Troubled

This started on Feb 3rd.

Like every 3rd, I pay my bills, get my medications, get my MeUndies. 

But I had to pay the po box fee and I renewed my subscription to Archaeology, which I have read since I was a kid. This was $77 together. 

So I go get my phone minutes and hygiene things at wm. I got a movie as I normally do. This was $71 altogether, mainly because hygiene things tend to be expensive. 

I failed to get my T-Mobile data pass. I may be unable to write this if I waited too long. It's $50. 

Then we went to get groceries. It costed exactly all the money I had left, $326. Why? What the hell? This is almost half more than typical. The biggest cost of our groceries is meat, outrageous labor costs passed on to consumers.

The orange baboon says the economy is better than ever. Maybe if you had the disease of affluence. 

Poor people like us do not have any benefit from this economy. We don't have any cost of living relief, rather, it's harder to get by more so than any point in my life. 

It's not that we like expensive things. It is labor costs somewhere along the chain of supply. 

It is maybe not good to eat meat but it is also not good to eat only plants. In moderation, as in all things. 

We buy for the month, not for a week. 

Also, on Feb 3rd five years ago, my dad passed away. I have been dealing with memories and grief.

Same pain I have for a friend I knew since childhood who died on April 9th last year.

No, I don't honor their memories by feeling pain but I cannot help it. My empathy is too powerful. 

I feel stressed by these things. I feel maybe I can't deal with it. I am afraid. 

Anxiety disorder is fear. Always fear. The med helps but not totally. 

I have had suicidal thoughts. I resist them. I have a duty, a promise made to my dad. I will be there for my mom always. 

But these things ain't helping. 

I'm not ready to be a real ghost yet.