Ugly?

I have often wondered why no girls seem interested in me. I don't mean if we didn't have daily contact like at work (how I met Jen and Malee). I mean going somewhere, like to the store. I feel smaller than I am, inconsequential. This is my anxiety disorder distorting my self-image.

I am 64.7 inches tall. I weigh about 156 lbs. Yes, I could slim down a bit but I am almost 40 so what's the point?

I feel ugly. I don't like attention. I feel uncomfortable when someone looks at me. It makes it uncomfortable to talk to people.

Girls, their attention is the worst. I find myself avoiding them if possible. This is contrary to what I want. How can I meet a new girlfriend if this happens?

I find a strong attraction to a girl's eyes. Her face. I don't like every girl like that but there are some that are beautiful. Every girl has a beauty about her, make no mistake, it isn't always physical.

I feel ugly, just small and hideous like a gnome. I don't have warty green skin. I am pale and built like a human male. I used to believe I would change that one day but I saw my pelvis on a CT scan and nope, can't change that and be what I am not.

I would like my parts removed but it will likely never happen. Too much trouble and why get cut on if you can avoid it?

I am posting a picture of me to show maybe I am ugly. I certainly feel that way.

Distress

I have a cyclical problem. it is related to my anxiety disorder like all of my problems are. I said I would not post complaints here again but this isn't a complaint, this is an expression of the pain I feel.

I have a long memory now. I can remember when life wasn't so bad. I was the only male grandchild for a long time (until I was 12). Much beloved. Then they were gone. Through cancer or old age, they were gone and have been gone for more than 20 years.

Now, my life hasn't changed that much since I left wm. Every day it is the same bs. But in the times I was here alone, it was sheer discomfort and panic. I have never been alone.

I don't know if I could deal with it. I do not have a girlfriend and I question if I could even have one. What would she think of me, stuck in my shell? My time with Jen taught me a few important lessons and not the obvious ones like cruelty and indifference (Which are the same to me).

I have no money. When you are on a fixed income, it goes fast. Things cost more, especially meat. Why the fuck do I have to keep eating meat? Do you know how much chicken costs? I can't find an economical good alternative to meat.

My SS is supposed to be about me. Why does it go to these others? "Oh, I need something." Can't say no, don't want to be a bad person, the guilt would provoke anxiety.

I suppose if I killed myself, it would stop and how would it affect them? I am a bad person because I wanted the pain to stop?

Not just anxiety pain. I have a constant pain in my uro-g tract. Not an infection like girls get, prostatitis. It never goes away. It is so uncomfortable to pee. You have to pee, frequently if you are hydrated. It hurts me to do so, then the drip. I have a shave check picture of my pubic area and I had a pee drip, ruining it.

I am upset but not like you get upset. I feel upset because of my pain.

I cannot wash clothes. I haven't been to the Laundromat since October the 3rd. My wardrobe cannot support this lengthy time between washing. I am having to wear the same sweat pants, that isn't so bad. I will not run out of shirts or underwear, I am almost out of socks. I cannot deal without socks.

Now my skin is breaking out. More blemishes on my pale hide, as if the fading ant bites weren't enough.

This has never happened before. I don't know how to deal with it. I sit here in a shirt and my MeUndies. Should my Aunt visit or I am called to go feed the dog outside, oops. I have boy parts you know, big deal.

Anxiety would not let me go where others can see me like that.

I am not shy like that and I wonder if age is gentle to me as it has been so far, will it be a big deal.

This cyclical pain causes self-hate, self-injury, despair, and physical pain.

I have no one to talk to. The internet? Don't be funny. It is a faceless bulletin board in the broadest sense of the term.

I will sit here and try not to hurt myself. I may have a story to write.

When you read this, what do you think? The comment blank below isn't there just for show.

Something Mentioned Before

I am derided because I don't see myself as a 'man'. I am MALE, to me, it's a distinction.

To explain, 'man' is a societal thing but then if you study history, you see that it is replete with many male persons behaving rather badly, which is being a 'man'.

'Man' is expected to behave a certain way. He is supposed to provide. Really? What do you know of anthropology? Do you study ancient cultures? What you think as human behavior is a societal behavior.

'Man' is supposed to be social, to drink, carouse, behave in a boorish and stupid way. 'Man' is represented in things like football, I mean look at the commercials that play during it. NASCAR is like that too but driving a car is not a gender-specific activity.

I am male. I have a male body, male genitals and that is about it. I have a tortured mind, strangled soul. I am male in thought and feelings and attractions.

It is uncertainty to provide is why I never had any children. As I said before, I am on SSI. How could I provide for a child?

Listen to a feminist talk. What good is a male? From a DNA standpoint, it is not really a question that can be answered. Is the Y-chromosome a mutation? The thought is a terrible one, that male becomes useless, a relic of ancient biology.

I believe in equality. I do not think being male is all that great. I don't like other males because they make me uncomfortable. What is their motive? I think of all the males I have known in my life, it just doesn't make since why males are all that important.

It could be my own self-hate. My belief that I have a female soul. Or just mental illness.

I am not a 'man'. I am male.