It must be said I do not have a family of my own. I don't have a companion or children. My life now is duty to my mom.
I see families on tv, multiple kids, a wife and happiness. I do not have this.
Why? I have always been shy. It became agoraphobia over time. I developed anxiety disorder and had to quit walmart because I was stressed to the point of harming myself with a box cutter. I started but remembered my faith. It saved me.
I'm not particularly religious and I am much too much into science but I still believe.
I have one relationship with a female in Ghana. I am not ready to talk about Sala.
I do not know if I could have a companion. Strange people affect my anxiety. If my own Aunt does, what do you think a stranger would do?
I was reminded when my mom was in the hospital last summer that I cannot live on my own. I could not deal with the constant fear, even if it is not justified. Anything can cause it, even memories, my own heartbeat, or a dog barking.
I don't do much. I sit here and listen to music or play Spore. Yes, I do tire of it after so many years.
Years ago I found it easy to get into a sexual relationship. But I'm not so cute now.
I get anxiety when a female looks at me. I abhor attention. It's not a natural behavior but I am mentally ill yet still rational. I'm not that kind of sick.
I don't pay attention to the tv. I listen to it. But the news bothers me and I just tune it out.
I could talk to someone, maybe. I don't know. I have a cell phone.
I am strongly attracted to females. I am not funny that way like my dad said for years because I didn't have a girlfriend. I still don't.
I don't know if I could. I cannot stand drama. It and driving are the two biggest irritants to driving.
My 2nd covid vaccine shot is soon. I will be 'fully' vaccinated in June some time. What is the point? I don't go out but a handful times in a month and that is mainly to check the mail.
I did it because it is a civic duty. The nebulous fear of coronavirus but my own natural avoidance helps me like that. I have been avoidant since I was teenager.
When my mom is gone, my duty ends and pain and grief will destroy me. What is the point in living after that?
What is the point now?
1 comment:
I don't have the advice you probably want to hear but I've been through similar situations. Spiraling in and out of depression after or before losing a loved one. The simple fact is, it's up to you, if you make the choice to want to live you will figure it out regardless of fear or hardships.
Hang in there buddy, I am sure there is additional reasons to live but you just haven't found them yet.
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