicidal thankfully. I am writing more now and have written a dozen stories since I last posted here.

I am fed up with my FB friends. Simple minded twits. Mind that all but 2 of them were my classmates from our hometown. I am on Spore, ( arthelius-ghost ) and little else anymore.

I take Celexa still. I wonder if I could live without it. I doubt that. I still have panic attacks in certain situations. I do not leave the house normally. When I go outside, I am not bothered. I have lived here for 12 years. When I go somewhere, it is usually to familiar places. Even then, I am uncomfortable in a walmart, which was where my mental illness began.

I have not set foot in wm 407 since April 26th of 2010 and ain't likely to even after the end of time.

I hope to go to a wm closer to my house, like in my hometown.

I am still here, don't worry about me. I will post more as opportunity allows.

Big Bad Bill

You might reckon that I like hurricane pictures. I always have.

Here on the day I was considering suicide, which I have decided against (for now), I get a lovely picture of a not so lovely hurricane. Lopsided by a High Pressure wave, this storm is about as photogenic as a smooshed cake.

NOAA's Geostationary Observation Enviromental Satellite (GOES)-East took this picture some hours ago.

Yay, it isn't forecasted to strike the Gulf. We don't need that kind of attention.

Sorry

I'm sorry for not updating as I should. It was just that, I am a concious person who doesnh't like to offend people. If there was nothing nice to say, then don't say it.

I just feel like my care for others is wasted. I mean, stupid rude customers and indifferent management make work difficult. I am a walmart associate, not a garbageman, conceierge, or slave.

I received my 3-year evaluation today (though 3 years isn't until 31 May) and I am an 'acceptible' associate. Eh. Like it would make any difference is I exceeded expectations. I don't really care.

I think my girlfriend is gaining some weight. That is ideal as she is too skinny and her face seemed fuller today, so cute. What is she doing that would cause this? Oh, but mind that that could be because of her period. I love her no matter what time of the month it is.

My goal in life is to understand. Through this, I have the knowing of a lot of things, but it is an evergoing journey of learning.

This isn't witty or clever. Arthelius says: 'Better ye say something then nothing.'

He is right sometimes, like that clock in my kitchen that stopped working, still at 11:19.

Rare Lucky

I did the m-thing too early today and maybe that wasn't a good idea. I feel a little iffy down there. No matter, it was fun and felt good.

I had a typical wednesday, but I went into a used bookstore in CC to see if I could find something to improve my writing.

Instead, I found something I have searched for since Y2K.

'The Man-Kzin Wars' is a series of books, an anthology of humanity's war with the cat-like Kzin. I have all of them except the fourth one. I could not find it on the web or in any bookstore between here and Austin. I assumed it was out of print and I would never find it.

Lo and behold, I found it in this bookstore! Oh gosh, I'm happy about that. I like the series for its sharp writing and memorable characters. It is funny to read about Chuut-Ritt knowing that in the future, his own kits attack and eat him.

I am very glad about this.